Partner Won't Let Me Date Others After Trying Polyamory

So in 23 I had the open conversation with my husband, I've mentioned trying polyamory for years but he kept laughing me off and made me feel silly for even suggesting it, I couldn't keep suppressing my needs so I wrote him a letter instead as face to face always seems hard (we are both autistic/adhd).

So we started seeing others, he absolutely hated it, got very emotional and obviously I was made sure to reassure him it wasn't ever about replacing him simply experiencing different things, I think it's really unfair to expect to get everything from one person and although our relationship is beautiful and I love him very much, I do feel like I need to have other relationships, I'm a very sexual person and sociable and he's quite the opposite and that's totally okay I'm not trying to make him someone he's not I would like to another partner/friends to go to kink events with etc.

Anyway after about a year of us both dating others it just became too much as he question what I was wearing, where I was going even when seeing friends, became very paranoid and would roll his eyes and avoid me if I ever spoke to him about planning anything with anyone else, it became draining and I didn't want it to hurt our marriage (we've been together 23 years, married 21) we are used to spending time apart as he was in the army for 22 years so he's been away countless times. For months on end etc.

So needless to say in 24 I had a very low mental health year because I'm stuffing down all of these feelings to make him happy, I'm a very open, honest, blunt communator but also worry about the other person's feelings so much I make sure I'm careful how I word things which is exhausting in itself.

So again I brought up the conversation again and he wasn't best pleased that I wanted fo relive that (for me polyamory makes so much sense, for him he only wants me and gets confused as to why I need to see anyone else) so we've been talking about it for a month now and he's still saying he needs process time before we date others again, he doesn't want to date others but says if I am going to then he is as that's fair?!

Anyways I'm reading all the books/booked us in with a registered non monogamy therapist but he said he won't let me date yet, he's not ready, I feel like overthinking it and dragging it out is going to be worse. He says why can't I negotiate being NM, why do I need it etc? I don't think I can keep stifling who I am and ignoring my wishes, I won't be ashamed of who I am.

I also don't really know the right way forward and I love him so much and don't want to hurt him but I feel almost boxed in. 

I'm going to use my response to you to voice what might very well be an Unpopular Polyamory Opinion: I think the whole "It's unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs" can be extremely gaslighting to monogamous people.

I feel like it is inherently contradictory for many polyamorous people to sit within a largely mono-centric society where lots of people are monogamous and it works just fine for them and to pretend like it doesn't work fine for them.

While, yes, many people didn't actively choose monogamy and while there may be many toxic things that mono-centric society encourages, there are a good deal of people who are absolutely fine with monogamy and who would choose it because it fits their lifestyle and how they would like to love.

We do ourselves a disservice as polyamorous people to both ourselves and to monogamous people by trying to cloak or bypass the truth by arguing against the naturalness of monogamy or focusing on the toxic aspects of mono-centric culture, as if these are necessary to be monogamous, instead of acknowledging what may be the truth for many of us: monogamy isn't good enough for us. And I believe many of us are avoiding saying that honestly.

This isn't about one person not being "good enough". For many of us, polyamory is what we want because we want more or different experiences. We want freedom. We want autonomy. Monogamy, point blank, does not give us what we want. Full stop. For whatever reason. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. And, for many of us, till death do us part.

It's not about whether or not it's fair for someone to expect one person to be "good enough" for them. Many people are monogamous and expect their partner to be their one source of romantic and sexual attention – and that works for them. And in the context of two people who absolutely do want monogamy, it absolutely is fair to expect that. But you're not monogamous.

You don't want monogamy. And it's not because of some philosophical esoteric concept of what someone should or shouldn't expect from you as a partner. It's because you want more experiences than monogamy can provide. To put it bluntly, monogamy is not good enough for you. And that's okay.

I think we avoid having this conversation because we don't want to hurt anybody and because "It's not you, it's monogamy" feels like a bit of a cop out. But fundamentally that is the case. When we go about it the other way, it seems to suggest that people could rationalise their way out of monogamy and into non-monogamy.

Because after all, if it's unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs then monogamous people are just one rationalisation away from being polyamorous. But it's not really about that, I would argue. Point blank, monogamy is not fulfilling for you and you're not going to be able to negotiate your partner out of the fact that monogamy is fulfilling for them. You're not going to be able to answer the question of "Why do you need it?" any more than you could negotiate why you want anything else in your life.

He doesn't want non-monogamy and forcing him into a position where he has to accept you being non-monogamous is just as unfair as him forcing you into a position where you have to accept monogamy.

Unfortunately, you're both at an impasse here that can't be negotiated away. It would be the same if you wanted kids and he didn't. It's a branching life decision that can't be compensated for or can only be compensated for in exchange for complete and utter misery on either side.

You've done your best and tried non-monogamy and it didn't work functionally. It seems like the only option you have, unless you want to continue to stuff down all of your feelings for the rest of your life, it might be more constructive for you to go your separate ways.

Forcing someone into non-monogamy when they don't want it can hurt them just as much and sometimes more than going your separate ways can. It's unfortunate that he has not come to the conclusion that monogamy is not what you want and it would be best for you both to pursue what you want in life and it seems as though you may be the one that needs to come to that conclusion so that you both can be happy.

I wish I had a magic button that could turn your partner into a non-monogamist. But the fact of the matter is that he is not interested in non-monogamy and he's not going to be able to rationalise his way into it if it's just not what he wants.

I hope this helps and good luck.