What is the Polyamory PhD?

The Polyamory PhD is a concept I invented to describe what is commonly recommended to people new to polyamory in many communities.

What you need to be polyamorous

When people first start exploring polyamory, they’re often recommended the same 3-5 books and encouraged to spend six months just doing reading before even trying it. I actually spent time calculating and this is the breakdown:

• Opening Up - 346 pages
• More Than Two - 480 pages
• The Ethical Slut - 280 pages
• Polysecure - 268 pages
• Polywise - 336 pages

That's over 1,700 pages and at the average reading speed, it could take 38-48 hours to read through all of these books. Some of them have audiobook versions but, as is the case with niche audiences, not all of them do. So physically reading, which is a real obstacle for a lot of people, may take even longer. It's not that any of these are bad books to read. I think many of them are really helpful.

But I think the suggestion that you need to read all of these before doing anything... I don’t think it’s necessary or helpful.

Do you need to read so much before trying polyamory?

I get why people give this advice. Polyamory is different from what most of us were taught about relationships, so learning is important. And there is an awful lot of new lingo to learn about. But assuming one needs to study polyamory like an advanced degree comes with problems:

• You can’t think your way into being good at polyamory. No amount of reading is really going to be the same as the emotions that come up.
• It creates unnecessary pressure. People feel like they have to master theory before they can even try, and that if, when they do try, they experience rough emotions, it's because they didn't master the theory.
• It delays real experience. You don’t need to know every concept before you start. You’ll learn more from actually doing polyamory than from reading about it. Some relational wounds can only be healed in relation.
• It reinforces the idea that monogamy is safer. Encouraging people to believe that not doing polyamory is somehow safer also reinforces the idea that closing the relationship when it doesn't work is a good idea.
• It gives you a false expectation. We don't expect someone who has studied musical theory to pick up an instrument and become a virtuoso with zero practice. And yet, we believe that studying for six months will make you more prepared than not.

Why you don't need to study polyamory

Instead of cramming for an imaginary exam, there are a lot of things that I think people can do while opening their relationship or people can do before looking for a polyamorous partner:

• Read and research, but don’t get stuck there. Understanding the basics is helpful, but you don’t need to know everything right away. Avoiding the assumption that reading will "save" you is half the battle.
• Talk to partners and process in real time. Your partners and their thought processes may not be accurately reflected in any of the books that you read and it's more important to understand them than theory.
• Be ready to adapt. Theory is neat and tidy. Relationships aren’t. You’ll learn by doing, making mistakes, and adjusting as you go. There may be mistakes that you can avoid by absorbing the culture, but making mistakes is normal.

What you can do about it

After spending over 8 years giving advice through my podcast and column as well as making my own mistakes, I started to witness the phenomenon of The Polyamory PhD and I also started noticing that there were a lot of commonalities in the people who were opening up or looking to try polyamory.

I've never been one for marketing myself as a "guru" and I have no desire to be a therapist, but I believe that, after all of my experience, I have a better option for people who are looking to get started right away with practical things to consider and things they can implement which I believe will serve them far better than spending six months reading.

So, I created the Fast Track Your Polyamory course to help people get the tools they need directly. It's designed to be self-paced and mostly audio-based. It comes with multiple exercises, journal prompts and compatibility tools and works for couples opening up as well as individuals.

I'm intending to provide people who enrol in the course with direct support for their questions as well including Live Q&As as needed. There are chances to sign up as an individual, a couple or larger groups for people who want that taken into account when they get their support. For that purpose, enrolment will be available on a limited bases. Click the button below to sign up for notifications when enrolment opens.