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Podcast Transcript

I'm in an ENM relationship but they have gone against boundaries multiple times. How would you recommend to rebuild trust?

Response

I totally forgot to explain in the last episode that I did, that this question and the question in the last episode 159 come from the NGL app that I put out on Instagram. Even though people are free in the NGL app to - I use that because I want people to submit anonymous questions.

The NGL app allows you to have way more characters than like a typical Instagram Q and A box does. But sometimes I get questions like this, which are not bad, but I don't have all of the information here in terms of "gone against boundaries multiple times". I don't necessarily know what that means.

What I will say, though, is that this is another example - and again, not trying to make you feel bad, I'm not trying to say anything - but this is another example of people using the word "boundary" when that's not really what they mean. There's a difference between a rule and a boundary. Specifically, a boundary is about what you will do in response to somebody else's behaviour.

Rules vs. Boundaries

So if someone's gone against your boundaries multiple times, within that boundary should already be what you will do in response to someone else's behaviour, right? A good example of that is: a rule is "you're not allowed to get drunk and come home drunk, because I don't like being around drunk people." That's a rule. A boundary is "if you come home drunk, I will sleep in a different room, or I will not talk to you until you're sober." That is about what you will do in response to somebody else's behaviour.

It's not trying to control somebody else's behaviour, and a boundary is meant to facilitate a relationship. It's meant to help you actually do what you need to do to take care of yourself so that you can actually continue to have a relationship with somebody.

Because if you say to somebody - and maybe this isn't the best example - but if you say to somebody "you're not allowed to get drunk," you're controlling what they do. You may create a situation where they feel like they can't... if you don't allow them, it may create resentment. There are lots of reasons why that doesn't really effectively work, other than you trying to control another grown adult's behaviour.

There are lots of reasons why that may create space between two people. People don't generally like to be controlled or told what to do, so doing that, even if you have the best intentions in your heart, doesn't really help facilitate the connection.

Whereas you can say, "All right, I can't control what you do. If you want to get drunk, you're a grown adult, but I don't want to be around that”. And that's also valid, that's also legit. “So if you come home drunk, I'm going to be sleeping in a different room, or I'm just not going to talk to you while you're drunk, because I don't like that”.

Practical Examples

Another good example of this that people often do is if you have a parent or something that comments on your weight. Maybe they're trying to come from a good place, but getting into an argument about that isn't helpful. Also, them commenting on your weight is making you not want to be around them, and you don't want to put up with that mess.

So instead of saying "don't make any more comments about my weight" or "you're not allowed to make any more comments about my weight" - which you can try to do, and again, you can make requests of this nature, you can ask somebody not to do something, I'm not saying you can't make a request, and sometimes it's easier to make a request first, see how that goes, and then if they don't seem to want to follow that request or adhere to that request, then you can sort of put in a boundary.

But a boundary to that would be to change the subject. You tell yourself the second they mention a comment about your weight, you're not going to comment on it. You're not going to have any reaction. You're just going to immediately change the subject.

Or you're going to immediately say - especially if it's like one of those family dynamics where you're supposed to just grin and smile and nod along with everything - if they mention your weight, you can say "I asked you not to talk to me about that" or "I have asked you to not comment on that. Please don't comment on that," and then change the subject.

So it's again about what you will do in those situations.

When Boundaries Are Crossed

Someone going against your boundaries multiple times - you should have a response to that. If you have a boundary, if you have said to somebody "I don't want this to happen," or if you don't want something to happen, then you need to decide what you're going to do in response to that. And hopefully you have a response to that.

I think it can be quite difficult because I don't necessarily know what the boundaries are, and I don't necessarily know if it's something that is understandable. I'm not saying that you're not being fair, or any of that. But I do think sometimes, especially if people are new to non-monogamy, they put kind of these boundaries down that are somewhat unreasonable.

There are sometimes as well when people kind of allow for non-monogamy, but then they put so many rules and boundaries around the ways in which their partner is allowed to practice non-monogamy that it makes it functionally impossible.

So it's hard to say whether or not these boundaries are reasonable fully. But I do think that if somebody - if there's something that's happening that you don't want happening - you can't really control other grown adults.

The Three C's

What you can do is the three C's. First, you can consent to the situation. You can say "Okay, clearly..." - and again, it's so hard, I don't know what boundary this person has crossed, so I don't know if you've made a request or not - but you can consent to the situation. You can accept the fact that whatever this is that this person has done, they don't intend to do.

