I’ve been “hanging out” with J for about 3 years. We agreed in the beginning it would be an open friendship allowing us both to date and see other people.
After 2 years of hanging out we both established we care for each other but haven’t set any terms of what we are to each other. I told him recently that I have deep feelings for him and would like to give a relationship with him a go. He did not want to commit because of his fear or commitment and possibly losing me if something went wrong.
During our 3 years I haven’t dated or slept with anyone else while he has. In my head I have always been drawn to possibly having 2 partners but have never even been in a relationship period. Monogamous or non. I get incredibly sad when he tells me he is “matching with girls” on dating apps. I know I have value but I still can’t help but think he’s still searching for something that is missing.
J and I are an open book, we tell each other everything but he still doesn’t want to place a name on what we are even though he wants to see both of us. I would be very willing to try having a non monogamous relationship if the effort was the same as mine even in our friendship.
Am I really ready to be in a non monogamous relationship or am I doing it to please him?
Even if you were non-monogamous, that wouldn’t necessarily solve the inherent problem here.
You very clearly want this relationship to have *some* definition and very clearly doesn’t want to give you that. Being non-monogamous doesn’t require him to give your relationship any definition at all. A lot of people are non-monogamous and have relationships with no definition.
Sometimes people who don’t give you a sign are giving you a sign. I can absolutely relate to the situation of feeling like you’ve put so much effort and energy into a situation and feeling like you want to see it to fruition, but unfortunately, as I have had to painfully learn, people are not suddenly going to give you what you want from them just because you’re giving them what you want to see.
I can see the benefits in treating people how we want to be treated, but that has to also come with the expectation that that person may not give you back the same energy and you have to learn how to walk away when people are not giving you what you need. This seems like the case.
Don’t be non-monogamous for this person. Don’t be monogamous for this person. Stop “hanging out” with J and any other guy who can’t give you what you need. I hope this helps and good luck.
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If you’re looking to start exploring polyamory or you’ve been non-monogamous for awhile and struggle with anxiety, The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy may be for you. Even if you aren’t exactly struggling with anxiety, it could be a great book for beginners.