That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

How do I move forward with my amazing partner with confidence when their nesting partner/wife has been so rude to me and has made several harmful decisions that impacted me - the betrayal and mistrust from this forced me to go no contact with the wife. I love my partner. Is this sustainable?

Response

I wish that I had a little bit more detail about what's going on in this situation, because I do tend to find that people will often blame their metamour for decisions that their partner has decided to take. And sometimes I think people who are living with people who started off as a monogamous couple and opened their relationship do kind of lean into this.

I don't always know if that's intentional, but I do think that happens quite a lot. I don't know what the harmful decisions have been that have impacted you. However, I would avoid looking at this situation from the standpoint of your partner not making these decisions, and it's all their nesting partner/wife, because at the end of the day, your partner is a grown-ass human being, and they make their own decisions.

They may feel like they don't have any other choice because they're in this partnership—they're presumably married—and they may not feel like they have full control over that, and that is understandable. I can understand why people feel that way. However, I personally would not accept someone blaming their nesting partner/wife for any decisions that have hurt me, because really, that's a separate relationship.

And it may well be that the wife has said something like—I'm going to use this as an example—let's say that the wife has said that you're not allowed to have nights out on Saturdays anymore. Like, Saturdays are theirs. Okay? That may be something that a partner would tell me. However, I would not really accept that as "this is the wife's decision, and I'm just a poor..." like that.

No, I would actually immediately correct them. And I would say, "No, you're making this decision. You are a grown adult. You are deciding—even if you have said, like, 'Oh, I've argued back and forth,' okay, whatever—but you are deciding that you're going with this decision. This decision is acceptable to you."

And I'm not necessarily trying to force anybody to break up with anybody, but I'm not going to pretend like my partner is just this amazing person that's totally innocent in this exchange. Like, that's not the case. This person has decided to sacrifice aspects of our relationship together for the sake of another relationship. That is what's happening. They are just making that decision. They are a grown adult.

They have the ability to walk away from that situation if they really want to. Now, there are abusive situations. There are caveats to that, of course, but I would not accept this as like, "Oh, my partner's so amazing, and it's all my metamour's fault"—this evil wife/nesting partner. I really, really would hesitate to put all the blame on the metamour. And, you know, like I said, there are abusive situations, there are caveats.

There are definitely people who manipulate and force their partners to do things that they don't want to do. I get that that happens. However, the situation would not be tolerable to me, because I would not want to be with someone who is with somebody that they feel is making them do things that they don't want to do and is not willing to leave that situation. And that may sound harsh, that may sound pretty harsh, but at the end of the day, like, you know, you've already gone no contact with the wife, which is fine.

Definitely recommend that. But if that is not stopping the situation from happening—like, if your partner is still making decisions and blaming or saying like, "This is a decision I don't want to make, but I have to do it because of my wife. Blah, blah, blah"—if that's still happening, then you have a basic premise put in front of you, which is that your partner, for whatever reason, is going to do whatever it is that their partner wants them to do, and you have to decide if you're okay with that.

You might be okay with that. Maybe, you know, in some situations, people might feel like the relationship that they have isn't something that they desperately need in their life, and if it can be 'more casual,' they're okay with that, and they don't necessarily mind that decisions and things may get switched around last minute on them, because, you know, maybe they're super easy about it.

I know when it comes to, like, plans with my friends, or, you know, if people cancel, I feel relieved. Sometimes I'm like, "Yeah, whatever. That's fine. Let's reschedule." I don't mind, like, I'm super easy about that. But if this is a serious kind of thing where you need this, or you feel like this is a close relationship, and when things get cancelled or switched last minute on you, it really, really emotionally impacts you, then no, it's not a sustainable situation.

Because as much as you may love your partner, as amazing as you may think your partner is, they are still making decisions based off of what their wife or nesting partner is telling them to do, or they are agreeing to the situation, and they are in essence telling you which relationship will get priority with them.
And that may—like I said, maybe quite a harsh way to look at it—but I think sometimes that helps, because I think it's, again, it's quite easy to blame the metamour.

And I'm not saying that the metamour isn't at fault or hasn't done anything wrong. I do also see lots of situations where people freak out, their partners close the relationship, or the other people feel like they can't say no, or because the other person's upset and they don't want to lose their partner. Like, I don't think anyone's necessarily being like an evil dictator in this situation to anybody.

But it's not tenable for you, and it's not acceptable for you, and that's okay too. You can also—you can't control whether or not your partner decides to either argue more for what they want, or step out of a situation that's clearly not serving them—so you can step out of the situation when it's clearly not serving you, and that may be the only thing that you can do in this situation.

Because you can't really control what goes on between them, and it's not even necessarily really your business fully—not to be rude about that—but it's just in general, what happens in other relationships isn't really any of our business as a whole. But if it's going to be impacting your relationship, then you have to decide if it's worth it.

And if it's not worth it for you, then the only kind of thing you have available to you is to take care of yourself and see yourself out of a situation that's not serving you.

So yeah, I hope that helps, and good luck.