Managing Long Distance Polyamory

A bit of context: I come from a very traditional Christian background and got married when I was just 19—very young. Fast forward, my relationship with my wife ended when we both deconstructed our views on religion and relationships. I had always felt that polyamory was the path I wanted to take in life.

For the past 11 months, I have been in a long-distance relationship with my partner, who lives in London while I am in Scotland. I visit her twice a month, staying for 2–3 nights each time. When we first started our relationship, she mentioned that she was looking for a primary partner but didn’t see me as one.

I was able to negotiate that we shouldn’t put a label on our relationship but instead create something custom. We used a relationship menu to define our dynamic, agreeing on daily check-ins, weekly video calls, and at least one holiday abroad per year.

This structure worked well until recently, when she started dating other people. It triggered deep insecurities, anxiety, and jealousy in me, shaking me to my core. I'm currently working with a therapist to address a lot of childhood and other personal trauma.

I recognize that I have a codependent attachment style and have been actively working toward a more secure attachment. My partner, on the other hand, has been practicing polyamory since 2015. She is much more secure, encourages me to explore other relationships, and doesn’t seem to experience jealousy or anxiety in the same way.

I have expressed several times that I would like to live with her at least 50% of the time when I’m in London. However, since I have two kids and still cohabit with my ex for co-parenting reasons, I cannot relocate to London full-time. My ex and I are in a good place, and we have agreed to continue living in the same house for the next few years to provide stability for our children.

Recently, my partner and I had a huge fallout, almost ending the relationship.

During a three-hour conversation, I clearly articulated my needs:

Daily check-ins

Weekly video calls

At least two in-person visits per month (2–3 nights together)

One holiday together per year

She was open to this but with a lot of caveats. One major point was that if either of us meets someone significant, we would need to revisit our arrangement and reassess how it fits into our lives. She explained that if she develops a deep connection with someone else, she may not have the emotional capacity to maintain multiple relationships at the same level of intensity.

She also shared that she feels I am more invested in this relationship than she is—whether through my actions, gifts, or level of care—and that this imbalance concerns her. I got the sense that she was trying to be upfront about her emotional limitations, not wanting to overcommit or give me false hope about what our relationship could become.

She acknowledged that our communication has deepened and that we are now in touch daily, but she was also clear that if she meets someone else, this dynamic may shift. At times, the conversation felt like a job interview—she was asking many questions, almost as if she was trying to assess whether I was truly comfortable with this arrangement, knowing that it would not evolve beyond its current state.

A particularly unsettling moment happened during this conversation—I noticed her touching her computer, and I had a gut feeling that she was about to record our discussion. Later, I asked her about it, and she admitted that she was trying to record it without my consent.

She apologized and gave several explanations, but the incident left a bad taste in my mouth. I told her how hurtful it felt and made it clear that I do not want her to ever do that again without my consent. She agreed, but the situation still lingers in my mind.

In the end, we both agreed to continue the relationship but questioned why we wanted to. Were we afraid of being alone? Were we just filling a gap until we met someone else?

We both reaffirmed that we love each other, enjoy each other’s company, and are capable of being alone. However, we also acknowledged that this relationship will change if either of us forms a deeper connection with someone else.

Key Takeaways from the Conversation:

Clarity – This relationship will never be more than what it is now. I should not overextend myself or put all my hopes into it. If either of us meets someone significant, this dynamic will change, and the relationship could even end.

A Choice – I now have two clear paths:

Choice 1: Continue the relationship as it is.

Pros: I get to enjoy companionship, intimacy, sex, and shared experiences.

Cons: There will always be uncertainty. Every time she goes on a date, I might wonder if this new person will be the one who changes everything or even ends what we have. That said, she did mention that even if she meets someone, she would still want to continue our relationship.

Choice 2: End the relationship.

Pros: I would no longer have to live with uncertainty or worry about the future of this connection. I would have more energy for myself, more space, and the freedom to focus on my own growth.

Cons: I would lose companionship, intimacy, and the emotional connection I currently cherish. There would be moments of loneliness and missing what we had.

