What is parallel polyamory?

Parallel polyamory is a specific style of polyamory where individuals maintain separate, distinct relationships, typically without the expectation of connecting with each other's metamours.

This is often seen as the opposite of kitchen table polyamory, where the focus is on shared experiences and community among all partners. In contrast, parallel polyamory intentionally keeps each relationship independent, with minimal interaction or overlap between partners and their metamours.

The dynamics of parallel polyamory

In parallel polyamory, individuals may have multiple romantic or sexual relationships, but they don’t necessarily aim to foster connections between those relationships. For example, one person may be romantically involved with Partner A and Partner B, but each of these partners may not have met or interact with each other in any way. There’s no expectation that these relationships will merge or create any kind of cohesive “network” of connections.

This practice is distinct from a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT) arrangement, as parallel polyamory does not inherently involve secrecy. The key difference is that there’s no intentional focus on preventing the discovery of other relationships. Instead, the relationships are kept separate, either by mutual agreement or preference.

In a parallel polyamorous structure, everyone involved is aware of the others, but the relationships themselves don’t necessarily intersect. For those practising parallel polyamory, this choice may arise from personal comfort levels, logistical preferences, or simply an intentional desire for each relationship to remain independent without blending into one another.

How parallel polyamory works

Parallel polyamory can take many different forms, depending on the preferences of the individuals involved. However, the fundamental principle remains the same: relationships are kept separate.

Here’s how it may look in practice:

1. Independent relationships

Each partner in a parallel polyamory setup may maintain their own set of relationships without cross-pollination. For example, one person might have a romantic relationship with Partner A, while also having a different romantic relationship with Partner B, but the two partners may not meet, communicate, or form any kind of relationship with each other.

2. Minimal interaction between metamours

Metamours—partners of your partners—are not expected to interact with one another. They may know of each other’s existence, but there’s no requirement for them to be friends or to spend time together. The relationships are treated as independent entities, even if they involve the same person.

3. No hierarchy or secrecy

Parallel polyamory does not inherently include hierarchy or secrecy. There’s no intentional structure of primary, secondary, or tertiary partners, nor is there an expectation that relationships must remain hidden. The distinct choice is to keep the relationships separate, not to enforce secrecy or concealment.

Benefits of parallel polyamory

There are several reasons people might choose parallel polyamory, and this style can offer certain advantages:

1. Clear boundaries

By keeping relationships separate, individuals can establish and maintain clear boundaries with each partner. Each relationship can be distinct and exist in its own space without the need for overlapping connections or interactions.

2. Reduced pressure to integrate

For some people, the idea of integrating all partners and metamours into one cohesive “family” or “network” can feel overwhelming or undesirable. Parallel polyamory allows individuals to have meaningful relationships without feeling pressured to blend those relationships together.

3. Autonomy and independence

Parallel polyamory offers greater autonomy in each individual relationship. Since each connection is kept independent, there’s more space for each partner to pursue their own needs and desires without the influence of others in the polycule.

4. Less emotional complexity

Because there is less interaction between metamours and partners, there may be less emotional complexity to navigate. Each relationship can remain relatively uncomplicated by the dynamics of other connections, which some people find easier to manage.

Challenges of parallel polyamory

While parallel polyamory can work well for some, it also comes with its own set of challenges:

1. Lack of shared experiences

Without the integration of metamours or the blending of relationships, individuals may miss out on the deep sense of community that some people find in other polyamorous structures, such as kitchen table polyamory. This lack of shared experiences can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation or disconnection.

2. Communication hurdles

With separate relationships, communication can sometimes become more challenging. Everyone must be clear and transparent about the expectations of their individual relationships, as well as the boundaries they are setting with others. This requires consistent, thoughtful communication to avoid misunderstandings.

3. Misunderstanding from others

Parallel polyamory may not be as widely understood or accepted as other forms of polyamory, which can lead to misunderstandings from those outside the relationship. Some might misinterpret parallel polyamory as being secretive or less committed, though that is not necessarily the case.

Wrap-up

Parallel polyamory is a style of polyamorous living where individuals maintain separate, independent relationships, with minimal interaction between metamours. It can offer clear boundaries, autonomy, and reduced emotional complexity.

However, it can also come with challenges, such as a lack of shared experiences and potential communication hurdles. Understanding and respecting the desires of all involved is key to making parallel polyamory work.