That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

For some brief context, I am in my early 30s and male-ish (questioning gender stuff right now) and I have a partner of 2 years who we'll call G who is in their late 20s. We met after I had been through a huge number of life shaking changes (left the cult I grew up in, got divorced from the person I married in said cult, moved across country). After these things I specifically thought it would benefit me to spend some time single and then focus on casual dating experiences and relationships because that's something I had never experienced with my strict upbringing.

G and I fell in love and we agreed to be poly(amorous). However, over time, I found myself saying yes more and more to relationship structures that don't feel good to me and I have found myself becoming extremely co-dependent and trying to avoid them being upset at all costs. We went from me being solo poly and seeing them 1-2 times a week to being primary anchor partners that feels like something more "monogamish" and I feel completely burned out and overwhelmed with the amount of reassurance and security G wants at this point.

It's clear we aren't on the same page and I am going to have to talk to G and tell them that I can't continue like this and that if we are to continue seeing each other it will have to be in a diminished capacity. I know I can't force them to be ok with that, so my question is, how do I validate my own needs and stop seeing myself as broken for wanting less enmeshment and commitment than others given my circumstances? At my age it is harder to find people who also want casual flings or hookups and I feel really discouraged and broken that people want more from me than I can give them.

I don't want to sacrifice what I want anymore, which is to have a period to focus on myself and my own sexuality and attraction rather than appease a partner to make them feel secure. But probably because of the shame I carry I can't seem to see that as valid or worth doing. I also have a lot of shame from growing up and being told that my sexuality and desire are things that only harm others when I use them because I was male.

How can I feel secure in the things that I want if it feels unrealistic for my age or where my peers are? How do I not feel less than for feeling like being someone's primary partner right now is too much for me?

Response

Okay, there’s a lot going on here. Firstly, I don’t know if the cult that you grew up in was religious, it kind of feels like it probably was, because most of those things kind of are, but there’s a great charity called Recovering From Religion that is really, really good if your cult was religious in nature. I would definitely recommend checking them out, because they have a lot of resources, especially if you have a lot of sexual shame from religion and all that sort of stuff. I think they have a really good support network, they have a secular therapist list. I haven’t really gotten super involved with them because I was on a totally different track with regard to this in my life, but I’ve heard a lot of good things from them, so I definitely recommend them first.

Then I would also recommend Hailey Magee, who is one of my favourite people in the whole world, and has this book called “Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power.” Just follow Hailey Magee on Instagram, I can’t recommend her enough, there are so many things she puts out. Hailey Magee doesn’t make non-monogamy content, but she is familiar, I think she is non-monogamous, but she’s at least very familiar with the community and has a lot of really great stuff to offer. So I definitely recommend her resources on that.

You’re not alone in not wanting an anchor partner

And then I just want to say, personally, I’m in my late 30s, and although I don’t have the same type of gender issues, I understand. I went through not an exactly similar journey, but I’m in that space as well, where I don’t want an anchor partner, I don’t want cohabitation, I don’t want children, I don’t want all of this sort of stuff that a lot of people my age are either doing or looking to do, and I am not interested in it. That can be really lonely.

I would definitely check out the solo movement as well. I would definitely look up “Solo” by Peter McGraw, and the solo movement in general. That is really, really validating, really, really helpful. It’s kind of been something that I’ve been interested in as well, and there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong at all with it.

It’s not about fault

I think you do have to have that talk with G, and I think, how I would approach this, it’s really difficult, because I’ve been in lots of situations myself where it’s kind of more my fault than it is yours, in situations where I’ve prompted the kind of enmeshment thing that I ended up not really wanting as much as I thought I wanted. So it’s a little bit different for me, but there have been many situations where it’s like, well, I went along with this, and I don’t want to say it’s my fault, I don’t think fault is really helpful or applicable in all situations, but definitely, the situation could have been avoided if I had been a little bit more honest with myself about what I wanted.

So it’s not about fault, but it’s just, look, you kind of went along with the situation, and you also don’t have cultural scripts for this, especially in your situation. You have been through a lot, and you’re going through a lot, and you’re dealing with a lot. So of course, you’re a human being, and human beings need social connection, we need social interaction, and we’re not inclined to push away a connection that we have. That’s a really hard thing to do, especially when, I’m assuming, stepping out of this cult situation, if you grew up in that cult and then moved across the country, you’ve lost every single connection that you’ve had. That’s really hard. I’d also check out Britt Hartley as well, especially if this cult was religious, because she also has a lot of really great things to say.

