What is tolyamory?

Tolyamory is a concept in polyamory, popularised by advice columnist Dan Savage, that refers to a form of polyamory where individuals may tolerate their partner's non-monogamous relationships, even if they don't fully embrace or enjoy the idea of those relationships.

The term "tolyamory" is a blend of "tolerate" and "polyamory," highlighting the fact that while someone in a tolyamory dynamic may not be excited about or actively seek out polyamorous connections themselves, they tolerate their partner's involvement in non-monogamy for the sake of the relationship.

In this arrangement, individuals are often motivated by a desire to maintain a relationship with their partner despite differing attitudes toward non-monogamy. The focus in tolyamory is on compromise, communication, and understanding, rather than a deep or enthusiastic participation in polyamorous practices.

The origins of tolyamory

Tolyamory was first coined by Dan Savage, a well-known columnist and sex advice guru, to describe couples who agree to engage in polyamory not because they actively seek or desire other romantic connections, but because they want to support their partner's need for them. For instance, one partner in the relationship may want to explore non-monogamy and the other may not be particularly interested but is willing to tolerate it in order to preserve the overall relationship.

This concept arose from Savage's advice column, where he discussed how some relationships function in polyamorous contexts despite one partner being less enthusiastic or even indifferent about the practice. In some cases, the individual tolerating their partner’s other relationships may feel a sense of discomfort or jealousy but chooses to endure it because they value the relationship enough to make this compromise.

How does tolyamory work?

Tolyamory is not about embracing polyamory in the same way a fully enthusiastic participant would. Instead, it involves agreeing to the practice of polyamory out of respect or love for the other partner, even if it’s not something the individual is personally invested in.

Here’s how it typically works:

1. Communication: Clear, open, and honest communication is essential in tolyamory relationships. Both partners need to discuss boundaries, expectations, and feelings about polyamory to ensure there is mutual understanding, even if one partner is simply tolerating the practice.
2. Respect: While one partner may not actively seek additional relationships, they respect their partner’s desire to explore polyamory. This respect is fundamental to making the arrangement work.
3. Compromise: Tolyamory is all about compromise. The partner who is tolerating non-monogamy may need to navigate feelings of discomfort or jealousy but does so with the intention of supporting their partner's needs. This might involve setting firm boundaries to avoid emotional distress while still allowing space for their partner's other relationships.
4. Managing emotions: Tolyamory requires emotional resilience that includes managing potential feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or fear. The partner who is tolerating polyamory may not feel the same level of excitement or enthusiasm about the other relationships but works to process those emotions constructively.

Is tolyamory ethical?

The ethics of tolyamory depend on the level of communication, consent, and mutual respect within the relationship. Some may view tolyamory as a form of compromise where both partners agree to practices that aren't ideal for them but are willing to work through the challenges for the sake of the relationship. However, it is important for individuals in these types of relationships to regularly check in with one another to ensure that the dynamic is still healthy and that no one feels forced or resentful.

In a tolyamory relationship, both partners should feel heard, respected, and valued. If one partner feels pressured into tolerating polyamory without proper support or communication, the relationship may not be sustainable. It’s vital to regularly discuss how both partners are feeling to ensure the arrangement remains ethical and consensual.

Tolyamory vs. other forms of polyamory

The key difference between tolyamory and other types of polyamory lies in the emotional investment in non-monogamy. In more traditional polyamorous setups, all parties actively seek or engage in additional relationships with full consent and mutual enthusiasm.

In tolyamory, one partner may only engage in polyamory out of tolerance or support for the other’s needs. This can lead to different challenges and dynamics in the relationship, such as dealing with feelings of jealousy or neglect, which may not be as prominent in fully consensual polyamorous relationships where all parties are equally invested.

Tolyamory can also differ from other forms of polyamory, like kitchen table polyamory or relationship anarchy, where individuals embrace the idea of polyamory in a more integrated or expansive way.

Wrap-up

Tolyamory represents a form of polyamory where one partner tolerates their partner's non-monogamous relationships without fully embracing the practice themselves. It requires clear communication, respect, and compromise to ensure that both partners feel heard and valued.

While not everyone may thrive in a tolyamory dynamic, it can be a way for couples to navigate non-monogamy in a way that works for them. It’s essential to maintain ongoing conversations to ensure that both partners are comfortable with the arrangement and that the relationship remains ethical.