Feeling Aversion Instead of Compersion

I'm writing because I'm experiencing what I'm not-so-lovingly calling "aversion instead of compersion". My wife and I have been ENM our whole relationship, we started dating in a quad with our exes. After that ended in a fiery blaze, we decided to move in together and have operated more in a monogam-ish fashion since then.

A couple months ago she started dating someone and it quickly became clear this was not just a small hookup or passing infatuation, this partner was here whether I was ready or not. In our quad, I don't think I struggled with negative feelings about my partners being intimate with eachother (physically or emotionally) because there was always another partner to fill that gap. With my wife having a new partner, I'm experiencing new feelings of visceral aversion to her when she shares things about this partner, or when she answers questions that I am asking about them.

She'll try to comfort and reassure me when she can tell I'm thrown off by new information and it makes me want to physically push her away - I liken it to a lizard brain/toddler tantrum response that I don't feel I can control. I know I've been in a place before where I could embrace my partner having other partners and having different sexual experiences, but for some reason my monogamous conditioning is taking a hard right and derailing my ability to feel compersion for her.

Will this feeling ever go away? I rationally know everything is fine and I do like her partner, but why is my brain so panicked that each new element of their relationship means ours is one step closer to the end? How can I train my brain to respond with "oh that's lovely" or "that's really hot" instead of "you're cheating on me and that's all there is to it"? 

First off, I want to encourage you to think more about using phrases like "monogamous conditioning" to describe emotions. While absolutely living in a mono-centric society, you will be left with a lot of assumptions. It's easy to make some assumptions because of that, feeling aversion about hearing details about your partner with others is not "monogamous conditioning".

The risk here is mislabelling it as that is that you're creating a situation where having pretty typical, understandable feelings becomes something you need to purge from yourself. Especially if you have not had any issues with your partner dating others and have heard details before.

Secondly, you specifically mentioned the key difference between this partner and your previous situation – there was another partner to "fill that gap". Now not only do you not have that gap, but it doesn't seem like you've had discussions about how polyamory is going to work between the two of you.

You defaulted from a quad back into a "monogam-ish" situation seemingly without really talking about your polyamory ideal and the way other partners integrate into your life. As a quad, you probably didn't have this conversation either – which might have contributed to the fiery blaze – but there might have been an inherent balance struck there between partners that is now not what you're dealing with.

Two people being polyamorous does not mean they are compatible. You can both be polyamorous but you could want parallel polyamory while your partner may be aiming for a more kitchen table style polyamory. Both of you having a sit down together and discussing how much time you want to spend with each other, with other partners and on your own.

You can rationally tell your brain everything is fine, but the reality is that your brain is seeing you in this monogam-ish setup where there are cultural scripts and common understandings of how much time you both would spend with each other and now she has another partner and likely are getting less of her time – so it makes perfect sense your brain would panic about this. You're losing something here.

This isn't "monogamous conditioning". This is logical reasoning. You've not defined together how much time you and your partner will spend together so there's no telling how much you will lose. You apply the cultural script of monogamy and the result is that your brain is making the logical leap that you are slowly losing this partner to someone who will get more and more of her time.

So, of course you have an aversion to hearing about this. Without having any definition of progression or meaning, your brain is going to latch on to what it knows and if the only other polyamorous experience you've had is one where you've had another partner to balance it, then it will jump back to monogamy.

I'm betting your feeling of aversion and fear may not completely go away right away, but you could definitely ground yourself a little bit more by having these discussions with your partner and figuring out where you stand together.

My 101 and 102 articles could help ground you a little bit as well. I wouldn't worry too much about this but it's a good reason to pay attention to your feelings and not just dismiss them as monogamous conditioning.

I hope this helps and good luck!