Monitoring your partner's phone

So my wife and I are working at possibly getting into (swinging, hotwife) life style. A guy reached out to me and wife agreed to give out number for the first time they were chatting and I got ghosted by him and she updated me on what was texted by both parties. Some red flags came up from him and I put a end to it but both continued to chat as platonic and I was not happy because I said stop. 2 weeks age she said she completely ended the chatting but I guess he reach out again and she told me she does not think he will reach out again.

One rule was I see all texts and be informed on all texts but this last go around she has not let me see it and she lied about him reaching out again until I told her I knew he did my guy feeling she acts differently when she's hiding something what should I do? Ask to see her phone? I feel this guy will not stop and is a bad influence on her. Please help.

The thing about going through someone else’s phone is that it demonstrates a basic lack of trust in your partner. While I don’t blame you for struggling with trust given that it seems like you both had different perceptions of how this would go that didn’t line up, you’re also displacing the responsibility your partner has for her actions onto this other person as if he’s a “bad influence” when your partner is a grown adult who is responsible for her own actions. She’s not a child.

She’s making an active decision to be involved with this guy. But your approach to her and this is less like two grown adults in a relationship together and more like she can’t be trusted and needs you to control her by “putting an end” to her relationships and monitoring her communications. While I am not parent or a child raising expert, I would honestly say even doing that to a child isn’t going to get you the results you’re wanting to get and would be unhealthy even in those situations.

Do you and your wife trust each other? What is the reason you are looking into non-monogamous lifestyles? What is the goal? What is the anchor you both have that doesn’t involve saving your relationship and marriage? If you have agreed to monitor each other’s communications with other people, not only is this a violation of that other person’s privacy, but it also really speaks to not trusting one another. Even if you’re only interested in exporting swinging or other types of fantasies, that doesn’t mean that there is an innate right to monitor one another in such a way.

The point of attempting to monitor her communication and to end relationships she has with others when “red flags” crop up is to avoid any issues… but can you see how none of those things have prevented your wife from forming a relationship with someone else? Because fundamentally you cannot prevent your wife from falling in love with someone other than you. Even if you never opened your relationship, your wife could have met someone at the grocery store or work. We can’t prevent our partners from falling in love with someone else, out of love with us and leaving us.

First thing’s first, you should probably see a non-monogamy friendly couple’s therapist that can help you rebuild trust with one another. It’s very possible, as with many people that go into non-monogamy, is that each of you had a mental perception of how that would go that didn’t match up and you didn’t figure this out unfortunately until the rubber met the road because it’s unlikely that you really explored the topic through discussion and thought about how non-monogamy would fit into your life. It’s possible that because of that mismatch, feelings were hurt in the process, trust was lost and now it must be rebuilt.

Within therapy, you can explore what non-monogamy means for your relationship, what your boundaries are, and how you both plan to work together on this in the future. Don’t go through people’s phones, agree on rules where you monitor communications (unless this is part of a kink that all parties agree to) and instead let go of the instinct you are having to control situations to avoid a breakup. My 101 and 102 articles go into depth on this and my book does as well.

I hope this helps and good luck.

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