Don't Ask Don't Tell Ended New Relationship

My partner (A) and I recently opened up our relationship after years of discussing this. I went on a few dates, and one of the people I met, I had a really strong connection with (we’ll call them B). Luckily, B was really comfortable with polyamory, and A was initially supportive of me exploring this connection. However, pretty quickly A’s jealousy and insecurity flared up and became really difficult for either of us to cope with. 

The way that A wanted to cope with this was for me not to share anything about B. If I did mention anything about B, A got really angry and upset. B felt pretty uncomfortable with this arrangement, as it meant they couldn’t meet A or my friends (A and I have mostly the same friends), and felt like a secret I was keeping even though they weren’t. To be honest, it made me feel really uncomfortable too, as it felt like I was hiding a significant thing in my life from A, which was making our relationship feel more distant. I did ask A a few times whether there was any other way I could support and reassure them through this, but they didn’t think there was. 

Ultimately, after a couple of months of this I decided to end things with B. A didn’t ask for this, it was my decision, mostly because trying to manage the DADT dynamic felt like too much. B was only comfortable with it if it could be temporary and we could move towards more open communication, but A wasn’t ready to even talk about what this might look like, and I felt stuck in the middle.

I felt like A and I clearly had some things that we needed to work out, and might want different things altogether out of polyamory - and it felt really unfair to B to string them along when I wasn’t able to be clear about what I could and couldn’t offer them. On the other hand, A and I have been together for years, and whilst I appreciate we might ultimately decide to end our relationship, I didn’t feel ready to end it at the very first non-monogamy hurdle. 

Perhaps predictably, I am not feeling great about ending things with B. I really, really valued my connection with B, even though it was relatively short, and I miss them a lot. I feel like I compromised on something that was really important to me and wasn’t true to myself. I’m also concerned that by ending this new relationship, I’ve ended a chance for A and I to work through our differences and their jealousy - these kinds of things only really feel possible to work out in relationships.

After all, when all of this was hypothetical, we had no idea that A would be as impacted by jealousy as they have been. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to treat B like a Guinea pig or a tool to help me work out another relationship, and it didn’t feel right to string B along or ask them to wait whilst I worked out my relationship with A. 

However, none of that changes the fact that now I’m just feeling sadness, regret, and a bit of resentment. Any advice on what I could have done differently? Any advice on what I should do now? 

I'm sorry you went through all of this. It sounds like it was incredibly difficult. For clarity's sake, the advice I have is not to say you did things "wrong".

Had I been able to advise you when you first opened your relationship with A, I would have encouraged you both to find your anchor and explore your polyamory ideals. In that process, I think you would have been able to identify that what A was only willing to deal with was a DADT setup. I can't speak for A and what is going on in their head.

It's possible to have a more parallel form of polyamory where A would not be required to meet your partners or get to know them and maybe doesn't want to hear details about things – that's all right. For some people new to polyamory, this actually might be something that helps them. Parallel polyamory isn't Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Some people just don't want to meet their metamours and that's absolutely fine.

Monopoly setups are also possible – where one person is monogamous but the other one is polyamorous. Those can function well, especially if the monogamous person doesn't mind getting less of their polyamorous partner's time for whatever reason.

However, the concern that I have is that you mentioned that whenever you mentioned anything about B, A got angry and upset. Unless A was consciously aware that they were having these reactions and being willing to work toward being less reactive, this was essentially a DADT dynamic. Even if it was never outright explicitly said you had to keep B a total secret, if you can't even *mention* them, that is a huge issue.

If I were able to give advice after this had already started, I would have pointed out that even if A didn't react negatively to any mention about B, there are absolutely fully polyamorous situations where A wouldn't want to meet B and where intending that as an end goal would have put unfair pressure on A for a dynamic that they don't want – though this would have been addressed when you all discussed your ideal polyamorous situation.

A is absolutely allowed to not want to meet B or any future Bs you may have. But they can't pretend like B and any future Bs you may have do not exist. And you may have to sit in the discomfort of A being a little bit jealous without trying to avoid that by avoiding discussion of B or any future Bs.

It's possible that restarting this situation may be possible, but I can't blame B for not wanting to be apart of it. B doesn't sound like they want things to be parallel and that may be more of what A wants. Start with figuring out what polyamory means to you. How many partners would you ideally like to have? How would you balance your time between partners?

How would you balance your time between other commitments and your personal time? Then meet with A to figure out where your polyamory ideals meet. Two people can be polyamorous but not compatible. Are you okay with doing parallel polyamory? Can you not lie about B or the Bs you may have in your life but maybe limit the details until A is more ready to hear them? You may find out maybe A is okay with an "open relationship" but not the kind of open relationship you want to have and then it will be about how important this is for you.

If you do figure out how you want things to work, you'll be in a better position to speak to B or future Bs about the things they can expect within your relationship and then it is less of an experiment for them.

Instead of asking them to wait for a relationship state A may not be interested in, you will have a better idea of what you and any B you decide to approach will expect. I have covered some of these things in my 101 and 102 articles.

I hope this helps and good luck!