Pushed into polyamory

My boyfriend of just a few months decided that he will not be happy and will eventually cheat if he cannot be non-monogamous. Going into this he knew my views on being monogamous but I did not know his. He only said that in the past he's a bit of a wh*re. He never used the words non monogamous or polygamous until just recently. We have a extraordinary bond and it will be a great loss if it we decide to end this relationship. I myself, I am heavily into the bdsm community but am monogamous.

I tried to be open to this but he is rushing me and now I have no trust that he is not cheating when he is not with me. I absolutely do not understand non monogamous. I feel not enough, I feel like I am going to run into one of his partners while we are out, in every inch of this, I feel anxiety. He cannot answer my questions about why he needs this or how often...really anything I ask he doesn't have an answer for. I'm so confused...I'm very close to walking away because I don't feel safe and secure around this.

The biggest problem for me in this entire situation is the fact that he’s not only rushing you into being polyamorous but that he cannot answer questions about what his reasoning is behind this. It makes sense that he maybe hasn’t done the exploration as to why he wants polyamory, but there are still things he could do to talk with you and make you feel secure and he’s really not doing any of that at all.

There are some people who struggle with sexual monogamy and who truly cannot do monogamy and that’s completely valid. There are some people who, unfortunately, do not figure this out until they are already in a monogamous partnership. That’s also completely valid. It’s an absolutely frustrating situation to be in. If you had been in a relationship for years, I could see why your boyfriend would be struggling to end your relationship to pursue what he would prefer to do.

I don’t know his background and what experience he has with monogamy and why it’s your relationship in particular that has caused him to decide that monogamy is not for him. He’s refusing to engage you in discussions about this and I feel that even if he is interested in not being sexually exclusive, there is no reason to rush this, especially in a global pandemic where we really shouldn’t be meeting up with new people anyway.

Whether or not you want to put forward another effort on this is up to you. You can suggest going to a polyamory friendly couples therapist to talk through the transition into polyamory, exploring what it is that he’s interested in and why, and exploring what aspect of it might interest you could be something that you can do. But the thing that I would really ask you to think about is whether or not you think that, after just a few months, it is worth going through this type of trouble for what should be basic communication from someone you’re in a relationship with.

I don’t doubt you have a great connection with this guy. I don’t doubt that you’re having a lot of feelings about the relationship and don’t want to lose it. But I don’t think that this guy is likely going to be the only person that you are going to have a connection with. It may feel like that is the case for you right now, but, again, ask yourself if, only a few months in, is it worth going through all that you have gone through to get to a level where your partner communicates with you? Where your partner respects your boundaries and is able to be patient and understanding?

You don’t need to be polyamorous. If there is no benefit you can see for polyamory for yourself other than keeping this relationship, ask yourself if it’s really worth it. A partner who does not cheat on you is a very, very basic request which you shouldn’t have to go through so much to get.

I hope this helps and good luck!

Subscribe to Non-Monogamy Help

Don’t miss out on the latest issues. Sign up now to get access to the library of members-only issues.