Partner With Low Capacity Keeps Dating New People

I’m currently in a relationship with a partner I deeply love. We’re both practicing solo polyamory, though right now, I personally haven’t had the capacity to date anyone else. While this hasn’t been intentional monogamy, the reality is I’ve only had space for one romantic relationship due to high levels of stress, work pressure, emotional exhaustion, and preparing for an international move (3/4month stint). So, naturally, more of my relational needs have landed on this one partnership.

He, on the other hand, is dating multiple people — with a 2 established attachment based relationships (myself included), 2 moving into attachment based relationships and 7 casual/play partners whilst also still seeking more. The reason why I said he was “polysaturated” was because he is constantly talking with new partners without nourishing the ones he currently has.

I dont entirely know if the others needs aren’t getting met, all I know is that he says its “chill” and “slow” BUT I mainly say this because I am not being as nourished when he said he would but describes it as “low capacity”. Now I’m not saying he isn’t at low capacity because he definitely is. He’s managing the aftermath of a significant breakup, the pressure of running his own business, financial stress, and deep burnout. I can clearly see that his system is overloaded. 

I’ve communicated my needs very clearly: more emotional consistency, affirming check-ins, some sense of structure or ritual (like a set weekly call), and ideally something tangible or sentimental to feel anchored between visits (we’re long-distance). He’s always been open to these needs, and has said he wants to meet them — but what ends up happening is a short burst of consistency (e.g., a few days of morning affirmations), followed by forgetting, especially when he’s busy, unwell, or spending time with other partners, I just would love these things without having to “prompt” him.

What’s hard is this: I have seen change. He has been showing up in more loving ways than before. But because there was so much undernourishment in the earlier months of our relationship — where I was asking for support and not receiving it — I’m starting to question whether my nervous system has been rewired to see him as unsafe, even now that things are improving and I understand that things take time to see change. And this is where I feel torn. 

Things are changing on his end. We do regular RADARs and intentional check-ins, and we’ve been carving out time for more consistency — including connection calls and in-person time, even amidst the challenges of long-distance. He’s not absent. He’s just limited. And while I’ve seen genuine effort and care, the inconsistency is still there. It’s less about emotional negligence, and more about not having a clear sense of where we are going — which leaves me feeling unsettled.

We began in a space that felt secure. But over time, with unmet needs and a lack of reliability, I shifted into an anxious attachment response. He tends more avoidant — so we’ve been sitting in that anxious-avoidant loop, especially during periods of high stress for both of us. Even though we’ve both named the desire to return to a secure connection, I’m struggling to find my way back to that state.

Part of the difficulty is that my nervous system is already under immense strain from multiple life stressors: I’m closing down a business, under heavy work pressure, preparing for an international move, and emotionally burned out. I’m sleep-deprived, dysregulated, and stretched thin — and while I logically understand when his capacity is low, my body still experiences inconsistency as abandonment. I also know this is not solely about him.

I’m working to nourish myself more consistently, and I’m aware that I’ve been seeking more from him than is likely sustainable — especially given he’s also showing up for other partners and is in a stretched season himself. I dont ever want to take away from him and put this onto him, so I am also constantly battling with myself trying to see all sides of the situation. 

So here’s where I’m stuck:
I’ve set a clear internal timeline for the next 3 weeks. We’ll see each other twice (possibly three times), and we have regular calls scheduled. I’m giving myself this time to observe — to watch how the relationship actually feels when I’m not leading it, when I’m not over-functioning. But I don’t know if what I’m looking for is, is this next 3 weeks just me dragging out the inevitable? OR is this the best option to see what happens if I regulate myself and nourish myself and see where we fit!

The 3 options I keep thinking about are...

A breakup, because I’m asking for a kind of partnership that he just doesn’t have the bandwidth for

A de-escalation, where I shift this relationship into something lighter, without severing love. We keep it as a purely sex/play relationship that occasional when either of us are in town.

Or a pathway back to secure attachment, where I do the work to self-regulate and meet him more clearly where he is — releasing unrealistic expectations, and simply letting the connection evolve on its own terms

I don’t want to walk away without trying. I am someone who wants to exhaust every option first — not out of desperation, but out of integrity. So if I do leave, I do it with clarity and peace, knowing I truly showed up and gave the connection room to grow.

The thing that you don't really go into that I am really curious about is how you *know* about what's going on in his other relationships. You say that you don't know if he's meeting their needs, but you are saying he's "also showing up for other partners". For all you know, all of his other partners may have the same experience but for them, this is not a problem for them because they are okay with the level he is able to give them. It meets their bare minimum.

Personally, I'm not that keen on attachment styles because I worry about the way people characterise their entire being by this. And when you define a "secure attachment" as a situation where you "release unrealistic expectations" concerns me. Is a secure attachment one where you pretend you don't want something that you do want?

For some people, a casual style of relationship that finds its way on its own is ideal for them. But that's not because these are zen masters of their own nervous system. It's because it is ideal for them. Anyone can have a calm nervous system in a situation that works out well for them.

