What is an OPP in polyamory?

OPP, or "One Penis Policy," is an agreement often found in non-monogamous and sometimes polyamorous relationships, particularly between cisgender individuals. In an OPP arrangement, a cisgender woman and a cisgender man agree that the woman will only pursue relationships with other men.

The OPP arrangement typically emerges when two partners agree on boundaries around sexual or romantic interactions with others. There are a lot of reasons why someone might ask for or agree to an OPP. In many cases, the woman in the couple only has an interest in pursuing relationships with women anyway, so she may not feel the rule is problematic for her.

However, many people feel that there is an underlying premise is that the cisgender woman dating another man is seen as a threat or challenge to the relationship, whereas her dating a woman is not considered a threat. However, this may not be something that is explicitly said between the couple.

Main criticisms of OPP

While OPP might seem like a harmless agreement to some, it has attracted significant criticism, primarily for its underlying gendered assumptions. Many people feel like the idea that a woman dating a woman is less of a "threat" is devaluing sapphic relationships or assuming women are less likely to "take" another woman from a man.

This type of arrangement is often seen as enforcing outdated views on gender, relationships, and sexual autonomy. Since it is typical that it is the man that requests this arrangement, many feel this structure perpetuates patriarchal and misogynistic views. Even if it is not explicitly said, many people feel like the underlying premise is devaluing women.

OPP and gender non-conforming people

Another major concern with OPP is its exclusion of transgender and gender non-conforming individuals. The policy typically doesn’t address the possibility of the cisgender woman forming romantic or sexual relationships with someone who isn’t a cisgender man or focusing entirely and mostly on the genitalia involved without considering how people express their gender. This exclusion reinforces binary gender norms, often marginalising trans men, trans women, and non-binary individuals.

In a world where gender identity is increasingly understood as a spectrum, the strict boundaries of OPP seem out of touch to many with modern understanding. Considering it's fully possible for a trans woman for example to have a penis, the "rule" often doesn't take different gender and genital configurations into account. If and when an OPP policy takes this nuance into account, it can sometimes reinforce transphobic ideas such as the idea that a trans woman is the same as a man and a trans man is the same as a woman.

This binary approach to relationships can also create harm by invalidating the experiences of non-binary individuals by chalking up their gender expression and identity to simply how they look at first glance.

Is OPP ethical?

The ethics of OPP depend largely on the perspectives of the individuals involved. Some women in non-monogamous relationships may feel comfortable with the arrangement, especially if they don’t have any interest in dating men. For them, OPP may seem like a reasonable boundary. However, for others, OPP can feel restrictive or unfair, as it places limitations on who they can date based on rigid gender categories. There are many cases of women agreeing to an OPP because they feel they have no other choice if they want any form of non-monogamy at all, even if they don't agree with it.

One thing to consider, however, is that it can often be more difficult emotionally when a partner dates someone who you can directly compare yourself to. Even though the phrase is "OPP", it may not actually be fully about the "P" in it's entirety and may be more about wanting to avoid the difficult emotions that come with directly comparing yourself to a metamour. It may be easier for some men for their women partners to date women not because they don't value sapphic relationships but because they can't compare themselves as easy to other cisgender women, so the situation is less emotionally triggering.

However, controlling who your partner is allowed to date is not within the general spirit of polyamory. Even if you have emotionally valid reasons for wanting an OPP and even if it has nothing to do with feeling your partner will be "stolen" from you, that doesn't mean that one should respond to fear with controlling what your partner does or who they can date for the sake of avoiding difficult emotions.

Wrap up

OPP is a term that continues to generate debate within the non-monogamous community. While it may work for some couples, its limitations and criticisms highlight important issues around gender, inclusion, and the ethics of non-monogamy. The exclusion of transgender and gender non-conforming individuals from OPP is a central concern as well as the implicit message it can send about sapphic relationships.

As with all relationship agreements, the key to ethical non-monogamy is mutual consent, clear communication, and an understanding of each person’s desires and boundaries.