Couple Incompatibility

My nesting/primary partner has hooked up with a mutual friends of ours Andrea. Andrea and my partner have always been more physically affection in social spaces as I am not the most affectionate person.

They now would like to explore more, have sex and have a "fluid friendship".

This friend Andrea also has a partner (Cassandra) and they say they have been open for a few years. Last year at a party we all had a party pash because my partner and I thought they are another versed couple that are experienced. We found out later that we've been the first people they have kissed outside of their relationship and that since talking with them the way they do open relos is quite unclear, vague and so we decided not to pursue something more sexual/playful with them.

For context, my partner and I date separately and have had other partners. One of my partners ex partner is in my sporting league. They broke up in November last year. I train twice a week with my partners ex which has been tricky because my partners ex has authority within the league.

On top of this, Andrea and Cassandra are also the sporting league together. We all do sport up to 2-3 times a week and some weekends include double days of tournaments or we travel interstate some time of the year as well for the sport. We are dedicated to the sport. My partner does not do the sport and for me doing sport has always been for my mental health.

When we first opened up our relationship this sport was also my individual space and it's where we have independent time. My partner is now very much in this space, we have some of our closest friends here and we do all socialised together. Since my partner and Andrea have hooked up I feel uncomfortable. I've tried to unpack where my boundaries are and it's not based in jealousy.

Andrea and my partner have good chemistry and I'm supportive of my partner exploring connections whilst holding my discomfort. It does just feel very back to back having worked through discomfort of my partner dating someone within the league and supporting them go through a horrendous breakup and now them being interested in someone else who is also in the league that we've been friends for a while and regularly go in double dates with.

I understand you can't help who you like but the situation now doesn't feel very safe with me and I'm not happy about the decisions my partner has made. They have told me that they find Andrea a safe person to explore with because there's a foundation of safety.

I have told my partner that what's safe for them isn't safe me and trying to convince me of the safety corners me and we have to accept to disagree. My partner understand this and said they realize they have more responsibility navigating this dynamic which is within our close circles.

We have also since discovered that Andrea wants polyamory and Cassandra does not. We all hang out together frequently and there's lots of mutual events for the sport as well so there's a lot of enmeshment between my and my partner and Andrea and Cassandra. On a few occasions Cassandra's discomfort around my partner and Andrea being flirty or sharing affection in spaces has caused angry outburst making me uncomfortable. There have been inappropriate things said.

My partner and Cassandra talk everyday and also have multiple phone calls a week. My partner said they don't experience NRE and aren't looking to date or want another partner at this stage but I said that's semantics and is not a useful conversation. Something may not be "dating" but can look like dating anyway and even if you feel like you don't fall in to NRE it may or may not be happening anyway. My partner and Andrea escalating is not the issue.

I have discomfort that Andrea and Cassandra are people I have to see multiple times a week for sport. I also don't particular want to be in such close proximity to someone my partner is interested in again as navigating it the first time around was tricky enough. I also don't want to lose Andrea and Cassandra as friends but it does all feel very encroaching.

I also don't trust Cassandra to have more outburst in the future and I won't want to be stuck in the middle of feeling awkward when I'm just doing training.

I also don't want to change leagues just to remove myself from the closeness of it all. I feel like that means I'm missing out but I guess that's the boundary? Doesn't seem fair through...I feel conflicted. 

This is one tangled situation wherein the vagueness doesn't seem to be helping anybody. But one thing I will say to start with is that there is no "safety" in relationships really, so I would first try to abandon that idea.

Even if your partner was not interested in Andrea, Cassandra or anyone else in your league, they could still date someone who could be "unsafe" for any number of reasons. That relationship may not be in your immediate physical proximity, but it still could cause you a lot of upset or create an issue.

As hard as it is to divorce your partner from the reality of an intermingling situation, I think you need to focus a little bit less on what's going on between your partner and Andrea (as well as what's going on between Andrea and Cassandra) and focus more on what's going on with you and your partner.

Some boundaries here might be a good way to start. To clarify, a boundary is not you telling someone else what they can or can't do. It's you deciding what you will accept for yourself and learning how to disengage if it comes to that. For example, a boundary is not "You're not allowed to come home drunk" but is instead, "I don't want to be around drunk people so if you come home drunk, I will sleep in the other room." It's about what you will do so that you can continue to be in relation with that person. It's not a punishment or a demand.

You do not need to hear details about your partner's relationship with Andrea or what's going on between Andrea and Cassandra -- especially if you are interacting with these people regularly. A boundary could be that you will ask to change the subject if and when the intimate details like this come up. You can make it known to your partners and your friends that you don't want to know any of this. And then you have to enforce your own boundary and walk away when it doesn't serve you. Boundaries don't really mean anything if you don't enforce them.

Unfortunately, you cannot decide for your partner who is good for them to date. Maybe it's a bad idea for them to date Andrea given what's going on between Andrea and Cassandra – but none of that is yours to manage or even technically your business and I would ask for this not to be my business if my partner brings up these details.

You have to let your partner manage their own life and make their own mistakes. While I get that some people have a "messy list" where they would likely list people they share activities with on that list, ultimately I don't think that trying to dictate who your partner can and can't date ends up working well for anyone involved.

I also don't think, given the amount of time you spend around each other, you're going to be able to avoid ever seeing your partner be more affectionate with Andrea. You didn't explicitly ask for that, but I wanted to mention it just in case. It's okay if you feel a little bit challenged by this especially if you don't feel you're super affectionate.

And Cassandra's feelings about that are not going to be something you're going to be able to avoid either. When it comes to this, I would if you need to talk with your partner about how they feel about the physical affection they get from you. See if that is even a real concern for them. They may not have any issue with you not being super physically affectionate. A lot of times, we can hyperfocus on our own "flaws" and think they are flaws when they really aren't.

In addition to seeking some reassurance and having some boundaries around hearing about other relationships, I think it would be helpful to secure what's going on between you and your partner. Have you had a discussion about how much time you want to spend together vs how much time you want to spend with other partners? If not, have that discussion.

Make sure you have scheduled, dedicated time outside of sports time to be with each other and that time, barring any emergencies, should be set in stone in your calendars. I think if you had a clearer idea of what's expected between yourself and your partner and more boundaries around how much you know about their other relationships, you might feel a bit more secure.

Another thing to consider is that, ultimately if your partner and Andrea and Cassandra do not respect your boundaries around knowing about their relationships or you feel like you can't deal with the tension between Andrea and Cassandra, your only solution is to leave the league and find another friend group.

As much as I get that isn't something you want to do, it might also be something that could happen even if you all weren't dating each other or if your partner wasn't dating Andrea. Sometimes when people in big friend groups date, it causes a friction that makes things awkward for the rest of the group. I think obviously polyamory makes stuff like this complicated, but I don't think you're ever going to be able to fully avoid this.

However, I think if you become a little less enmeshed, put down some boundaries around what information you're told, get solid with what you have with your current partner, and accept some of the inevitable awkwardness that's going to come with this, it might make for at least a more manageable of a situation than what it is currently.

I hope this helps and good luck!