Sister Wives and Polyamory

I need help in trying to respectfully break up my 9 year relationship with what is called my Sister Wife.

I am married to my husband of 15 years. But this poly ship I am in. No longer serves me. My husband wants to continue being with her. I need help with the boundaries to set.

While I am no expert on polygamy, I have never heard of a person in a polyamorous relationship genuinely and earnestly calling someone a "Sister Wife". If this involves some sort of religious practice which would mean that there are bigger ramifications involved in this than just setting boundaries.

Polyamory also doesn't inherently involve you having any relationship or interaction with the people that your partner dates. A lot of people are only interested in parallel polyamory, which means they do not regularly or sometimes even at all interact with the people that their partner dates. If you're involved in something that is polygamy and it involves religion and an entire community around it, I think it would be best to reach out to Recovering From Religion potentially and see what resources they could advise.

In terms of boundaries, it's important to recognise that a boundary is not about what other people can or can't do. That's a rule or an agreement. A boundary is about what you will do in order to facilitate the relationship or to be true to yourself. A good example of this might be that a rule would be "You can't have partners in our home when I'm home".

That's a dictate on someone else's behaviour. An agreement would be where you both agree not to bring people you date home unless the other is not there or you will give each other a heads up so you can make yourself scarce so that the other partner can have time with their date. That allows two people to compromise on something. A boundary would be, "If you bring someone home, I am going to make myself scarce because I don't really want to interact with metamours right now."

In terms of what boundaries to set, the question really is whether or not you want to be in a relationship with a polyamorous person. If it's not for you, does a relationship with a polyamorous person suit you? Or are you trying to avoid ending your relationship at all costs? That's something to ponder. But your boundaries should be about what you will do to facilitate the relationship and you can arrive at that by examining what it is you want out of your relationships.

What is your bare minimum? What is your ideal? How can you both meet in the middle? I assume from this that you don't want to be polyamorous at all. But if that's not the case, then it's about you and your partner discussing how much time you have with each other versus how much time you have with others and negotiating the boundaries of shared spaces. It's okay to ask for space from your metamour, especially if you're still hurting from the breakup, but apply the same standards you would to a roommate and see if it's fair to expect.

Finding your ideal, if not in polyamory, than in this situation is helpful. If this is about you being monogamous, it's worth it to know mono-polyam relationships can work, but you have to accept that you will get less time with your partner than you would typically get in a normal monogamous relationship. If you're okay with getting less time, then it becomes about how much time your husband can give you and if that works for you with your life. I would check out my 101 and 102 articles for a breakdown on some of this stuff that might help.

Either way, I think figuring out what you want and seeing if it's something you and your husband can negotiate is the ideal situation here. But remember that a boundary is only as good as you're willing to enforce it.

If you say that you have these boundaries and know what you will do if the conditions are not met, then you have to be willing to actually do that. Definitely also see if you can get some therapy to address the issues as that might also be needed to help you work through this.

I hope it helps and good luck!