Sign in Subscribe

What is consensual non-monogamy?

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) refers to a relationship style in which all parties involved agree to engage in romantic or sexual relationships with people outside of the primary relationship. Unlike traditional monogamy, where romantic or sexual exclusivity is expected, consensual non-monogamy is based on mutual consent and transparency. It allows individuals to explore connections with others while maintaining a primary relationship or connection with their partner(s).

In consensual non-monogamy, the key principle is consent – all individuals involved agree to the structure of the relationship. This can take various forms, and the boundaries are decided collectively to ensure that everyone feels respected and valued. However, "non-monogamy" is in and of itself consensual. If it is not consensual, many people define that as "cheating" and feel no need to add the clarifier of "consensual" before non-monogamy.

Types of consensual non-monogamy

There are several different models of consensual non-monogamy. Each arrangement depends on the individuals involved, their needs, and the agreements they’ve made. Here are the most common types:

1. Open relationships

In an open relationship, partners agree to have sexual or romantic encounters outside of their primary relationship. This is usually focused on sexual freedom, though the degree of emotional involvement with outside partners may vary. Open relationships may have specific boundaries or rules, which both partners discuss and agree upon.

2. Polyamory

Polyamory is a relationship style that involves multiple romantic or sexual relationships, where everyone involved is aware of and consents to the arrangement. Unlike open relationships, which often involve sexual connections outside the primary relationship, polyamory focuses on multiple emotional connections in addition to the sexual ones. Partners may have different levels of commitment to various people.

3. Swinging

Swinging typically involves couples engaging in sexual activities with other couples or individuals. Swingers usually maintain a committed relationship but explore sexual encounters with others in a social, often recreational context. It’s distinct from polyamory as it doesn’t typically involve romantic emotional connections with outside partners.

4. Relationship anarchy

Relationship anarchy is a philosophy that rejects traditional relationship norms and embraces the idea that relationships should be based on individual desires rather than societal expectations. There are no fixed rules about how many people someone can love, what constitutes a primary or secondary relationship, or what types of activities or emotional commitments are appropriate.

The benefits of consensual non-monogamy

Consensual non-monogamy offers several potential benefits for those who are interested in exploring non-traditional relationship styles:

  • Personal growth: CNM encourages individuals to explore their desires and understand their emotional and physical needs. This exploration can lead to a greater sense of self-awareness and personal growth.
  • Diverse connections: By allowing individuals to form multiple romantic or sexual relationships, CNM provides the opportunity for richer, more varied experiences in terms of connection, intimacy, and affection.
  • Improved communication: To make consensual non-monogamy work, communication is key. Partners must have open, honest conversations about their boundaries, feelings, and expectations. These frequent discussions can lead to stronger communication skills and greater emotional intimacy.
  • Freedom and flexibility: CNM offers individuals the freedom to pursue different relationships without the pressure of exclusivity. This flexibility can reduce the fear of missing out or the burden of one person needing to fulfil all emotional and sexual needs.

Challenges of consensual non-monogamy

While consensual non-monogamy has many benefits, it also comes with its own set of challenges. These require active communication, trust, and ongoing effort to overcome.

1. Jealousy

One of the most common challenges in CNM is jealousy. Partners may feel threatened by the involvement of others, leading to emotional discomfort or conflict. The key to managing jealousy is open communication and addressing feelings promptly. Some people even work with therapists or coaches to manage this emotion.

2. Time management

In CNM, there can be more relationships and commitments to juggle. Balancing multiple romantic or sexual relationships can be difficult and time-consuming. It’s important to prioritize time management and make sure all relationships receive the attention they need.

3. Setting boundaries

Clear and respectful boundaries are essential to any non-monogamous relationship. Establishing boundaries in terms of emotional involvement, sexual safety, and time management can help avoid conflicts and ensure that everyone’s needs are met.

4. External judgment

Non-monogamous relationships can still be stigmatised, with some people facing judgment or misunderstanding from society. This can result in emotional strain, especially if others don’t respect their relationship choices or try to impose traditional expectations on them.

Is consensual non-monogamy right for you?

Consensual non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. Deciding whether this lifestyle aligns with your values and emotional needs requires deep introspection and open communication with your partner(s). It’s important to consider the following factors:

  • Comfort with open communication: CNM requires constant, open, and honest conversations about feelings, boundaries, and desires. If you are comfortable with this level of transparency, it might be a good fit.
  • Capacity for emotional resilience: Relationships can sometimes be challenging, and non-monogamous relationships may present additional emotional complexities. If you’re able to manage jealousy, insecurity, and disappointment with emotional resilience, CNM could be a fulfilling choice.
  • Desire for variety: If you value the opportunity to form connections with multiple people in a romantic or sexual way, consensual non-monogamy might offer the freedom and flexibility you're seeking.

Is CNM right for you?

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is a broad term that encompasses various forms of non-monogamous relationships where everyone involved is aware of and consents to the arrangement. From open relationships to polyamory and swinging, CNM offers an alternative to traditional monogamy, allowing individuals to explore romantic and sexual connections with others.

While CNM can offer freedom, growth, and new experiences, it also requires thoughtful communication, emotional resilience, and clear boundaries. If you're considering consensual non-monogamy, it's essential to evaluate whether it aligns with your needs and values, and if so, to approach it with a focus on honesty, respect, and care for your partner(s) and yourself.

If you're interested in exploring what relationship style may fit you, consider taking my polyamory relationship quiz, check out my books or return to explore the FAQ.