It's not a sign of their interpersonal skills. For others, they want their relationships to have some type of shared goal. When they don't have a shared goal, it's going to bother them. That's not because they are bad at navigating their nervous system. It's because they are in a situation they do not want.

It used to be in the good old days of polyamory that people would often assume that having negative emotions associated with their polyamory meant that they were insecure. The assumption here is that insecurity is a personal flaw that one can overcome and that, if you are good enough, you never experience insecurity. But the truth is that anyone, even those with astounding self-confidence and without a lick of self-hate, will absolutely feel insecure in a new environment. That is not a result of a lack on their part. It's a normal human experience.

Likewise, a "secure attachment" in this case is not some zen Vulcan state where you're able to suppress the things you want for the sake of allowing the relationship to continue. I'm no expert on attachment theory by any means. But I feel like when some people apply attachment theory, they are applying it almost as if they have the same needs a child has for secure attachment to a parental figure. Children need constant secure attachment to a parental figure.

And while, yes, it is better to have security within a relationship, I do sometimes worry that there is almost a level of secure attachment expected of an adult relationship that would only be found between a parent and a child.

Adult relationships are not going to be as secure and adults don't need the same level of attachment that children need. And you as an adult have the power to walk away, most of the time, from relationships that do not serve you. I would really, instead of trying to figure out if he truly has the bandwidth or not, is to ask yourself if this relationship actually serves you. When it comes to grown adults, all you can really do is the three Cs: consent, confront or cut.

You can consent to the situation, which also includes within it not holding resentment for the situation. This isn't about redefining your current expectations as "unreasonable". This is about going, "This is what I am going to get from this person and this can meet my bare minimum."

And accepting that. The second C, confront is what it seems like you're actually trying to do. It's unreasonable to expect someone to be able to meet a need you haven't clearly asked for – but it sounds like you have clearly asked multiple times for exactly what you want. And then the third C is cut, which is where you cut your losses and find what you need elsewhere.

Whether or not he is polysaturated is kind of irrelevant. I have been in relationships with people who were not dating anyone but me and yet they were still not necessarily as fulfilling as I wanted them to be. I have been in relationships that seemed very fulfilling and they had another partner (and were actually monogamous and hiding it from me).

If he didn't have any partners at all but was giving you the same amount of attention, it would still not be something you want. Now, being polysaturated could be an explanation for his behaviour, but if he is satisfied with the current level of interaction you have right now then that is really the crux of the issue. He does not require the reciprocity you want to have a thriving, happy relationship. That's not because of your inability to regulate your emotions.

I don't think there is anything wrong with giving yourself a timeline and to see how things go. I've been there. I've stayed for way too long in situations waiting for them to change because I was in love and I wanted to believe things would change. But I would really ask yourself if de-escalation is something you can realistically do.

Polyamorous people are so hesitant to break up because there is no requirement to do so for them to form other connections, but as I've said before and I will say again: Polyamory is not an excuse to stay in multiple semi-sustaining relationships until you reach a level of permissible stasis. Your relationships shouldn't just be ones you have because you can.

You only have 24 hours in a day and you can spend that time in relationships that actually involve the level of reciprocation that you desire or you can not do that. Arguably, the more time you spend in less fulfilling relationships, the less time you have to seek and find ones that are fulfilling, especially for someone with limited time such as yourself.

Three weeks isn't forever so I don't think there is a need for urgency in deciding whether or not another three weeks is worth it, but I think what's more urgent is examining your relationship between what it is you see as the bare minimum for relationships and how to better identify when you're not getting this or work out with partners before you officially get together so that you know for sure that your relationships will be able to meet your needs.

And for what it's worth, please understand that relationships are not skills in and of themselves. You can't be such a good partner that you make up for an incompatibility. I totally understand wanting to try. I have been there. But in what universe would you imagine that you would write to me such a long letter and see yourself as not having already tried. Have you not?

Is your integrity measured by how much you're willing to suffer in order to get what it is that you need? Are you sure that your definition of integrity is fair to yourself? If you had a friend in the same situation as yourself who decided to walk away from the situation before the three weeks, would you chastise this person for not having integrity?

Overall, I think that whether you decide to try for three more weeks or not, I would have a think about the frame of mind you're seeing this situation in. Really think about what it is that you want out of relationships. Learning when to say when is not always as clear cut as it can seem in hindsight. I think you could be a lot kinder towards yourself about what you've already been through.

When I read your letter, I do not see someone who has not tried to make things work. I do not see a person who lacks integrity. I see a person who deserves a lot of credit for trying to make something work. And, granted I am only seeing one half of this entire story, I am seeing someone who is trying a lot harder to make things work consistently than it seems like their partner is doing.

Put a friend in your exact same situation and ask yourself if you would not see what I see and instead of making a decision based on whether or not your attachment is secure with someone else, ask yourself if your attachment with yourself is secure.

I hope this helps and good luck!