Give yourself a break

But man, this is a lot to go through, so give yourself a little bit of a break here. Yeah, of course you found this really awesome connection, and you said yes to things that didn’t feel great, but you’ve kind of been raised to do that your whole fucking life, mate. That’s rough, that’s a lot, and you’re doing your best. It just takes time. You’re not broken for wanting less enmeshment and commitment. You need that. Who knows what will happen later on, maybe down the line you will want an anchor partner, but for right now, you want to have your own life, and you want to exercise a little bit of your own autonomy.

I think looking up the solo movement and Peter McGraw will hugely help you out with understanding that you are definitely not the only person who is interested in this. It doesn’t make you predatory, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you a player or someone who is hurting people. I think it’s going to take some practice in terms of being really honest with people, like, “Look, I’m not interested in this.” And you know what, some people might do the same thing, they might agree to the situation with you and that’s not what they really want, but there’s only so much you can control over that, and it’s going to take a little bit of baby steps for you to feel confident about this.

You should be proud of how far you’ve come

But man, you should be really proud of yourself for how far you’ve come. There are people who never leave their cults, there are people who never leave situations like this. There are so many documentaries as well on Netflix, I can’t attest for how helpful it would actually be to you, but there are so many documentaries about cult situations where people have left, and it’s a hard thing, it’s really difficult. So please give yourself a little bit of credit for how far you’ve come, this is amazing, actually, and it’s going to take a while.

Definitely seek out a therapist, especially from Recovering From Religion. I don’t hope that your cult was a religious one, but I think that would be helpful for you even if your cult wasn’t explicitly religious, because cults operate in very similar ways. It might be really helpful for you to look up books about people who have been through cult experiences. There probably are groups for people who have survived cults and are coming out the other end, dealing with all of the stuff that was involved in that. You’re definitely not alone there.

You’re allowed to not want an anchor relationship

For what it’s worth, even though we haven’t gone through the same thing, I feel the exact same way. I’ve been in long-term anchor relationships that I initiated, that I wanted, I thought that I wanted that for a very long time. I actually thought that I wanted kitchen table polyamory, before it was even called that. I thought I wanted six children, I thought I wanted all of this, and I don’t, and I’m very grateful for the fact that I never ended up in that situation. Thankfully.

But you’re not, I really don’t know how I feel about the word “casual,” I don’t really like that word. I kind of feel like, and I’m not saying this is you saying this, but I feel like the assumption inherent in the word “casual” or “hookups” or “flings” is the idea that a relationship has to be enmeshed, or not even enmeshed, but that I have to live with someone in order for the relationship with them to matter. And I don’t agree with that, or that I have to see them all the time for our relationship to matter. Things can be “casual” and still meaningful. That’s not the sign, this primary-anchor stuff isn’t the be-all and end-all of meaning and commitment. In my opinion, that’s just how I feel. But you’re not broken, for what it’s worth me saying that. You’re not broken, this is a very valid thing.

Recap

So, to recap: Hailey Magee, “Stop People Pleasing,” very good book. Peter McGraw, the solo movement. Recovering From Religion is also really good. Britt Hartley also has a lot to say about post-religious deconstruction, if that’s applicable to your situation, and about dealing with losing a whole community, which is huge and really difficult to recover from. I think you would find some solace in all of those resources.

I unfortunately haven’t been through a cult myself, but check out Genevieve from Chill Polyamory, I think Genevieve has gone through some similar things and might have some really specific, good resources about surviving cult dynamics. I believe, if I’m not mistaken, sorry Genevieve if I’m completely wrong, but I think Genevieve will have some good resources about that.

And honestly, you’re absolutely not alone. It’s going to take a while for you to feel secure. You’re not less than, and it doesn’t even have to be that being someone’s primary partner is too much for you, maybe it’s just not what you want, and that’s fine, that’s totally understandable. Give yourself a little bit of grace, give yourself some credit for what you’ve been through and how you survived.

There are people who are still stuck in cults like these, so please give yourself some grace here, and thank yourself for being there for yourself, for helping yourself realise, even now, that this situation isn’t what you want. You have been there for you. So pat yourself on the back and be kind to yourself, because you’ve done a hell of a lot, this is amazing, congratulations to you for coming this far and doing the thing. Go you, ten for you and none for the cult, bye!

Be happy, yeah, this is my advice, this is the advice people subscribe for, just be happy, damn it. Awesome. Anyway, okay, you got my point. But yeah, be proud of yourself for coming this far.

I hope that helps, and good luck.