I am now sitting with this decision, anxiety, reflecting on what I truly want and what is healthiest for me.

I appreciate your insight.

Firstly, I want to say that I understand that you're going through a lot right now and it can be very difficult coming from such a strict background and not really figuring out what it is that you want until later.

I do feel like you're both kind of tiptoeing around the issue and doing the thing that I think that a lot of people end up doing when they start off in polyamory. I always really discourage people from, if they begin as a monogamous couple, continuing to spend the same amount of time with each other as they do in a monogamous relationship.

A good deal of people struggle with polyamory not necessarily because of the issue of their partners dating others but because they don't want to get less time with a partner than they would usually get in a monogamous situation. Ideally, your partner should be more assertive in her needs. She may be okay with responding to your requests now, but clearly it's not sustainable. And especially given it seems like you're very much needing these things, if I were in your partner's position, I would not feel comfortable continuing to meet these needs if I knew it would not be sustainable in the future.

Another thing I feel is a little bit difficult about what's going on here is that, while I am not saying your needs are a bad thing or necessarily unsustainable and while I was not in the room when you communicated them so I'm not quite sure how you phrased it, I do feel like some of these might feel too restraining for a lot of polyamorous people.

It doesn't really feel like this is a mutual relationship agreement or a negotiation. It feels like you're dictating what this other person has to do and even if I personally felt like I could meet these needs, I wouldn't feel great about a relationship where someone was basically dictating to me the way our communication should go. What happens if she doesn't check in with you or you don't check in with her? It just feels a little bit restrictive.

It's possible she wanted to record what was going on because she's torn between her desire to stay in this relationship and also recognising that the demands of what you're asking may feel too restrictive. I don't know if she is neurodivergent but I know that I personally struggle with having a good memory.

I could see myself wanting to record a conversation out of nervousness of whether or not what I was being asked was normal or being worried about forgetting one of these things that I am being asked to do. I think that it's a shame you didn't discuss further why she wanted to record the session and what was behind that. Maybe it wouldn't linger in your mind so much if you explore a bit more about why she felt like she needed to do that. There was a need behind that that should be explored.

You do have a third option which you haven't considered, is that you could actually work with your partner on what she would like to provide. Ask her to treat you now as she would if she had another partner and see if you're okay with that level of communication. If the communication that you've outlined is your absolute minimum, then you're ultimately not compatible and I wouldn't advise dragging your relationship out any longer just because you don't want to deal with the pain now.

Polyamory is not about finding multiple semi-sustaining relationships until you reach a level of permissible stasis. A lot of polyamorous people don't break up when they should just because they don't have to. But it's clear that all of the needs outlined are not going to be things she can do in the future. If that is your minimum, then it's not a good idea to spend more time investing in something that is going to eventually hurt.

I'd also explore on your own what your polyamory ideal is, a concept I cover in The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy, and figure out how much time you want to spend with how many partners so that you have a good idea of how people are going to fit into your ideal life and what needs are and aren't negotiable.

I also have a 101 and 102 article that might help you out a lot with sorting out some of your emotions as well. It's great that you have some of an idea of what your needs are, but just make sure that you're flexible. No one is going to fit into your ideal 100% of the time and that may not make them a bad match.

Ultimately, it comes down to how strict you are about your needs. It might be good for you to understand as well that she is definitely looking for a primary partner and that isn't something she is going to have with you. It might be worth exploring what her ideal relationship looks like. How much time will she spend with her primary partner and how much time will you get?

Is that enough time for you? It feels like the things you want, especially daily check ins, may not be possible for her realistically especially if she has plans to have children or anything else. It seems like you may actually want someone who functions as a primary connection in your life and she isn't going to be able to give you that. So figure out if it's doable to actually be more flexible on your needs and see how that works for you.

If your needs as you've outlined are not flexible then I would reconsider whether it's worth investing time in something that is going to be painful down the line to adjust to. If I were your partner, I would probably have not continued the relationship knowing I could not meet your needs properly. In general, if you have to ask why you stay together at all and you have no strong compelling reason other than the fear of being alone, that may also be something to consider.

I hope this helps and good luck!