When Transparency Requests Feel Like Control

My boyfriend and I live in an open relationship, because i asked for it.

For me, it was just the need for some flirts and sex, but as he began to date, we found out, that he seeks for more romantic relationships.

After a lot of confusion for the past 7 month, he now admits, that the relationship to the girl he meets is polyamorous, though in another way than he loves me.

As we are quite different, he committed to some rules, i asked for.

but somehow they still feels like restrictions for him.

One of the "rules" ist, that i'm asking for transparency regarding his dates.

Usually they date on friday nights and go out or stay at his place.

if they do something new, i'd like to know it in advance.

That's when he feels like i want to control him 

The same happens, wenn i asked for details like "did that new adventure, bring you closer"?

Knowing that he is polyamorous feels quite scary fo me, though i know, it isn't.

Our relationship would probably be the same, without my insecuritys.

Asking for transparency gives me a feeling of security. 

On the other hand it leads to the opposite as my boyfriend feels controlled.

So again - how do find a balance?

What I appreciate about your question is that you understand what your main motivator in asking for these things is – security. You want to know the details of what's going on in his other relationships because it makes you feel more secure. But the problem is, that feeling is a false sense of security.

You initially opened up with the concept of a hierarchy where you are your partner's only romantic connection and within that framework, there was little to be insecure or scared about. You were the only one who he would have romantic feelings for. This isn't a bad setup and I'm not criticising it. It can work for many people. But the problem with this framework is that it's pretty easy to still rely on monogamous cultural scripts that end up doing the reassurance for you.

When this changed and your partner realised that he was more polyamorous than non-monogamous, it doesn't sound like you actually discussed how another romantic relationship would fit into his life with you and what this would mean.

To your brain, "romantic relationship" has previously been only the status you held and only a status one person could hold. If you never discuss the realities of how multiple romantic relationships can fit within his life, then essentially your brain can only come to one rational conclusion or question — at what point will you be kicked off your throne and replaced?

Knowing when this is going to happen by being hyper vigilant of the "progression" of his other relationship brings you a false sense of security. Some people love sharing details with their partners and some partners love hearing details. And some metamours are okay with their metamours knowing details.

One thing you've yet to consider is the privacy of your partner's girlfriend and whether or not she is comfortable with you knowing so much about her private relationship. I don't know if I'd be okay with that myself. This doesn't sound like details shared out of fun or excitement. It sounds like you want a breakdown for exactly the reasons you describe – a feeling of security. And your boyfriend then feels obligated to tell you things purely just to keep you secure, not because he enjoys telling you or you enjoy hearing or his girlfriend is okay with sharing them.

It's not surprising then it feels like control. Because you are trying to control the situation. You're not trying to be controlling. But it feels to your partner that it is controlling because he has to choose between making you feel better and his own privacy.

He may be making decisions with his other partner not based on what he wants to do with his other partner, but instead on what he then has to disclose to you. And that isn't technically fair on him or his other partner and it does mean he is restricted by your disclosure policy in his other relationships. It's okay that you feel scared. That's totally normal.

By leaning into this anxiety and hearing these details, you're also reaffirming to your brain that there is this one space of "romantic partner" and you could lose it and you need to keep vigilant about it. It feels like security temporarily, but really it can't give you absolute assurance against what you're afraid of. Ultimately, there is only so much you can control.

Even if you went back to monogamy, you couldn't control whether or not your partner stays in love with you and stays with you. It makes sense for you to want to control this. We're social creatures and our ancestors would die if they were kicked out of their social groups. Losing our social bonds can be intensely painful.

But this responsibility isn't something that is good for you to take on in the end. Because you can't believe that you can control whether or not your partners leave you without also blaming yourself for every time they have. It's an incredibly heavy burden to place on your shoulders.

A lot of people learn this in childhood, when they convince themselves that they can stop their parents from fighting by not spilling their milk – or something similar to that. Because in the moment, it's a lot more empowering to feel like you can stop that by not spilling your milk. It feels empowering to think you can keep your partner around by what you do.

The balance you find here isn't in the details your partner shares with you. If you accept that your relationship is more polyamorous than not, sit down and discuss your ideals together. Even if you don't think you want to have other romantic relationships, if you can accept what your partner wants, this may mean you get less time with your partner than you anticipated and that's okay to feel sad about.

Maybe you might change your mind about different types of relationships. Think about the types of polyamory there are and what your ideal might be and see if you can come to an understanding together of how much time you will spend together and time you want to spend with others. I would check out my 101 and 102 articles. That might help you start on a way to discuss this with your partner.

It's less about the right amount of details. It's more about leaning into the things you can control. If you and your partner can come to an agreement on what time you spend with one another, then it doesn't matter what happens in other relationships. I want to emphasise again that I totally understand your fears.

I totally understand why you want to know this information. You're not trying to control anything. You just want to feel safe. And that's okay and understandable. Feeling safe is possible, but it comes from yourself, rather than from your partner. No matter what partners you have, you will always be there for yourself. And the more you can comfort yourself and find security within yourself, the more the change that will inevitably come in life will not be so difficult to bear.

I hope this helps and good luck!