That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I’ve primarily been in monogamous relationships. However, those relationships have often failed because I cheated. In the past, I wanted to learn more about non-monogamy and polyamory so that I could, you know, not cheat on people—so that I could be open and honest. But I’ve usually had monogamous partners who didn’t want that, so it wasn’t compatible and didn’t work out.

Now, I finally have a partner who’s amazing. I mean, my past partners were amazing too, but this one actually wants to be in an open relationship. It’s technically new for both of us, though—neither of us has ever been in an honest, open relationship before. He’s only ever suppressed his desires and ended a monogamous relationship to start something new with someone else. And I’ve only ever cheated and, you know, started something up with someone else. Blah, blah, blah.

So now, we’re trying to be each other’s primary partners. It’s been about six months since our first date and about three months since we had the talk about being each other’s primary partners. We’ve just been figuring it out.

I got your book from the library, loved it so much that I ended up buying it, and now I want to buy your workbook as well. I also listen to your podcast.

A few things you should know about me: I have diagnosed ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I do a lot of work and self-care for that. I’m in therapy weekly with an amazing therapist who’s supportive of open relationships.

I guess I feel like—maybe because of my ADHD and my need to learn as much as I can and do things really well—I’ve been obsessing over non-monogamy. It’s taking up too much of my brain space, and it feels like it’s all I’m thinking about. I’ve been reading everything I can, learning about it, and basically trying to get a PhD in non-monogamy.

I’d love your advice on how to not let this take over my life and relationships.

Response

So you actually had a two-part question, and I'll get to the next part of it in episode 158, but for the first part, it's focused mostly on not becoming obsessed. And the thing that I want to say, I mean, I kind of feel like you've kind of asked the wrong person, in a way, because I don't have ADHD, but I am on the autistic spectrum, and I do get special interests, and I get really, really into subjects.

And one of the reasons why I got into my column and my podcast and writing about non-monogamy was because I did do a lot of research; sexual health more so became a special interest of mine, and I started reading all about it.

I started listening to podcasts all about it. And I've had a lot of special interests, like I was for a short period of time, I thought I really wanted to be a death doula, which is somebody that supports a person who is terminally ill or is going to die, and is kind of giving them support about how to get their legal affairs in order, and like, emotional support and stuff like that.

So I kind of, and I am kind of obsessed, still a little bit with, like, encouraging people to think about, you know, writing an Advanced Directive. If you're in the US and you haven't written an Advanced Directive, like, see, again, I have this special interest, please make sure you do, like, make sure your family and loved ones know what you want to happen to you after your death.

Talking about death is important. Talking about sex doesn't make you pregnant, talking about death won't kill you. See, like, that's a thing I'm— now I'm obsessed with, like nutrition and fitness and like misinformation about fitness.

I listen to a lot of podcasts about science misinformation. I'm more focused on the like nutrition science aspect of it. And anytime someone like says something, I'll be like, "Ah, I know about this," and I'll just offload onto them. So like, you're kind of asking the wrong person, because my initial reaction to your question is, like, what's wrong with that?

Like, because I actually have made references and jokes about the polyamory PhD, and that is what I refer to as, like, whenever, like, just go on the polyamory subreddit, go on any non-monogamy subreddit, or maybe it's just Reddit, but generally speaking, when someone's like, "I'm really interested in non-monogamy, where do I start?"

And everyone just gives them, like, this reading list, and they're like, "You need to read for six months before you try anything." And I actually disagree heavily with that, and that's actually one of the reasons why I'm putting together and will hopefully finish by the time I publish this, maybe it'll be finished…

A polyamory course for people who are just starting out, and it's if you go to polyamoryFasttrack.com it's designed to help people get started right away, because I do think there are practical, realistic things that you can do right away that don't require you to get your polyamory PhD.

So I don't think that it's necessarily a problem that you're reading about this. I actually think that it's really helpful and but I don't necessarily think that everyone needs to read loads. I say that as someone who's written a book, I want people to read my book, but I don't think that it's required.

And I don't think the only thing that I would hesitate with this with you is make sure that you're not being suckered into a false sense of security, that by reading all of this information, you're somehow going to prevent yourself from feeling and that is the problem that I find mostly with the polyamory PhD and in my own experience, like I was a super nerd.

