We’ve been married for 5, together for 8. Open marriage for about 1.5 years. I’m pregnant (10wks), we also have an almost 3 year old and we have sex frequently but not as much in the last two weeks. Recently my husband has found a connection that is both emotional and sexual (although nothing has happened physically yet). I feel sick to my stomach and want my husband to be happy and free but before this woman I felt our open marriage made us closer..now I feel disconnected. So after days of feeling icky I told him and he said he still wanted to have her as a friend but would cut out the sexual aspect. “Done.” He said. I don’t want you to feel like that.
My heart instantly felt lighter and I fell more in love with him in that moment. He was willing to meet me all the way. I just wasn’t feeling special or important and he made me feel secure in our marriage in an instant. (Also we both note that my pregnancy hormones are insane right now;)
So later that evening after thinking about it all day I came to the conclusion that my spouse should get to sleep with this woman he’s invested some time in who he wants to sleep with and she him.
I don’t have to feel elated all the time but I also don’t want to be selfish.
The catch is I don’t now or ever want there to be more than 3–5ish dates between him and whomever he chooses to see or sleep with. Same goes for me. I like that we are primary partners, lovers and parents first. What I like is that this is something that draws us closer to together and we communicate more now than we ever did. But I never want there to be other long term people. I keep thinking that’s being emotional manipulative or boxing him in but the other part of me doesn’t feel like there’s anything wrong with me for wanting that.
I would really love your advice. I guess I feel a little bit crazy and alone in this even though I know I’m not.
There seems to be a lot that’s not necessarily in this question and it makes me wonder if you’ve really explored what it is you’re afraid of. Understandably right now you’re going to have a lot of anxiety about losing your partner, especially while you’ve mentioned that you feel like your hormones are having an effect on your feelings.
It might not be the best time right now to make any large decisions. It might feel very difficult for your partner to know what to really do if you change your mind either way and if you do end up changing your mind, you might feel worse.
Keeping in mind that I’m not a parent, I do feel like when people decide to have a child, they have to put the children first above everything else, including lovers and pursuing other interests. Perhaps taking a bit of a break and helping out with the childcare until you feel like your hormones are not going out of whack might be a better approach than making any huge choices right now.
It might also be good for you both to consider seeing a polyamory friendly therapist who can help walk you through some of these fears together.
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