The "Heads Up" Rule

For some background, my partner (he/him) and I (she/her) have been dating for a year and a half, living separately. I’m a pansexual demigirl (nonbinary/woman) and he is a cis straight man. We both came into the relationship already being polyamorous, with him having a year’s more experience than myself. He was my first official polyamorous relationship as I’d just started practicing. In the first few months of dating, we had a casual/FWB dynamic and and would meet weekly, not texting much in between.

At that time, we had a natural tendency to inform each other of our other hookups or dates when we saw each other next. Within 3 months, we had developed romantic feelings for one another and decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Our life has become more enmeshed to where we text daily and inform each other of how our week is going and what we have planned. We go on regular dates, and alternate between low energy and high energy activities.

We very much enjoy our sex life. Almost all of the time, we get along great, enjoy our time with each other, and respect and love each other deeply. We both want to build our future together in a way that doesn’t include children, marriage, or cohabiting.Our early agreements when we became committed partners only consisted of informing each other of STI risks and informing each other of upcoming dates or changes to relationships.

With feelings involved and my newness to non-monogamy, we both felt a bit cagey at times, not sure how to communicate about our other relationships. There was a brief period (1-3 months) where I had asked for a semi-DADT arrangement because I was struggling to hear about his other partner (his FWB), and by the time we ended it, we both felt hurt and somewhat blindsided about the other’s activities. After that, we decided to be more transparent about our dating lives because our lives had become more intertwined.

This consisted of us informing each other of upcoming dates again and I had agreed to inform him of upcoming sexual activities with dates. At the time, I didn’t realize that I was agreeing to giving him a “heads up”. For our entire relationship, I’ve had more dates and more hookups that haven’t resulted in additional partners while he’s had a consistent FWB he’s seen for longer than knowing me and the occasional date that doesn’t lead to anything more. When he goes on dates, he informs me a few days beforehand, but doesn’t have an obligation to inform me beforehand if a first date results in sex.

He’ll tell me the next day or when he sees me next, and that’s a level of disclosure I’m fine with.Earlier this year, there were two agreements (heads up before dates/sex and talking about STI risk beforehand), that I unintentionally broke back to back. I say “unintentionally”, not because I don’t take accountability for how my decisions hurt my partner, but because they were broken due to a combination of factors such as fawning, people-pleasing, unclear agreements, unchecked insecurity and self-sabotaging, and extreme anxiety resulting in avoidance. I’ve never had issues with infidelity in the past when I was monogamous, so I was confused and disappointed at my behavior.

I told my partner immediately, and the fallout was tangible. I recognized the rift I had caused in our relationship, led repair efforts with my partner, and informed him I’d take a 3 month hiatus from dating in order to reflect on my actions and do CPTSD therapy to unravel the maladaptive behaviors I’d devloped in my childhood. I followed through on all these actions and I’m proud of the progress I made over the past few months. My partner and I got back to a really secure place and he had built back his trust in me again in addition to me regaining trust in myself and getting better at managing my anxiety.

During that hiatus (which actually extended into 5 months), I spent time fostering my friendships and expanding my involvement and participation in our local kink community. My partner had introduced me to kink, but it was introduced to me through our sex life and is still a regular part of it. As I’d learned more about kink in a formal community context, I realized how much it could overlap with sex but could exist alone without sexual activity involved. I started attending a rope studio and regularly attending classes with my friend.

I was increasing my rope skills, mainly topping my friend and tying myself, and telling my partner about what I learned. From how he would respond, it felt like he was supportive of my engagement in rope. He would never explicitly ask for me to teach him how to do certain ties, and the one time I demonstrated a double column tie for wrists on him, he wasn’t interested in learning it himself and opted to show me a quick/loose cuff knot he knew that wasn’t a safe alternative to the wrist cuffs I’d learned at the rope studio.

From that interaction, I got the message that he was not interested in learning how to top me for rope.A few weeks ago, I initiated a conversation with him, informing him that it had been a lot longer than 3 months and while I wasn’t ready to go on dates again, I was now interested and ready to have more rope play partners of a non-sexual nature. I told him I’d keep him updated as this develops. In my own reflection time, I realized how much anxiety I had built up about effectively “re-opening” my side of the relationship.

I had messed up so bad earlier in the year that I was afraid to try again, for fear of making mistakes. I journaled on my own, identified thought traps, and got to a place where I was ready to take baby steps to conquer my anxiety. Fast forward to this weekend, and we are apart because he was spending time with family. While we were apart, I heard about an annual rope conference ran by people I know that was happening that weekend, and signed up for the waitlist because the tickets were all sold out, figuring I’d never get off the list due to the event’s popularity.

The night before the conference, I got an unexpected message saying I got off the waitlist (after people ahead of me on the waitlist couldn’t attend last minute) and could snag a ticket! I felt like it was fate and immediately decided to get a ticket and attend the next day, but my usually rope buddy friend was not able to come because she hadn’t purchased a ticket in time. My partner was busy with family and was about to go to bed, so I figured I’d inform him the next morning. It was a busy morning where I had a small gap after an early workout to get changed and get to the conference so I texted him as I was on my way.

