That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I bought your book and I have listened to some of your podcast episodes. There’s a question I have that I don’t think you’ve addressed, and I’m curious if you might create some content around it.

I’m in a situation where I am interested in dating someone who is also interested in dating me, but she has committed to being “single but not celibate.” She is also dating another person and has been very up front about this with me and the other person. She is interested in trying polyamory. She’d like to date both of us.

I don’t have any contact with the other person (the metamour?). But it sounds like we both want to have a relationship with this person (who is the “hinge”) and we are willing to give the whole thing a try because we both like her.

She would like to keep us separated from each other, though, at least for now.

So polyamory/open relationships isn’t something I’d considered for myself, but I find myself in this position because I like this person.

Do you have advice for folks in this situation? I’m not learning more about polyamory because I particularly want to pursue it, but because I find myself interested in a person who wants to have this kind of setup.

Right now I feel like I am competing for her time and attention, and I feel like for someone who wants to be “single,” she is really spending a lot of time dealing with the feelings of two “girlfriends!”

I just don’t know where to go with this. I do feel some discomfort around this, but I can’t tell if that is just societal conditioning that is telling me this is a mess I should avoid!

Thanks for creating this content. It’s helpful!

Response

So I think there's a little bit of confusion around terms, first and foremost, which is understandable if she hasn't really done much investigation into polyamory. I don't think she means single—I think she means solo. It seems like what she wants is to kind of maintain her independence.

And it sounds like she's interested in solo polyamory. She doesn't necessarily want—this needs clarification from her, I’m making massive assumptions here, and that’s part of the discussions you're going to have with her—but it sounds like what she wants is to maintain her independence but have other parallel relationships.

I don't necessarily know that she has the right to “keep you separated” from each other—like, she's not your parent, she isn’t "the mom." But it's okay for people to want to be super independent, to want relationships without necessarily living with people or sharing finances, or doing the typical things that you might do with someone. It's even okay if someone wants to be monogamous but doesn't want to have that kind of relationship.

It’s also okay if she doesn't necessarily want to have relationships intermingle—that's parallel polyamory, where you're not hiding the relationships from each other (and you're definitely not cheating on anybody), but those people don’t necessarily meet and interact. That's not a goal. In parallel polyamory, it’s not that people are forbidden from meeting or interacting with one another, but it’s just not something they actively want to happen or go out of their way to facilitate.

In my own personal experience of being more parallel, if I do meet a metamour—and you were right, that is the term, metamour—it’s fine, but I'm not going to go out of my way to meet them. I’m not going to have a formalised introduction or anything like that. It's the same way I would treat my partner's friends: if I meet them, fine; if I don’t, also fine. It’s no big deal. So that sounds like what she wants.

I think there needs to be more discussion about that, because maybe that’s what she means by being “single.”

And I want to clarify as well that polyamory always involves dealing with the feelings of the people in the relationships you're in—whether you're solo polyamorous, hierarchical polyamorous, or regardless of the structure. If you're having multiple romantic relationships, that involves dealing with multiple people's feelings. If you're a person who doesn't want to deal with anybody's feelings, then what you want isn't polyamory, in my opinion.

I'm not trying to be judgy when I say that, but if you just want to sleep around—again, no judgment—that’s fine. But what you probably want are much more casual relationships. You probably want to just date around. You may not even consider yourself to be in open relationships. If what you want is to never deal with anyone else's feelings, then maybe you just want one-night stands, and that’s all. Or maybe you just want a bunch of friends with benefits.

(I’d still argue that you should care about your friends’ feelings, but you know what I mean.)

I want to challenge that expectation—that if she wants to be solo (less “single”), if she doesn't want people enmeshed in her life the way one might expect in a traditional relationship—that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not going to deal with anyone’s feelings. That’s not what that means.

I do think there are some people out there who call themselves solo polyamorous or relationship anarchists, and what they mean isn’t “I don’t want to be enmeshed.” What they mean is: “I want to do whatever I want with no consequences,” which is not what those things mean. You do have to deal with the feelings of other people in most relationships.

What needs to happen here is a discussion around time—how much time she's going to be able to spend with you, and how much time she wants for herself and for other relationships. Because you are, in a way, competing for her time and attention.

If you look at this from a purely monogamous standpoint—purely from a mono-centric culture—you are, in a way, competing for her time and attention: for herself, for what she wants to do with her life, and also for other people.

You're not directly competing in the way that word usually implies. But if you do try polyamory—or most forms of non-monogamy—I would say that explicitly means, for most people, that you will not get as much time with her as you would typically get in a monogamous situation.

Especially if she is solo. Especially if she is not interested in any of the prototypical things that monogamous people want in relationships.

(And again, you can be solo and monogamous—this isn’t inherently about polyamory.)

If she's not interested in moving in with you, not interested in having children with you (or with anyone), if she needs a lot of time for herself—that is valid. That’s fine. Not every polyamorous person is like that, but that might be specifically what she wants.

So, you will get less time with her. And that’s something you're going to have to reckon with.

Because if you go into this expecting that, at some point, she’s going to spend as much time with you as you’ve typically had in past relationships, you're going to be disappointed. And no amount of being interested in her is going to solve that.

And the issue really then isn’t polyamory. Because she could be solo and monogamous—this is an experience that a lot of solo monogamous people have.

There’s a great book and podcast by Dr. Peter McGraw who talks about the solo movement. If you're interested in learning more, I’d definitely recommend that she check it out.

A lot of solo people end up in situations where they disappoint partners, because those partners—especially if they're monogamous—are typically interested in relational milestones. And solo people are not.