That can be something that - as an example, if one thing that people kind of ask, maybe it's sexual health. That is a big thing that is very reasonable. Using - if you make a request saying "please use condoms with other partners" and they have an accident, whatever, things happen, one time, maybe you're just like "all right, but please don't let it happen again," and then it keeps happening.

Again, you can consent to the situation. You can decide that this is the price of admission for dating this person. They don't seem to be very responsible. They seem to, when they're in the heat of the moment, not really think clearly. That's one thing you can do.

The second thing you can do is you can confront the situation. So you can ask them to change. You can point it out. You can say "Hey, so I kind of notice here that you don't seem to be using protection, as I have requested that you use protection, and it's really important, and I would really, really hope that you would do that."

That is something that I definitely think that more people should do, because I do think people kind of consent to stuff, or kind of go along with it, but then build up super resentment. They're not really consenting to the situation, because that's what I mean by consenting.

I don't mean tolerate it and then continuously build up resentment over time. I mean actually consent it accept it as a price of admission and not hold resentment for it. And if you can't do that, then you can't consent to the situation. You're not consenting to it.

Confront them about their behavior, and then maybe you want to make negotiations. Maybe there are lots of situations where, specifically in the sexual health example that I'm giving, maybe you decide to up the protection that you use with that partner.

So if they are struggling to use protection with other people, then you can say "All right, well, we will definitely always use condoms, or we will definitely always be using these types of protections," and up the protection between you both so that you feel more safe. That is also an option in terms of the aspect of confronting.

But confronting the issue is really important, and then you can cut the person out of your life. That's the third C. You can decide that you can't deal with this situation. You don't want to deal with this situation.

You don't want to have to date somebody that is - for whatever reason, it doesn't matter why they are - the why behind it might emotionally matter in the moment, but at the end of the day, they're not willing to change, or they can't change, whichever. And you've decided "All right, I'm done with this situation. I don't want to deal with it anymore."

So that is kind of the situation that you're in.

Rebuilding Trust

If they've gone against boundaries multiple times, how would you recommend to rebuild trust? Depends on what those boundaries are. If they are boundaries, have you actually had a response to that? Have you taken action to protect yourself? Have you taken action to decide "Hey, I'm done with this. I don't want to deal with this anymore"?

Because I think part of the trust that you kind of have to rebuild sometimes - if you have had boundaries, or you've made requests, and then somebody goes against them, and you don't act on that, and you don't do anything, you kind of just let it slide - in a way that's kind of betraying yourself.

And then you kind of have to rebuild trust with yourself, because you are showing to yourself when you have a boundary and you want to enforce it, and you don't really enforce it by taking those steps to do what it is that you want to do, you're kind of showing to yourself that you're not going to take care of yourself.

That makes it even harder in those situations to rebuild trust, because there's no trust with yourself. So you're going to kind of be constantly feeling anxious, because you can't act on your boundary, or you can't enforce your boundary. You're trying to control other things other than yourself.

Personal Experience and Compassion

So it depends on the boundary. It depends on what you mean by "gone against it." It depends on what you've done. Have you requested? Have you made a clear confrontation of the issue? Have you made requests and have you decided to act upon what your boundaries are?

Your boundaries should always have an action that you're doing. They shouldn't be about what somebody else does. It should be about what you're going to do in response to what somebody else does to protect yourself and to continue the connection, because continuing the connection is the most important thing when it comes to boundaries.

But in general, I'd say - I had a situation in a partnership once where it wasn't really anyone's fault. We both kind of weren't on the same page as to what we regarded as “risky sex”, and they ended up doing something that I classed as risky, they didn't class as risky, and that was really hard. But I think having a little bit of compassion for myself and for that person at the time was super helpful.

But I don't know if that's what this situation is about. Sometimes, I think that if somebody's done something that they've intentionally done to try and hurt you, I don't know that you should rebuild trust with them.

Yeah, I think that's sometimes - this is going to be the struggle with these NGL questions, is that they don't necessarily contain all of the full information that a letter usually contains when I answer it. So if you did write this question, I am going to put something out on my Instagram to let people know, and send this response to whomever sent me this question, because it was anonymous. Then I would really, really invite you to give me more details about it so that I can properly answer it and I'll do a follow-up episode. Because, heck, why not?

But yeah, I hope this helps, and good luck.