Me and my wife we both know each other from 2015 and in September 2019 we got married.
Now she’s in Canada and for her studies and I’m in India waiting for this pandemic to be over so that I’ll be able to be with her.
Well the real question is that we are very broad minded when it comes to sexual needs and we love to try new things with each other. We the only issue right now is that I’m alone here and it feels weird when she talk about open relationship.
She said she want to feel other body not want to do sex. But I’m not ready to share my wife in any manner right now. I’m emotionally unstable and want us to be with each other. We have spend almost 3 months after marriage and after fighting for each others she had to go abroad.
What should I say to her about this? A bit of tensed conversation has been done and sometimes it feels like the person is changed or I’m not the priority.
I have told her that I want to begin our lives together first and then we will explore another Cosmos of that particular Era. In short I just want to remain with each other, her way of letting me know is that she want to do it anyway whether it’s fine or not for me.
If I say something she’ll be like I’m bounding her. Things have gone somewhere separation. That’s why this thing makes me vulnerable. Help me figure this out. I want her to wait for me. I don't want her to participate alone. I want us to be in team form. Thank you and pardon if it’s complicated. Looking forward to see your reply.
There are so many stories like this on polyamory forums and it makes me genuinely sad because, if not for the behaviour of the person pushing polyamory, this would actually be workable.
It is fair for someone to tell you what their needs are. She is not a bad person for wanting to open your relationship or for feeling lonely, especially during a global pandemic. Equally, you are not a bad person for wanting to be in a more stable situation before doing something which is definitely going to challenge you emotionally. It’s fair for you to want to wait until your relationship is not long distance so you feel more secure. It’s also fair for that to be too long for her to personally want to wait and for her to feel trapped by that situation and controlled.
What isn’t really fair is her basically telling you that she is going to do whatever she wants, with or without your blessing. No one should have to give up all of their wants and needs in a relationship, sure, but relationships, especially if you have taken the step to marry, are about compromises as well. You have to be willing to work with one another. If you reach a point where there is nothing to be compromised and you want to do what you want to do, knowing it is a hard limit for your partner, I feel like the adult thing to do in that situation is to be the one to pull the plug.
Instead, she’s just telling you that she’s going to do what she wants to do, adding the emotional leverage onto it that you’re binding her if you object, and not doing what she should which is fully breaking up so that she can do what she needs to do. As a complete aside, during a global pandemic, the last thing she should be doing is seeing new people anyway so I’m really confused as to what the rush is necessarily at this point. But you also seem unwilling to negotiate any type of “sharing” in any form, so she may just want to have the freedom to flirt with and establish romantic connections with others.
From your perspective, I think there are also a few things to consider, even if her behaviour isn’t exemplary. I think that you need to reconsider the idea that you have to open your relationship “as a team”. I’ve covered dating as a couple in a previous column, but in general I don’t recommend it. People should date as individuals, and if you will only allow her to see other people “with” you, I can see why that would be untenable for you.
Secondly, while it does make sense to want to be more stable before opening your relationship, this could be somewhat a delay of the inevitable. We go through periods of stability and instability in our lives and, even if the pandemic were to end and you were together, that does not mean you would not face another emotional hardship. A family member could die or something else could happen that would throw you off. When people put the condition on their relationship being open on their mental stability at any given point, that runs the risk of you wanting to shut things when you don’t feel great, which isn’t realistic or fair to anyone.
Thirdly, it’s understandable that you aren’t ready, but you have to be willing to face a certain amount of discomfort to try something new and, while it’s fine to want your partner around to have that reassurance, I think it’s worth also considering how to be more dynamic about getting emotional reassurance. Because, even if you were physically together, sans pandemic, your partner would not be available at all hours to provide you with emotional support. If you have that expectation, that is going to kill most attempts at polyamory because you are expecting the level of attention someone would get in a monogamous relationship and that just isn’t really possible with polyamory.
Overall, I think you need to consider if you are willing to be more flexible or if your needs are ultimately not matched. It would help, as I mentioned in my intro to polyamory article, to think about your anchor and the reasons you’re interested in opening your relationship and then consider both of your ideals. Two people can be interested in a polyamorous or open relationship and still be incompatible. It might be that what you actually want is swinging and what she wants is a more relationship anarchy type of situation. You need to find that out.
It’s also worth bringing up to her that this attitude of “I’m just telling you I’m going to see other people whether you like it or not” is not really okay and if she feels that way and she is unwilling to compromise or work through this with you, then she should do the right thing and break up with you rather than basically forcing you to do it. If you have access to therapy, you can still see a couples therapist together digitally, and that might be something you want to consider to work through some of these issues together.
I hope this helps and good luck!