Partner Doesn't Want to Know

I’m going to be having a conversation with my partner tonight about me having more of an open dynamic in communication with my dates and going out with people. They have previously stated they “don’t want to know & don’t want to meet them”. I have respected that but it feels like I’m not being as forthcoming as I’d like to be. They are monogamous and I’m poly(am).

I just did your disclosure exercise in the workbook and it really helped me understand that I want to be disclosing things with them.

Do you think I should just keep it as is? Or really open up to them about how I’m feeling? Being vulnerable is very hard for me and my brain will like to think of the worst possible thing imaginable could happen, so I fear a lot. 

Many people who are polyamorous have no desire to meet their metamours and that is totally valid. There are also monogamous people who can and do have constructive and wonderful relationships with polyamorous people where they get what they need. I totally believe that it is possible for a monogamous person to date a polyamorous person without that being an issue.

What I don't believe is actually possible is for a monogamous person *who wants to pretend their partners are also monogamous* to date a polyamorous person. It's fine if your partner does not want to meet your other partners. What's not fine is to pretend they don't exist or to expect you, without you explicitly agreeing to such a thing, to participate in what is essentially a delusion.

If two people agree on a Don't Ask, Don't Tell situation, that is one thing. A lot of people would consider that unethical but personally I think that so long as all of the consenting adults in the situation are fully aware of the situation (including the people dating the person who is not doing the telling) it's up to them.

For many people, the polyamory they wish to practice is parallel, where they keep their relationships more or less separate. Nothing is hidden. And if metamours end up meeting each other, that's fine. But it is not the goal of the people involved. Whereas, kitchen table polyamory seeks to have more interactions between metamours or potentially even a co-op living situation. Metamours aren't required to get along or meet each other, but that is the goal of the people involved.

While I think there is a kind of leeway space potentially in a mono-polyamorous set-up for a monogamous person, especially in the beginnings of a relationship opening up, to perhaps know less or only know in so much as they may need to be aware of the sexual health risks involved, ultimately, I do think it is intensely problematic for a monogamous person to essentially request that a partner they have whom they know are dating other people to essentially pretend to be monogamous.

At that point, they really should just consider if this is what they actually want. It seems like you want a relationship where you can give more disclosure than what your partner is willing to deal with. You can absolutely request more disclosure, but I don't see a reason why they would suddenly change on this.

I would really encourage you to rethink what the "worst possible thing imaginable" is. It sounds like you're scared to break up. It makes sense. I get it. It would hurt. It would be difficult. But consider the fact that a polyamorous person who wants a relationship where they can disclose more deciding to stay in a relationship where they can't may be what they call a death by a thousand cuts.

Is it not the worst thing imaginable to actually stay with someone you are not compatible with and essentially have to pretend to be someone else than it would be for both of you to find a relationship that actually matches what you want.

Now, I'm not saying throw in the towel. Depending on how long ago you talked about it, it may be worth bringing up again. Maybe your partner felt too unstable and scared in the beginning to know this information and, now that they see you have gone out on dates and it hasn't been the end of the world, they may feel more comfortable.

Ask again and see if your ideal situation matches up. See if they would be willing to work  towards it. However, I would make it clear what it is that you actually want.

I hope this helps and good luck!