I read everything I, you know, I spent a lot of years in sex advice communities, giving people sexual health advice that led to learning more about things like swinging, things like non-monogamy, and then I started learning more about that, and I felt like I knew so much, because I'd been in all of these communities, and I'd read all these scenarios, and I'd thought about it a lot, but thinking about things is very different to the emotional realities of actually experiencing those things.

And in the same way that you can read loads about having a child, you can read loads, and I'm not a parent, but everything that every parent has told me is also reflected this. It's okay to prepare, but there is an emotional reality of that situation that you aren't really necessarily going to be able to prepare yourself beforehand until it actually happens to you.

So I think that as long as you have a realistic outlook on this, as long as you are like, "Okay, I'm reading this because I want to be informed. I want to know about things. I want to figure it out. I'm starting this new thing”.

And please understand that you've spent your whole life like you grew up in a mono-centric society, and you've spent your whole life kind of digesting and processing information about monogamy. You just haven't intentionally been doing it right? Like you've seen monogamy represented in almost every single form of media since you were very, very little.

Most of us, especially if we were socialized and seen as women in society, were encouraged to think about, you know, you play that MASH game of like, who you're gonna marry, what house you're gonna live in, what's your wedding gonna be like, like, all of these sorts of things have us thinking about and theoretically planning for monogamy.

And so you've probably spent way more time in your life getting your monogamy PhD than you have getting your polyamory PhD. And so now you're trying to almost kind of balance it out a little bit learn more about it.

I don't think it's a problem, and I think that you should just allow yourself a little bit of grace in getting through this, but be realistic with yourself and say, like, "okay, you know, reading all this stuff isn't necessarily going to mean that I am going to be totally prepared and I'm not going to have any issues."

Like, everybody has issues. Everybody comes to relationships, whether they're monogamous, polyamorous, it doesn't matter. Everyone comes to relationships with quote, “baggage”.

I hate the word baggage. I don't think it's helpful, because I think it encourages the idea that nobody— that everyone doesn't have baggage, in a way. But everybody comes to relationships with the relational effects of what they've grown up with.

And there's so much out there like that demonstrates that a lot of people —I don't want to say that people were bad parents, because I think that a lot of people have done the best they could with the cards they were dealt, but I do think that it's not commonplace in most of the societies that I've grown up in and you know, different families can be different.

But it's not really common place for people to learn emotional regulation. It's not really commonplace for people to learn some of the skills that would really help them in any kind of a relationship, and that's because people aren't necessarily taught these things, and also because people are taught things which don't help our emotional regulation. So, you know, everybody, I think, regardless of whether or not they're trying polyamory or not, could do with a little bit of education on relationships.

It's actually what I think home ec should be, or sex ed should be. I don't think it should just be about like how to use a condom. It should be about understanding relationships, understanding how to talk to your partner, understanding how to ask for what you need, understanding how to say no, like, there's so many things that we're not necessarily taught.

So I think that it's okay to spend a little bit of time learning about that, as long as you don't just believe that learning about it is going to protect you in a way, and be open to experiencing those ups and downs of emotion.

Because I think a lot of the times, the biggest kind of mistakes that I see people make when they're starting out is just trying so hard to prevent negative emotions from happening and trying to control every aspect of the situation to the point where it causes more negative emotions than if they just let go of that. So, yeah, I don't think it's a problem.

I will, however, point out that personally, this is just me. I'm not trying to be a dick about it. I do think that sometimes people can become and this isn't just in polyamory. This is like, it can be anything. It can even be the gym, to be honest, it can be anything.

People kind of allow one aspect of something they're interested in to subsume their entire personality. And you know what? If they're happy with that, it's none of my business. One of the reasons why I don't really like polyamory communities, and why I don't like a lot of communities, to be fair.

Like I don't tend to like single identity communities, to be honest with you, and that's because I find it quite boring and not very relatable to just be talking about polyamory all the time, to just be talking about being queer all the time.

There's so many communities that I've been in where it's just like, this is all that we talk about and all that the other people talk about, and it just it gets really too much for me, and I don't personally like that.

Now, some people really dig that, like some people— I'm not a person who identifies as as polyamorous like I don't feel it's necessarily super part of my identity, but I do identify as being queer, but still, I find I don't necessarily believe that just because I'm polyamorous and someone else's polyamorous that we have enough in common to necessitate a community. Do you know what I mean like and I I don't think that's this that's true of queerness either.

