Ask a question
Please feel free to ask for advice by email or recording a voice note. I aim to respond to all questions in seven business days, but may not be able to promise this. You can specify if you would like your response via the Non-Monogamy Help podcast or the column.
I do get consult from a therapist, but my responses are not a replacement for professional advice, but are my opinion only. My email is not an emergency contact for mental health issues.
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Use Anchor to record a 60 second question or SpeakPipe to record a 90 second question. Feel free to send in multiple sound files if you can't fit it into one recording.
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Frequently Asked Questions
More information about the podcast and myself.
What is Non-Monogamy Help?
Non-Monogamy Help is a podcast and advice column produced by Lola Phoenix that is released once a week. For more information about the podcast, visit the about section.
What should I know before sending in a question?
I'm always happy to answer questions that are similar to ones asked before and I understand many questions are written while dealing with a lot of specific issues or problems.
But, if you have a little bit of time, I would suggest reading both my non-monogamy 101 article and and my non-monogamy 102 article which covers a lot of basic ground.
I also have a book titled The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy which is designed for people either new to non-monogamy or people who are experiencing anxiety (which I argue is typical for most people) and would like strategies for how to combat this. And last, but not least, you can use the tags or a the search option to find podcasts and columns of a specific theme or around specific issues.
What is your background?
My approach toward giving advice is not and never has been one of asserting myself as a guru or an "expert". This is primarily the reason I do not do "classes" about non-monogamy or anything which would characterise me in the way of an "expert" or "professional".
This is because of my foundational belief that relationships in and of themselves are not skills and that there is a pervasive belief in non-monogamy communities that more relationships or more "experience" being polyamorous = the more someone is "safe" and the more someone knows. This is not the case. We're all capable of mistakes and individual relationships are all individual.
I have been non-monogamous since around 2009, but that doesn't mean I know everything or that I am better than you if you have less experience. The reason I give advice is because I have spent years studying sexuality, relationships and mental health as a personal special interest and many years in online communities in LiveJournal, Reddit and other places giving advice. I enjoy giving advice and I enjoy helping people.
Again, I do not see myself as a guru, an expert, an "educator" or anyone held above others. My advice is a mutual aid project, a desire to help people from the position of being right there with you, and not because I'm any better than anyone else who is polyamorous.
I do not have any qualifications in mental health. I have two degrees: one in English and Journalism and another in International Studies. At most, I give quick one to one advice, but I'm not a therapist or mental health professional.
And I refuse to get any sort of two week false coaching certificate to give me any sort of veneer of professionality I don't have. If you'd like to support what I do as a writer, that's great. But if you are ever contacted by someone claiming to be me and asking for money for advice -- it's a scam.