Forbidding an Ex

Hello! I have been poly in the back of my mind since I was a teenager but only in monogamous relationships. I recently fell totally in love with someone who is also poly, hes an amateur too but sees other people casually. We had stopped talking last year because he was worried about the relationship escalator + still had feelings for his ex + we liked each other toooo much for the casual thing we were supposed to be doing. Anyway, we are talking again and agreed that being poly (open? We haven't talked enough about that) is great, and he said he had asked his ex out.

His ex declined. I had decided months ago that practicing polyamory was fine as long as it wasn't with his ex. This feels.......mean and oppressive but I do still have feelings of abandonment (put very simple with no nuance) from when we stopped talking. Our relationship feels permanent and stable outside of this. I don't want to go back on what I had told myself months ago but I don't want him to lose someone he cares about. He agrees that I shouldn't go back on my word. I worry that it's not fair.

To be bluntly honest with you, it isn't fair for you to determine who your partner is allowed to date or not. Polyamory is an agreement where everyone involved is allowed to pursue their own romantic and sexual autonomy in forming multiple relationships. And while you are free to make whatever agreements you'd like together, unilaterally deciding who your partner can and can't date, even if you feel you have a strong reason for it, is not in the spirit of polyamory.

However, it doesn't seem like your partner understands or knows very clearly what he wants and doesn't trust himself. So there are two main problems here. Many people seem to define "casual" as a lack of intense feelings, but this isn't necessarily the case. Intense feelings don't have to mean a relationship is any less "casual", nor do they have to mean that a relationship is "escalating".

It's unclear also as to why having feelings for his ex has anything to do with what's going on between the two of you. I understand that you both may have gotten surprised and spooked by the intensity of the feelings between you, but the lack of clarity here is not really helping any of you. You say your relationship feels "permanent" and "stable" while at the same time not knowing how to define your relationship (whether it's "polyam" or "open") and blaming this on the ex when really the ex isn't the problem.

What you both need to do is consider what your ideal polyamorous situation is and figure out if you're actually compatible. Just as two people being monogamous does not mean they are compatible, both of you wanting to try polyamory doesn't make you compatible.

Ask yourself if polyamory is really something you want to do or if it's something you're doing to try and make a relationship with this person work. The fact that you described your relationship as "permanent" and "stable" along with a fear of abandonment is also a little bit worrying. Relationships that children have with caregivers should be stable and as permanent as possible, but adult relationships can be somewhat inherently unstable.

I see a lot of people in both polyamory and monogamy seek out a partner who can provide them with something they lacked in childhood: a stable source of love. While I do think one can expect and want someone who is willing to make a commitment to them and honour that commitment, I think that expecting unconditional love that usually comes from a parent from another grown adult as a grown adult is fraught with so many issues.

Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships and change is an inevitable part of life. To chase permanence is something that I wouldn't advise anyone – monogamous or polyamorous – to do. People who tend to change permanence tend to end up staying in relationships and situations that don't serve them purely to avoid ending the relationship.

So ask yourself if this is something you genuinely want for yourself, if you would pursue polyamory outside of this relationship if it didn't work out. Figure out what style of polyamory you're interested in practicing (I cover a lot in my Polyamory FAQ if you need a refresher) and try and identify those needs outside of a desire to keep this relationship "permanent".

Identify how much time you have for this relationship and how much time you want to spend with other partners and with yourself. Then, with your partner, figure out where your compatibility lies. Because it does sound a little bit like you have an interest in being on the "relationship escalator" while your partner may not.

Once you have agreed with each other on how much time you want to spend with each other and with other partners, practice that immediately instead of waiting to find another partner to divide your schedule. Spend time together as you would ideally spend if you had other partners. I would also not try to constrict what he does outside of your time together.

So long as you have your time together, that is what matters. Of course, you can renegotiate time later on if that is what you want to do. But otherwise, if you have this time established with your partner, that can give you the grounding you're searching for in trying to control who he dates.

He also needs to have his own exploration of what he wants and meet you there as well. His own lack of clarity on what he wants is only adding to the insecurity of a situation that would already be nerve wracking for anybody trying polyamory.

I hope this helps and good luck!