I understand it was very abrupt and poorly timed because we couldn’t have a conversation first, but I figured it would be best to give him a heads up about my activities over the weekend instead of informing him later. I also didn’t want to miss out on the opportunity to attend, as it would be my first kink-related conference.The conference consisted of discussion and tying based sessions and a play party at the end of the night (sexual activity was not permitted in the space, only kink/rope).

I showed up to the conference a little anxious but excited to make new friends. My usual rope buddy, who is a good friend of me and my partner now, told me that her partner (who is also a friend of ours) would be attending later in the day and encouraged me to tie with him. Later in the afternoon, I was relieved to see him show up because he was a familiar face, and I agreed to allow him to tie a behind the back arm binding on me during a labbing session where we were learning that tie. I have a fear of bottoming due to my first time (a year ago) being particularly risky and with a stranger, so I was challenging myself to overcome my fear of bottoming at this conference, starting with a friend I already trusted and had the appropriate experience to tie me safely.

It was a positive experience, and I felt comfortable enough that when he asked, I agreed to wanting to do a scene with him at the play party later in the evening. We loosely negotiated in the moment but would flesh more of the details out at the party (I had every intention of following my existing agreements with my partner, so the rope scene would not involve sexual activity and only limited touch).

I was very excited about this breakthrough in my rope journey, so during our dinner break before the party, I messaged my partner to inform him of what was going on. I kept my texting concise, using the terms “topping” and “bottoming” (terms I figured my partner was familiar with regarding kink), mentioned the arm binding, and informed him that I was tying with someone we both knew and considered a friend. I was anxious about how he would take it, and that anxiety wasn’t misplaced…My partner was surprised and taken aback.

He expressed that he was hurt and initiated a text conversation that quickly devolved. I decided to skip the play party (I told my friend I could no longer make it) and decided to skip the second and last day of the conference just to play it safe. This sucked because I had already paid money to attend the whole conference. We got on the phone later that night to talk more. He said he took my text to mean “look how much kinky fun I’m having without you” while I meant it as “I’m excited for this last minute opportunity and want to keep you in the loop on what I’m doing”.

He took the words topping and bottoming to be purely sexual, so he was shocked to hear I’d already planned and agreed to bottom for a rope scene with our friend. Whereas, from my perspective, I wanted to gain more experience at the conference and felt safe enough to try bottoming (being the one tied) for rope with someone I already knew and trusted. It did not imply that my friend and I would have any sort of ongoing rope partnership or practice after the conference ended. It all developed very quickly so I understood my partner’s alarm, but I wished he would have been curious and asked clarifying questions (“mind if I ask what this scene involves?”, “what do you mean by topping?”) instead of jumping to conclusions, and I wished he would have expressed his discomfort (“Do you mind if we have a discussion first before you do a scene with your friend?”) instead of immediately defaulting to primal panic.

I surely didn’t expect this response because the situation had nothing to do with sex or dates, but a kink activity he knew I practiced regularly. I see where I went wrong in possibly moving too fast, but I also don’t think I should need to wait and ask my partner’s permission before attending a conference. He’s also aware and has been fine with me previously attending play parties solo at our kink club, where I usually wear a nice outfit, chat with friends, and watch the scenes going on.

He elaborated and said that he’s been wanting to share that experience with me first before I decided to play in a public space with someone else. I had no idea that he had this desire, it felt as if he expected me to read his mind, and I was upset at hearing that I’d essentially failed a test I didn’t even know existed. The confusing thing was, he had not brought this up prior when I told him weeks ago that I was looking for more rope partners, and he blamed me for not making it a priority to plan to play with him in public these past few months.

He had never asked or expressed interest in prioritizing such a thing recently, and we also had a shared scene in public with a friend a few months ago. I had no idea that he felt this way. He also accused me of not having enough energy recently to do things with him in public at our kink club, but I pointed out that our recent dates have been shortened and more low energy (cooking at home, watching TV and movies) because his work schedule has become more demanding, has him working later hours, and leaves him tired most days (ex: we’ll meet at 7 pm when he gets off work instead of 3 pm like we used to).

We ended the phone conversation with apologizing to each other for the miscommunications and saying I love you. We were both still feeling our feelings but went to bed and agreed to follow up the next day. I woke up this morning and I’m still upset. I feel as if my autonomy and ability to be spontaneous are becoming more and more restrictive. I feel like we’re being held to different standards when he responds poorly to me behaving in ways that are within the boundaries of our relationship, while I have done a lot of internal work to be supportive of him doing similar. I have no idea how to navigate a follow up conversation with him if he’s still in a triggered state.

I think it’s completely fair that he’s feeling upset and I validated that. I’m just feeling really hurt by how he reacted, worried about the state of our relationship now, and clueless as how to navigate this moving forward. I don’t want to throw the towel in on this relationship because we love each other and are always committed to working out differences. 99% of the time we communicate really effectively and are often on the same page, but the 1% of the time that miscommunications happen, it’s concerning how quickly I lose the benefit of the doubt and become a villian in my partner’s eyes.

