That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I'm the person that sent in the question about negative feelings towards a meta today, I watched your videos, and yes, there was not room for detail, and everything you've said, I've done, and I'm able to separate out the things that are my partner's choices. But at the same time, haven't met this meta because there's been so many things that have happened, and yes, most of them were my partner's decisions.

But some of them, there are some things that some actions that she's taken, that I have had a problem with and the interactions we've had via text and all that stuff. I haven't felt very good about the way she responded to me one time when I told her I was really struggling with the things that our partner was doing and stuff like that.

I didn't like how she responded. I feel like she has, yeah, just done some things that aren't necessarily good, and I want to meet her because we're trying for kitchen table, but I just have all these hang ups, and I'm having a really difficult time trying to figure out how to navigate that.

Response

So I can't remember what I said in my video. If anyone's listening to this and isn't sure what this person is referring to, I do Q&As on my Instagram @NonMonogamyHelp, and people ask questions. And of course, the question box on Instagram is extremely tiny, and it's impossible for people to put in much context. So, and I do them quite frequently, so I don't specifically remember which question yours would have been.

However, I think the thing that sticks out for me here—and it's kind of hard, because yes, this is more information, but I don't necessarily know what the things that she has done that aren't necessarily good are, and so it's kind of a little bit difficult for me to give a full response. Because not to say anything negative of yourself, but there are things that are explainable. There are things that you absolutely shouldn't tolerate. There are things I wouldn't tolerate. So it's really hard for me to know exactly what's going on here.

Wanting Kitchen Table Polyamory

I think the bigger question for me is: Does your meta actually want kitchen table polyamory? Because you said "we are trying for kitchen table," but who is "we"? Is that you and your partner? Is that you, your partner, and your meta?

It kind of feels like your partner has not actually been hinging here. It's not to say necessarily that you and your metamour shouldn't talk or text or anything like that, but I just feel like if I were going to try for kitchen table polyamory, and if I were going to be the hinge in the situation, I definitely think that I would try to direct that. I would be the intermediary.

Before—unless you already knew each other beforehand, and you were talking beforehand—I think I would have made that super clear to the meta. I'm not quite sure how long you've been with your partner, how long the meta has been with your partner, if you live with your meta, or if you live with your partner, if your partner lives with your meta. All of these things have an impact on how this situation can be introduced.

But I'd say that I would definitely take the active hand in having you two meet up, talking through things, making it super clear—if you want kitchen table, making it super clear what kind of kitchen table. How does this work? Do you have a maximum number of partners? Are there more people joining in this kitchen table?

There's a million different ways you could do kitchen table polyamory. You could have a situation where, if you start dating someone and you want to bring that person into the household—there's so many things to discuss. And I kind of feel like if I were the hinge, more or less, then I would be the one doing a lot of that emotional labour, more or less. I don't know if it's called emotional labour, but I would be doing a lot of the discussion, the negotiating, the talking through things.

Venting to metamours

And the fact that you're talking with your meta as well—you said you don't feel very good about the way she responded to you when you told her that you were struggling with the things that your partner was doing. So a couple of things on that.

Firstly, I think that your metas are terrible, terrible people to go to. It makes sense—I'm not trying to say it doesn't make sense if you went to her to talk about it, especially if you feel like, "Am I going crazy? Am I being too sensitive? Oh, I know this other person who's also dating my partner. I'll ask them if they're having the same experience." It makes total, total sense. I'm not trying to dog on you for doing that.

However, I do genuinely think that metamours are terrible people to go to with that type of question or that type of concern in most cases, and that's just because they're not an objective third party. And it can be really, really awkward to give someone advice about a person that you both date, and it can feel a little bit like you're talking about your partner behind their back. And it also may not be stuff that they want to know.

Even in a kitchen table situation, I just feel like what's going on in your separate relationship should probably but not completely stay between you and your partner. Again, I totally understand reaching out. And I think some questions are okay. It really depends on what you were asking. But I just feel like, if there are problems, there should be a forum where all three of you sit down, if you're doing kitchen table and that's really what you want.

Regular check-ins in polyamory

I feel like there should be a relationship—as Multiamory kind of calls it, "the RADAR." There should be a check-in with all three of you, where you can raise stuff like that as a team, rather than necessarily going behind—I mean, I'm not saying you're intentionally trying to do this, but I can understand, depending on how she responded. You said you don't feel very good about how she responded.

