Hierarchy vs Life Partner

My partner and I have been dating for almost two years and have been living together for ~1.5 years. When we started dating, both of us had other long-distance partners. I broke up with my other partner after several months of being in a relationship with my current partner, and since then, he has been my only partner, while he has two other partners in his home country.

I have two jobs, and currently don’t have much time and energy, and I think our relationship works well also because we live together, and it is easier to maintain it with my limited capacity.

Due to circumstances, he can’t stay here anymore and has to go back to his home country in several weeks without any plans to move back. It is extremely hard for me to process it, because I am the kind of person who has a need to see my partners in person with certain regularity to be able to maintain romantic feelings.

LDR for me is really hard, especially without any certain plans of seeing each other, and we are gonna live on different continents, more than 10 hours away by plane. And we don’t have an option to live in one country in the next 4-5 years at least, because of different life circumstances. My partner would love to live in one country with me, but it’s not smth necessarily for him to maintain a romantic relationship.

I realised that I want to have an anchor partner to be able to make major life decisions together, like buying a house, moving countries together, etc, to have more stability and predictability (although I accept the unpredictability of life in general and don’t have any illusions that we will be together “till death do us part"), and I simply enjoy the idea of having a life companion. Basically, I really want to have a life partner, and my current partner can’t give me that, cause in his opinion, being someone’s life partner means being hierarchical (although I don’t agree), and he will never let it happen.

Living together and being able to make major life decisions with someone is my relationship need that doesn’t have to (and actually can’t) be met in all my romantic relationships, but this need is really important for me, and it can’t be met in my current relationship.

I am thinking of keeping the “vacant spot” and trying to find another partner who would want the same while keeping my current relationship that I deeply value, but at the same time, I am afraid that since he is currently my only partner, I will (and it already happens every now and then) unconsciously project my unmet needs on him and expect things that he will never give me, while suffering from LDR where it’s not even that important for my partner to live in one country with me at some point. Also, my partner is not comfortable with me craving a life partner because he is afraid to be treated hierarchically once I find that partner.

I really love my partner a lot, and I don’t wanna break up with him just because he can’t be my life partner. But at the same time, maybe my need of having a life partner and his denial of any form of life partnership is a fundamental incompatibility, and our relationship simply doesn’t mean to last?

I would truly love to find a decent motivation for this new setup with LDR without intentions to live in one place at some point, but so far, my only motivation is my partner himself and my love for him. I’m feeling frustrated and lost.

There is so much debate going on right now in the polyamory space about "hierarchy" and a lot of times I feel like people use the word "hierarchy" to mean different things and end up talking past one another. This is a classic example of that.

To me, a hierarchy involves prioritising one relationship over others. This is not inherently unethical. When we have children, hierarchy should in my opinion be introduced. Children need their caregivers and they cannot walk away from relationships that do not serve them. So if you have a child or have taken responsibility for taking care of a child, that child should be your most prioritised relationship in your life. That's extremely ethical.

When it comes to romantic relationships, you can decide that you will prioritise one romantic relationship over the other and this can be done in lots of different ways. I believe that even someone who does not live with anyone, marry anyone, have children or buy property with anyone could practice hierarchical polyamory and prioritise one relationship over the others in terms of how you choose to devote your time. For me, this is an intentional and consistent choice.

Whereas, someone who is not hierarchical may, for example, give a partner, friend or someone else in their lives more time during a major life change, sickness, or something like that. That isn't a hierarchy. And there will be times, even if you are practicing with the intention of not being hierarchical, that you will shift your focus and attention depending on life circumstances and situations.

Hierarchy is an intentional prioritisation. I don't necessarily think it's inherently bad either. I think that where people get hurt is where people are actually prioritising relationships in their life and either they're oblivious to it themselves or they want to seem egalitarian so they are not honest about it.

People get confused because it's actually quite weird for human beings, monogamous or polyamorous, to actively think "I love this person more than I love that person." Even while romantic relationships are considered "more important" in our society than friendships, we don't tend to actively think that we care more about romantic partners than friends, even if we're monogamous.

We might say that we feel differently for romantic partners than friends, but unless you're put into a situation where you're forced to choose, which is traumatic, no one is forcing you to measure the depth of love between relationships. So when people hear "hierarchy", they often think of it as loving one partner more than another. And of course, that seems horrible and awful. Who would do that?

So people will often say they are "non-hierarchical" because they don't actively choose to love one person more than another, but they have chosen, either through life circumstances or without really thinking about it, to prioritise one relationship over another. Sometimes they do this because they're following monogamous-centric scripts without thinking about it. The end result is often that someone feels less loved than another partner, and that's where the hatred of "hierarchy" comes from.

Someone who lives with you, buys a house with you, and makes major life decisions with you, in essence, will be prioritised. Not because you have decided that they mean more to you or that you love them more. But because you can only make these decisions, from the way you have described how you want to live, with one person.

They will have access to a part of your life that someone else will not have access to. It's important for you to recognise that even if you care for partners equally, this will mean that one person is prioritised over others in some way. This isn't something temporary or a circumstance which is out of your control like providing more support temporarily to a partner who is, for example, mourning the loss of a family member. This is an intentional thing that you want.

That isn't bad, but your partner may not want to date anyone who has this kind of relationship with anyone. I can understand the motivation behind that, but I would encourage your partner to understand that it is uncommon for relationships to be completely equal. Even in monogamy, both partners aren't always 50/50 with their support throughout the entire relationship.

Our needs shift and change throughout life. Even if your partner desires to have non-hierarchical relationships with no formal structure, this does not mean that there won't be times where their partners may have to focus on others and their time won't be split equally. You can practice egalitarian polyamory without everything being equal all of the time.

I don't think that just because you want a situation where you live with one partner and make these decisions with one partner means that you will care more about that one partner. It also doesn't have to mean that the partner you live with and make these decisions with will get the lion's share of your time.

I would focus a little less on these labels and decide how much time you would like with this one partner and how much time you will spend with others. Right now, your partner is assuming that by living with someone, they will get a large share of your time, but you haven't necessarily said that. A partner who lives with you will absolutely have easier access to you, but time spent in the same house is not necessarily quality time.

Discuss with them how you'd like things to be set up and how much time you would theoretically have for them if they lived closer to you and see if that is suitable for them. It may not be, but it's worth discussing this rather than assumptions based upon labels.

When it comes to the long distance issue, that's going to be a little bit more challenging. I would be honest with your partner about the fact that long term long distance may be difficult for you to maintain. You may want to talk about ways you can keep a continuous connection. I have done other episodes on long distance relationships.

It's a difficult place to be and it requires work on both sides, but I think that there are lots of ways if given active effort that these connections can be maintained. For some people, it will never properly work, but I would personally at least try the situation first before throwing in the towel. Especially if you both can come to an understanding of whether or not the structure you want to have in your relationships fits your partner's wants as well.

To sum up, if you do want to have a partner that you live with, to an extent, they will be prioritised because you will be doing things with them that you don't want to do with other people. That isn't bad, it's just the reality of the situation that's important to acknowledge.

Instead of relying on "hierarchical" and "non-hierarchical" labels, communicate with your partner about how you actually want to structure your life and if the time you're able to give them works for them or not. Then you can both work on a plan for how you'd like to try and maintain your relationship over this difficult period. Even if this is something that you think might be difficult for you, I think it is worth giving it a try.

I hope this helps and good luck!