How to find a unicorn

Hello: my wife and I are a very loving couple. And, we are very much in love with one another. We are also interested in other women for a polyamorous relationship. We have successfully managed a treeium three times now. However, we were both wondering if there is any type of jewelry or anything that we could wear that signifies our devotion to a polyamorous lifestyle. It almost seems like there would have to be something that would let a potential unicorn know that it is okay to approach us. or, for us to approach her in a safe and nonchalant manner. Ideas???

Wow, there’s a lot to say here.

First and foremost, it’s really hard to say if what you want is actually polyamory or a long term sex partner. I totally get why monogamous couples open their relationship and think it’s “safer” to do it as a couple, but if you actually put yourself in the position of a single person who is approached by not just one person, but two people that expect you to not only feel the same about both of them but also might get rid of you if things don’t work out the way the couple expect — does that sound like a enticing situation? Not so much.

It’s a lot of pressure on one person. And because you mention “threesomes” and nothing else that would indicate your primary interest is relationship based, rather than sexual, it further makes me suspect that you both aren’t really interested in a relationship. And in general, I wonder what research you have actually done on polyamory at all, because if you had done some, you’d know that a “unicorn” is not a compliment — although I can’t fault you for being 100% honest with everyone about what you want.

People call them “unicorns” for a reason — because they don’t exist. If you want to show your “devotion to a polyamorous lifestyle”, you should start by doing enough reading to know and understand that dating as a couple and expecting a person to be interested in both of you is very unlikely for a lot of important reasons.

That said, if what you want is a regular connection with the same person who would be perfectly happy to come in, have a good time with you all and not be hurt at all if you decided to stop having sex with them, I’d honestly suggest you consider becoming a regular client of a sex worker — after you do much more research on how to be a good client for a sex worker. A sex worker could and can come in, understand your boundaries as a couple, have a good time with you, and then, if you decided that there was an issue, they wouldn’t be hurt personally if you decided to stop being a client.

If you were looking for something more like a friendship, you might consider going to the swinger community and finding some couples to swing with — but even then you are less likely to find a single woman all on her own looking for a couple. You’re more likely to find another couple you can swap with, who you could swap with regularly and have a closer more intimate relationship with.

These are the best options I can give you. I say this with all the respect I can muster — you will not be approaching any individual in a ‘safe’ and ‘nonchalant’ manner at this point with any symbol you could wear because you haven’t done enough research to know that ‘unicorn’ is not a positive descriptor. Please do more research and consider if you’re actually ready or willing to invite another person with their own feelings, needs and wants into your lives as autonomous individuals and what you’re going to do if it doesn’t work out perfectly.

It’s exactly this type of situation which causes people to be immediately suspicious of hierarchies. It’s not necessarily a problem if you and your partner want to date together and you would both like to date the same person. And… while I wouldn’t say that it isn’t inherently a problem that you both would like to date a woman, I do think it is a problem if you want to be polyamorous, as in truly polyamorous, and your wife cannot date another man (or you for that matter) because only being allowed to date as a couple really isn’t “open” or “polyamory” in the full sense of the word.

If this is what you’re interested in, I get that. But the way you are going about it clearly indicates that you operate as one ‘unit’ and the other person is a secondary and that is going to give the impression that they will be jettisoned the moment there is turbulence in your relationship. And there are very, very few people who are going to be okay with that. Even though I do operate on a hierarchy in terms of how I spend my time, I absolutely do not see this as all relationships, even friendships or family relationships, are not as important as my relationship with my domestic partner.

If you genuinely want to find someone you both want to date at the same time, put some effort and time into understanding polyamory, understanding what it’s like to be a ‘secondary’, understanding the issues that people face. Focus less on trying to put up a front to make someone feel ‘safe’ and do the actual work that will make them safe. I believe once you’ve done this work… well, it’ll still be quite hard to find a single woman who is interested in dating a couple but… you’ll at least be an option for someone who might consider it, no matter how hesitant they are.

I hope this helps and good luck.

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