Partner Wants Kink Play But Hides From Polyamory

My partner (mono) and myself (polyam) are going to a play/kink party soon, for the first time. We didn't give it much thought but we've both been wanting to go to something like this for awhile now. But they expressed they want to touch (with consent) other people. Fully I am down but they just assumed I would be okay with it... which makes me feel weird.

Anyways, I also want to consensually play with others but they have told me in the past that they don't want to see, meet, or engage with people I am with. So, I feel like there is a double standard here.. How do I bring this up? I have some questions written down to share with them- but it doesn't feel like enough. Any advice on questions I could ask them?

I am autistic and I always feel like I am the one bringing up hard topics and then still not getting to a spot where I want to be. 

Thanks for your help, looking forward to seeing what you have to say!

Mono/poly relationships can work, but not if the monogamous person in the relationship is wanting to pretend that their polyamorous partner is monogamous to them. It's fine if your partner doesn't have an interest in engaging with their metamours. Some polyamorous people practice parallel polyamory and don't wish to have much interaction with metamours.

Where I think this becomes untenable is when someone essentially wants to pretend like their partner is monogamous to them and can't stand any mention whatsoever of other partners to the point where it feels like you have to hide things. If you have agreed to something like this in the past but don't actually believe this is something you want to do, then you have to be more honest about it. I think it is okay to agree to something like this temporarily, with a clear end date, but if this is not how you want your relationship structured, be wary of agreeing to things you don't want to essentially keep a peace that isn't actually peaceful.

When it comes to going to shared kink events together, I think you need to have a little bit more honesty with each other about non-monogamy. Is your partner actually wanting to be monogamous? If they want to touch other people and have sexual interactions with other people, then they are not wanting traditional monogamy and you really need to discuss this clearly.

Why have they chosen monogamy? What are both of your ideals? Where do you see things going? The second your monogamous partner is asking about doing things which are non-monogamous, it should spark an instant discussion about the entire structure of your relationship. I feel like from what I see here, you're going along with things to avoid a breakup. You don't feel like it's enough to bring up despite the fact that it's a foundational change in how your relationship is formed. It might be worth speaking to a therapist about your willingness to go along with these things, even when it is not what you want.

Outside of this, even if you were both polyamorous, I think it's important to acknowledge that even if you both are interested in polyamory, it is still sometimes awkward, weird and sometimes emotional to see your partner be intimate with others.

For me personally, I was so anxious about the potential that I might feel jealous, when I saw my partner being intimate with others, the anticipation of the anxiety was often worse than any jealousy I might feel. We have social scripts for this type of thing except ones that tell us to be filled with rage and sadness if we truly care about our partners. When we're working with that type of social environment, it makes perfect sense to have all sorts of emotions. Some people enjoy it, but other people do not.

You can choose to deal with this in different ways. Some polyamorous couples don't go to events with each other where they might end up playing with others. I have had agreements with partners where we might go to the same event but we have no expectation that we will be "together" and the event and both of us are free to do our own thing.

However, I have had partners who feel like even if I attend an event on my own where they are, they might feel the emotional weight of feeling like they have to take care of me and that stresses them out, so we don't go to many events together or we discuss and compromise which events we go to together and which events we don't go to together.

The issue here though goes beyond just awkwardness of seeing a partner be intimate with another and the whole structure of your relationship and how you define it.

While I wouldn't necessarily describe it as a "double standard" if you outright agreed to a monogamous/polyamorous relationship where you have agreed to hide your connections from your partner – it is a contradiction in terms. If you agreed to hide your polyamory from your monogamous partner on the basis that they are remaining monogamous to you and they no longer wish to do that, then it throws into question why there is a need to hide anything anymore, which needs to be clarified.

I want to make it clear – any issue where you feel uncomfortable or confused about your relationship is "enough" to bring up to a partner, even if just to have clarity. You do not have to wait until things become terrible to address anything and in fact, that often can mean that problems sit and stew in resentment instead of being addressed or solved.

It's really important that you are able to bring up things, even if you feel like you are "always the one" to do so. Your relationships should be such that you can bring up when you feel a little weird and be welcomed by someone who is willing to listen to your feelings. Even if they are "silly". Even if they are "illogical" and even if they are "unfounded". I would argue that most feelings have a logical basis, even if it doesn't appear that way.

So firstly, to summarise, have a proper discussion about what your mono/poly relationship means. What are both of your ideals? Does your partner actually want to slowly transition into monogamy? How much are you allowed to talk about other partners? And are you happy with those agreements? Can you advocate more effectively for what you want and come to a real compromise?

Then discuss kink events together. Do you actually want to go together? Can you talk about how you might deal with the feelings of seeing each other be intimate with other people? What sort of expectations might you have for each other at these events? Might it be best to go to events separately?

Getting a better understanding first of what expectations you both have will make dealing with the complications of going to shared kink events easier.

I hope this helps and good luck!