So what you need to do—first and foremost—is have a reckoning with yourself. You need to decide: are you okay with getting less time with a partner?

That's the first question most people need to answer before they go into polyamory. It's not "Are you jealous?" or "Are you okay with your partner dating other people?" Those are separate concerns.

The core question is: Are you okay with getting less time with your partner?

One way to make that comparison in your head is to think about being in a monogamous relationship where your partner has a time-intensive career, is in the military, or you're in a long-distance relationship. Are you okay with getting less time?

Some people are not suited for polyamory—not because of jealousy, or because they can’t handle their partner sleeping with someone else—but because they want more time.

There are mid-way options, like swinging, or open relationships where couples spend all their time together but only sleep with other people together—at parties or during specific sexual escapades. In those cases, you don't necessarily get less time with your partner.

But in this situation, it sounds like she not only wants to date another person, but also wants to be more independent. If that’s not what you want out of a partner, no amount of liking her is going to fix that. You're going to be unhappy.

So you need to figure out if you're okay with that.

Don’t try polyamory just because you like someone.

You will get less time with her. You won’t get the amount of time you're used to having. And if you’re not going to be actively dating other people, you’ll have to fill that time with something else.

One concept I’ve come up with—and I encourage people to think about—is an anchor. An anchor is a reason you are personally interested in polyamory that doesn’t involve saving or keeping a relationship.

That’s really important, because a lot of people in existing couples open up because they want to save the relationship. But essentially, that original monogamous relationship—where they spent most of their time together—is gone. It becomes a different kind of relationship.

And if what you want is more time, you're not going to get that. Especially if she is more on the solo polyamorous side. You won’t have as much time with her as you would in a monogamous relationship.

You need to decide if that’s okay.

If it is—that’s great. For some people, polyamory isn’t about dating as many people as possible. I'm solo polyam now. I’ve always been really, really independent. I’ve always hated dating. I’m not the one who loves flirting and being with people—that's just never been me.

If that is you—great, no judgment! But it's never been me. I’ve dated a lot of people who are like that, but I’m not.

So my motivation—my anchor—for being interested in polyamory is that independence. I'm independent. Especially now that I'm solo polyam, I’m very, very independent in a way that would never really work with monogamy. And I want the ability to pursue a romance if it comes up. If I’m attracted to someone and they’re attracted to me, I want the freedom to pursue that. That freedom is really, really important to me.

Even if it never happens. I may find someone. We may date. I may never, ever find another partner. I may never develop an interest in another person. But I want that freedom—that's important to me.

So if you don't have any desire for that, and it sounds like you don't—you’re just doing this so that you can date her—that’s not necessarily going to work. If you're not interested in dating other people, then there has to be something else to fill your time.

Maybe you’re super independent. Maybe you have a time-intensive job or career. There are lots of other things, but there has to be something else. Because if you're going into this with a mono-centric mindset—thinking eventually she’s going to “settle down,” like a lot of people do (usually older men dating younger women, but not always)—that’s risky.

A lot of people assume, "They’ll settle down eventually, and then we’ll have the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids." People go into relationships with solo people thinking that, and it often ends in disappointment. So I would not do that to yourself—especially when you haven’t invested anything yet. You're just interested in dating—you haven’t started a whole relationship yet.

So decide: is less time something you're okay with?

And if it is—if you're like, “You know what, I’ll take that risk, I want to see how I feel”—then go for it. Sometimes people try polyamory because their partner suggested it. They had no interest in it at first, and then they took to it like a fish to water. Or they realise they’re super independent and it actually works better for them than monogamy ever did.

A lot of people only do monogamy because it’s the only thing they’ve ever seen represented as an option. So if you're sitting here thinking, "Actually, I’ve never really been that into spending all my time with a partner. I’ve never really wanted to move in with someone. Or when I have tried that, it didn’t feel as good as I thought it would”—then maybe this could work for you.

But again, if you already feel like you're competing for time and attention, I’d personally assume you want more time. And if that's the case, you might not be a good match here.

If you do go forward, please talk to her. Let her know what solo polyamory is. Have her research that. There’s probably a Multiamory episode on solo polyamory—I think they just released one. There's also a podcast called Solo by Peter McGraw—he has an intro episode explaining the solo movement.

Have a discussion with her. She needs to figure out how much time she wants to spend with others and communicate that clearly—not just say she's "single but not celibate." Don’t use vague labels to convey complicated time concepts. What "single but not celibate" means to one person could mean something very different to another.

She needs to understand the physical reality of what she’s suggesting: How much time does she want to spend alone? How much time does she have to offer you? That’s the key. It's not actually about how much time she gives someone else. That only becomes an issue if you want more time and notice someone else getting more than you.

If you know how much time she has to give you, the rest doesn't really matter. So figure that out. If that’s enough for you—or if you want to give it a try—then go ahead. But don’t lull yourself into a false sense of security thinking she’ll change her mind someday and settle down.

She might. I might. Anyone might. People can change their minds after years. But you have to operate with the information you're given right now.

So decide if it works for you. And yeah—see what happens.

I totally understand wanting to try it because you're interested in her and don’t want to miss a chance. But be cautious. Be realistic about whether it fits your life. And know that it’s okay if it doesn’t.

There's a lot of defensive talk in polyamory communities sometimes—because we deal with a lot of judgment. That can lead to monogamy getting talked down a bit unfairly.

But there’s nothing wrong with being monogamous. It's not because you're jealous, or less evolved, or any of that nonsense. Sometimes people just want more time with one person. Sometimes they don’t want to juggle multiple relationships, jobs, and responsibilities—especially in this economy.

That’s totally valid. So yeah, I hope that helps. And good luck.