Like, to be honest, I don't think that just because we share that experience, it means even other non-binary people like it's it's just one aspect of who I am, and I don't particularly like being almost drilled down to just that aspect. That's how I personally feel. I do think that different people are going to be on different journeys at different times in their life.

And I do think that when you're new to polyamory, and sometimes when you're kind of getting a foothold in an identity and you're kind of learning to accept it and understanding yourself, and all these sorts of things. I do think sometimes those single identity communities can be really helpful, because you need and want to feel not alone in your identity. And that's very understandable.

And I totally think that if you are for a short period of time, a little bit obsessed with polyamory and a little bit, you know, it's becoming— subsuming your life slightly. I don't think that that is abnormal. I think that's actually quite typical, because something that is not talked about in the mainstream, something that you can't just like, turn on a film and see it's going to be something that you're like, "Okay, I want to, I want to be in this for a little bit of time."

And I don't think that everybody needs to be at the same point of their journey at the same time. And, you know, there are some people who they really— polyamory is, like a big, deep part of who they are, and being in these communities really gives them a lot of social support and gives them a lot of you know, it gives them something in their life that they're missing, and that is totally valid.

For me, other communities give me that, and I enjoy more the diversity, to be honest, of different people and different interests and learning new things like that's more of something that gives me fulfilment, and I'm not necessarily that fulfilled by those other communities.

So yeah, I'd say that it's pretty normal to have polyamory be something that you're focused on. I also think given the second half of your question, which we'll go into in episode 158, there is a lot of anxiety and a lot of stuff going on, that would naturally mean that it is taking up a lot of brain space.

And if you do have a history of anxiety, and if you do have a history of, you know, anything that's similar to me, your brain is kind of like, "Oh, we're feeling anxious about this. Let's solve this. Let's read all we can," you know, like, I think that the problems that you're having are also contributing towards this kind of huge focus on polyamory, and I don't necessarily think it's a huge problem. So I think you should give yourself a little bit of grace.

I think that this is something new. This is something that you're just getting into, and it's okay if it does become a little bit of a focus. And it's okay if for a while, maybe you all you read— like, I mean, there are worse things, trust me, like, I, I honestly, one of my special interests at one time, was true crime.

And I am not even joking to you, I listened to — like, if you name a true crime podcast, I probably listened to every single episode of it. And I was also listening, like, on audible to, like, The Big Book of Serial Killers, like it was… and I started to feel bad, like I started to feel a little bit depressed. And then I was like, "Oh yeah, maybe it's all the murder that I'm listening to." And I had to stop myself.

I actually had like now I really — maybe there's like, I'll watch one true crime thing maybe every other week. But I keep it low because I cannot, like, I get depressed. And I don't think that this is the case for you. Like, it's not becoming an interest that is causing you harm.

Just keep an eye out on yourself and and make sure, you know — I think a good sign, a good kind of red flag, or kind of a stick of measurement to apply to almost anything. And this could be, you know, I also wanted to be careful around being interested in diet and nutrition, because I've had a history of orthorexia, which is, if you're not sure what that is, basically it's kind of being obsessed with eating healthy to the point where it comes become slightly disordered. But actually, my new obsession with that was not similar.

And the way that I measured that, and the way that I look at my special interests is that, “is this something I'm doing out of fear?” And that's a big difference for me. So am I doing something because I'm trying to prevent something that I'm afraid of, or because I'm afraid, if I don't do this, that I will explode, or something bad will happen?

Like, that's a good measurement. Like, now I'm interested in nutrition, but I don't, you know, I can still eat a donut. Like, it's not a big— you know what I mean? Like, are you doing this out of fear? So if you're, if you're focused on reading everything because you think that it will prevent you from something terrible happening, or it involves fear in some way, then that's something that you know you need to talk with a therapist with and, like, break down.

Maybe you need to, like, control what you're doing a little bit if it's causing you sadness and it's making you miserable, like my true crime special interest was doing, and maybe that's worth looking at, but I think otherwise, yeah, to sum up, this is pretty typical and pretty normal. for anyone who's interested in something new, especially for neurodiverse people.

I wouldn't really give yourself a hard time about it. And there are other, like, bigger issues that I will go through whenever we talk about the in 158 when we talk about your the second half of your question, but yeah, more or less, like, give yourself a break. It's okay. I hope this helps, and good luck.