What is a unicorn or unicorn hunter?

In the context of polyamory, the term "unicorn" refers to a bisexual woman who is sought after by a couple, usually both heterosexual, to join their relationship in a triad formation or for threesomes. The concept often arises within the realm of new-to-polyamory couples who are looking to explore non-monogamy together. The term can have both positive and negative connotations, depending on the perspective of those involved. It is mostly a tongue-in-cheek reference since "unicorns" do not actually exist.

A "unicorn" is typically viewed as someone who is expected to fit into the couple's dynamic without disrupting their existing relationship. Unfortunately, this creates a power imbalance, where the bisexual woman is often seen as a non-threatening addition to the relationship, rather than as an individual with her own emotions, needs, and desires. The term is sometimes criticised for its objectification of the bisexual woman involved.

The dynamics of unicorn hunting

When a couple actively seeks out a "unicorn," they often do so with the idea of enhancing their relationship without considering the emotional complexities of the bisexual woman they are dating. Couples who pursue this arrangement may not intentionally view the unicorn as a temporary or disposable part of their relationship but in practice they will often value saving the couple over anything else—especially if the couple eventually decides to back out of non-monogamy.

In many cases, unicorns are expected to be sexually available without disrupting the primary couple’s bond. The relationship dynamic is often seen as transactional, where the bisexual woman is a resource for the couple to explore their non-monogamous desires, even if that is not what the couple may initially feel like is happening.

Some couples may not see the harm in this approach, but many believe that the practice is unethical because it prioritises the couple’s desires without considering the unicorn's autonomy, emotional needs, or individual boundaries and puts unrealistic expectations on another person to fit into a pre-existing relationship and love both partners "equally".

Unicorns: the good and the bad

While the term "unicorn" has negative connotations in many polyamorous communities, some individuals happily embrace it. There are bisexual women who enjoy engaging with couples in a more casual, often sexual, way and who may see this dynamic as not an issue because they do not have an expectation of the relationship to go beyond the casual.

For these women, being a "unicorn" can be empowering, as they may find this arrangement meets their needs in a way that other types of polyamory might not. They may appreciate the freedom and lack of emotional responsibility, and they may also enjoy the sexual exploration and intimacy that comes with being involved with a couple.

However, it’s important to remember that it's very different when someone is consenting and willing to participate in the dynamic and is fully informed and is not expecting something that will never come. For many who end up being unicorns, their experience is one of being treated as disposable or secondary to the couple, leading to emotional distress and harm. It’s essential that all parties involved approach this type of relationship with respect, consent, and communication.

What is a unicorn hunter?

A "unicorn hunter" is a term typically used to describe a couple, often heterosexual, who actively seek out a bisexual woman to join their relationship. This term is frequently used in a pejorative way, suggesting that the couple is inexperienced in non-monogamy or practising an unethical form of polyamory. Unicorn hunters are often perceived as looking for a "perfect" addition to their relationship, treating the unicorn as an object or resource to fulfil their desires rather than acknowledging the bisexual woman's autonomy or emotional needs.

The term "unicorn hunter" is generally criticised for its objectifying nature and its disregard for the individuality and boundaries of the bisexual woman involved. Unicorn hunters may create an environment where the bisexual woman’s needs are overlooked, and she is seen as a mere accessory to the couple’s dynamic.

However, there are instances where people choose to reclaim the term "unicorn hunter" in a positive light. These individuals might use it to describe their intentional, respectful pursuit of a unicorn partner. In such cases, they seek to engage in consensual, ethical non-monogamy and avoid the power imbalances and objectification commonly associated with the term.

Ethical considerations and alternatives

The pursuit of a unicorn can be problematic when it disregards the autonomy and emotional needs of the bisexual woman involved and have unrealistic expectations, especially where they want a closed triad. Ethical non-monogamy prioritises communication, consent, and respect for all parties’ desires and boundaries.

o ensure that all individuals in a polyamorous dynamic are treated equitably, it’s crucial to:

• Prioritise communication: Open and honest communication is key to navigating the complexities of polyamory. This includes discussing everyone’s needs, desires, and boundaries before engaging in a unicorn hunt.
• Respect individual autonomy: Every individual should be treated as an equal and as an autonomous person with their own agency. Their emotional needs should be considered just as seriously as those of the couple.
• Avoid objectification: The unicorn should never be viewed as a resource or "tool" for the couple’s sexual pleasure. Instead, focus on mutual respect, connection, and the well-being of everyone involved.
• Explore alternatives to unicorn hunting: If a couple is looking to expand their relationship, they might consider finding someone who values the same emotional connection and intimacy as they do and date as individuals and see if there is a mutual connection that comes up.

Wrap-up

Unicorns and unicorn hunters represent a polarising aspect of non-monogamy. The term "unicorn" often refers to a bisexual woman sought by a couple for threesomes or a triad, but it can lead to harmful power dynamics when the unicorn’s autonomy and emotional needs are not respected.

Likewise, "unicorn hunters" may be viewed as unethical, though some reclaim the term in a more positive, respectful way. Ethical non-monogamy involves clear communication, respect, and consent to ensure that all individuals involved are treated with dignity and care.