What is polyamory under duress (PUD)?

Polyamory is often thought of as a conscious, thoughtful choice that aligns with personal values and needs. However, for some, polyamory is entered under duress—whether due to external pressure, a desire to save a relationship, or the influence of a partner's needs over their own.

Polyamory under duress (PUD) can lead to emotional confusion, dissatisfaction, and burnout, especially when the motivations behind the choice are not deeply personal.

Polyamory under duress or PUD

Polyamory under duress refers to situations where someone enters into or agrees to polyamory not because it aligns with their values or desires, but because they feel forced or pressured to do so.

It's important to note that while people can feel pressured to try polyamory in certain situations, ultimately outside of an abusive relationship dynamic, grown adults are still responsible for their own choices. Feeling forced to do something by circumstance is not the same as being forced and many people who have a history of people pleasing may particularly end up in situations where they agree to things that they don't want because of that.

This duress can stem from a variety of sources, including:

Relationship preservation: The fear of losing a partner or the desire to keep a relationship intact may lead someone to agree to polyamory as a way of avoiding breakup or conflict.
External expectations: While polyamory is not common within mainstream societies, many people exist in sub-cultures where polyamory is considered a more "evolved" approach to relationships and therefore may feel they need to try it to prove themselves.
People pleasing or conflict avoidance: To avoid difficult conversations or the risk of tension, some may agree to polyamory even when they have reservations.

Why is polyamory under duress a problem?

It's worth noting that polyamory under duress is not the same as tolyamory. While tolyamory may not been an ideal for someone, it is still something tolerable.

When someone enters polyamory under duress, it often results in emotional and psychological strain. The decision is not based on their own desires or interests, which can lead to feelings of resentment, guilt, and confusion and rather than it being about tolerating a circumstance, it represents a self-betrayal.

Here are some of the challenges faced by those in PUD situations:

Lack of personal fulfilment: The individual may struggle to find meaning or satisfaction in polyamorous relationships if they didn’t initially want to pursue them. A big thing I recommend for people is finding an anchor in polyamory. Generally people who are PUD do not have an anchor.
Resentment and self-betrayal: When you don't acknowledge your own wants and needs to yourself, you betray yourself and you teach yourself that you can't take care of yourself. As you betray yourself, resentment towards yourself and your partner grows over time, especially if you feel you are martyring yourself for the sake of the other. This may lead to conflicts, misunderstandings, and discontent.
Incongruency with polyamory: One partner’s expectation or ideal in polyamory might not match the other's expectations or ideals. Two polyamorous people are not inherently compatible due to polyamory. There are a multitude of ways to practice polyamory and some of them are contradictory.
Loss of personal power: Choosing polyamory out of duress can erode one's own sense of personal autonomy, making someone feel like they are living according to someone else’s wants, rather than their own.
Emotional burnout: Over time, the emotional toll of compromising personal values or suppressing desires can result in burnout or withdrawal. Even if you think you're "saving" you're relationship, polyamory under duress just delays the inevitable breakup, making it more painful and cannibalising the relationship from the inside out.

Recognising polyamory under duress

It's a tricky thing to know if you are practicing polyamory for the "right" reasons. Wanting to save a relationship and not break up doesn't inherently mean you are betraying yourself or practicing polyamory under duress. And it can be even more difficult to recognise when you're under duress when anxiety in practicing a new relationship style that has no cultural script is normal.

Ultimately, you are the expert on your own feelings and brain, but signs may include:

Constant doubt: If you find yourself questioning whether polyamory is truly what you want, and you specifically are wanting to have the time back with your partner or time that you never got with your partner that you would get in monogamy, that is a critical sign.
Avoiding conversations: If you avoid discussing your feelings or concerns with your partner(s) out of a fear of conflict, that in general is going to make it harder for you to realise if polyamory is actually for you or not and will make any adult relationship more difficult.
Feeling constantly overwhelmed: Polyamory can be emotionally taxing for people new to it but over time, the trust you build with your partner(s) should mean that you notice a difference in the level of intensity of these emotions. If months have gone by and these emotional intensities have not changed, consider whether or not it is worth doing.
Lack of connection: A disconnect from your own desires, needs, and the reasons behind your actions is a major sign of polyamory under duress. If you don't seem to have any concept of what you want as an individual, it's easier for you to agree to situations you don't want.

What to do if you suspect you are PUD

If you find yourself in a polyamorous dynamic because of duress, it’s important to take action to re-establish personal autonomy and clarity.

There can be a journey one can take where they might blame their partner for "forcing" them into polyamory and that may be a critical step for towards claiming some autonomy, but it's important to note that ultimately the biggest step towards autonomy is stepping into our own power and owning our choices. Here are some of the steps you can take:

Self-reflection: Take the time to reflect on why you agreed to polyamory and whether it aligns with your personal values and desires. Understanding your motivations will help you determine the next steps. Do you have an anchor? Is there any personal reason for you to pursue polyamory.
Open communication: Have an honest conversation with your partner(s) about how you’re feeling. Express your concerns, doubts, and needs without fear of judgment or dismissal. If you feel like you can't be honest with your partner(s) about how you feel, there are much bigger issues at play that may need addressing.
Set boundaries: Clearly define what you’re comfortable with and what your emotional needs are. It's important to note that boundaries are not about dictating what other people have to do but explaining what you will do in response to things you don't like. For example, a boundary is not "You can't come home drunk" but a boundary is, "I don't want to be around drunk people so if you come home drunk, I will sleep in the other room."
Seek support: Consider speaking with a therapist, counsellor, or joining a community where you can openly discuss your feelings without pressure. Some polyamory communities can be helpful, but be wary because many people judge other situations from their own perspective and many people can feel like if they want to go back to monogamy, they are going to be negatively judged. Having a safe space to process your emotions can be incredibly helpful.
Re-evaluate Your relationships: It’s okay to reconsider your relationship dynamic. If polyamory was chosen out of duress, it may be time to assess whether it’s still the best path for you. You are not less than for wanting to be monogamous if that is what is better for you. This isn't about you not being able to "handle" polyamory. Life is short and you don't need to spend it suffering. Prioritise your well-being, even if that means leaving a relationship.

Conclusion

No relationship can thrive under duress, including people who choose monogamy under duress. Arguably it is far more common for people to actually practice monogamy under duress than polyamory under duress.

Any relationship style should be a choice made from a place of personal autonomy, desire, and clarity. If you feel you are currently experiencing polyamory under duress, it’s never too late to reassess and take the steps needed to reclaim your emotional well-being and ensure that your relationship choices reflect your own values.