I want to spread my wings and fly, but whether or not my partner intends this, I feel like my wings keep getting clipped. Is this something we can work through and grow from? Or is this an incompatibility we won’t be able to compromise on?

This is one of the reasons why I think "heads up" or permission based rules act in disservice of people, which I'm sure you know. And I would probably in your shoes seek to re-negotiate this type of rule because really, it doesn't lead to any good place for the person asking for or giving permission. I'd invite you and your partner to consider what if, after buying the ticket for the convention, your partner would have said they were not comfortable with it. Bringing up the issues he brought up then would have been as surprising and as unwelcome as it did just before you were about to go to a play party.

I think heads up rules tend to stand in place of regular relationship check ins, which are a much better time and place to air grievances. Even if you respect the heads up rule, there is a perfectly logical reason for you to feel resentful and frustrated when, as you said, your autonomy is being dictated by another person, because you have decided to give them that power over you. Stewing in that resentment is not a good place for you to then hear about all of the issues that your partner has with your relationship. It's one of the worst times to be open to that.

However, if you want to continue in this relationship and if you think that there is something here for you to hold onto, I think it would be good for you both to come to a point where you realise things have happened in the past and these are things you're going to essentially bury the bones of the things that have gone on and go forward in a new dynamic. Because I feel like if he holds onto whatever agreements you broke (and I wonder why it is you don't go into depth explaining those) and if you hold onto him not telling you about his interest in participating in the rope play then you're both going to end up sitting in resentment about the past. Can you both step forward with a clean slate?

Then when it comes to renegotiation, reconsider the concept of this "heads up" that you clearly do not want. It doesn't serve you both. If you're going to be polyamorous, then it means you are allowed to have other sexual and romantic partners. Replace the heads up rule with two things: an idea of scheduled, intentional and dedicated time you have with each other and regular relationship check-ins where you can bring up issues that have come up. Multiamory has a great RADAR method that a good deal of people use that might be helpful.

It might also be helpful for you to both think about your ideal polyamorous setup and how much time you want to spend with each other versus other people. That might also lead into a discussion about what your partnership means in comparison to others. Should you be the first to experience X Y Z with each other? Is that part of your partnership? There needs to be a mutual understanding of what your partnership means to each other and how you define it so that these sorts of things don't crop up during other moments where you're both on the defensive.

Although it might feel safer, it's important to recognise that disclosure beforehand does not eliminate any risk and it's costing you more than it is helping you. In terms of STI risk, agree with each other on your testing protocols and when you will disclose that there is a new sexual health risk and also agree if that happens before the other person is exposed to that new risk. It might be that, if you don't have the same concept or tolerance of risk, then you may have to think more about how you interact with each other and the modes of protection you use with each other instead of controlling what each of you do with other people.

Then I would work on how you plan on raising complaints with one another. Do you have the ability to come up with some sort of procedure, maybe within your check-ins, that ensures both of you are in a good place before you bring things up or you have a practice of stepping away? I totally understand the sort of moment when you break and you feel like you're just trying to get everything out that you've held in. I'm not sure if your partner really sees you as a villain. I think that sometimes when you hold it all in, which is what being on the receiving end of the permission request kind of invites you to do, when it finally comes out, it all comes out in a way you almost feel like you can't control.

I think now, I would probably refuse to have any serious relationship discussion via text or chat. This doesn't always mean I haven't ended up being upset and having conflicts -- I think this is just part of life. But I do think that being able to hear one another's voice and seeing one another's face absolutely does have an impact on how you relate to one another. Having regular check-ins will probably help, but I also think trying to make an agreement with one another that when you see things rising between you that you give each other a moment to cool down. If both of you can recognise that you have the ability to spiral into a back and forth that ultimately stands in the way of you actually coming to an agreement together.

In the process of figuring out what you both want and how you can meet in the middle, I think that you will be able to figure out how to negotiate things like being the first to have certain experiences with each other and how you want to prioritise playing with one another in comparison to others. Deciding to let go of the resentment of the past and the things that you both haven't done or should have done or would have done and focus on how you can put one foot in front of the other might be helpful. I would also think about getting a couples therapist that is aware of polyamory who might be able to walk you through some discussions about the past, if either of you are struggling with ways to reconcile that.

Overall, I don't think either of you are trying to cause issues with one another and I don't necessarily blame you for having a "heads up" rule. It makes a lot of sense and it does sometimes serve a purpose. But I definitely think I would consider replacing it with what I've discussed so far. Look at both of your ideals, how you can meet in the middle and compromise, how you can dedicate time to each other so you don't have to worry about what other relationships are happening, and what your relationship means in context and that will solve a lot of these issues. I'd also check out my 101 and 102 articles. You may find that you are not necessarily as compatible as you once thought you were and maybe your relationship worked better when it was less entwined -- that's also possible. But it's much better to arrive at that through a mutual exploration than through trying to shove a square peg in a round hole, causing both of you frustration.

I hope this helps and good luck!