I think I would be quite frustrated with somebody. I think I would try to respond gently, and I think I would definitely say, "Look, I totally understand that you're feeling this way, but I'm really not the best person to talk to about this." And I know that's super difficult, because monogamous people have friends that they can talk to about their relationships.

It's one of the main reasons why people who are abusing people try to isolate them away from their friends and family, because your friends are the people you talk to about your relationships. Your friends can give you that sense check. Your friends can tell you, "Oh my god, this person is treating you terribly, dude." And so you want that sense check. And it makes sense to want that from a meta.

I think again, there are right and wrong ways to go about it. I don't think it's—it's never, it's not "never discuss your other relationships with your meta." I'm not saying it that strongly, but I just think that if it's about emotional support, I really don't know if the meta is the best person to go to about that.

I think it can put them in a really awkward position, similar to if you have two friends who date each other, and you go to one friend because of the friendship between you—it makes sense, but it can put that person in a really awkward position. So I can understand why that might not have been such a great experience for your metamour.

But again, there's a lot of vagueness about this, or there isn't a lot of explanation of what she's done that hasn't been good. So it's not that I'm saying that whenever there's a problem with a metamour, it's always the partner that's the problem. There may very well be points when she's been a total dick. And so it's hard to say.

Hinging and not hinging

But I do think that it does sound like your partner's not hinging very well here, because I just feel like if you're really trying for kitchen table, your partner should really be spearheading that transition. Your partner should really be the one to introduce you guys to each other, to talk through things. You all three should be talking about your shared goals and talking about this kitchen table, rather than just you two.

I'm assuming from what's described—I don't necessarily remember everything that happened on Instagram, so deep apologies for that. But I also can't tell from this—I'm assuming that you and your partner were dating before your partner met this meta, but it's hard to say.

And if it's a situation where you and your partner were dating and you're trying to—not saying you're doing this, but trying to invite a third in—then definitely your partner should be more active. And it doesn't sound like, from your question, that your partner is very active in this.

So I really think the first steps I would take is go to my partner and be like, "Look, does meta actually want kitchen table polyamory? Have you talked about this? Have you and your partner talked about your ideals? What kind of kitchen table polyamory do you guys want? Are you on the same page on that?"

And I would really go through what are those things—the things you were struggling with, that your partner was doing—and bring it up with your partner and say, "Look, I might be overreacting. I might be a little bit upset, but these are some of the things that I've been struggling with, and I would really like to address them before we go forward with this kitchen table situation." Make sure that you're on the same page.

Because I think that a lot of the stuff—it depends. I don't know what it means when you say that she's done some things that aren't necessarily good. That could mean anything. And people—you would be surprised about the stuff that people can say, "Oh, that's kind of bad," and that's really bad. And then sometimes people say something is really bad, and it's not been good for them, but it's not been completely out of the box of what the other person might do in that situation, right?

So it depends on what that is. And if you want to email me and follow up with that, I'm totally fine with that.

Agreeing on Kitchen Table Polyamory

But yeah, I think the first port of call is your partner and to be like, "Are we on the same page about what kitchen table polyamory means? Are we on the same page about how we want other people to fit in our life?"

Because, let's say everything goes fine with this meta, all the problems are just water under the bridge, blah, blah, blah. But then you meet somebody and you want to move them into the household. If you've never discussed that before, then that could be another thing. So make sure that you and your partner are crystal clear about what it is that you want to do and that all three of you are crystal clear about what this kitchen table looks like and what it means to have kitchen table polyamory, and that you all want it.

And if you are on the same page, then work as a team together and really make your partner—you can't make your partner do anything. What the heck am I saying? You invite your partner to step up a little bit more in this hinging situation and have some type of regular check-ins with each other so that you don't have to go to your meta about problems that are going on in relationships where you can actually address things as a three-person group.

I'm not saying you're necessarily a triad, but if you're going for kitchen table polyamory, then you are trying to be a family, essentially. And so you should have family meetings, and you should be speaking to your partner and have a regular check-in with your partner about the stuff that comes up between you and your partner. Your partner should be regularly checking in with the meta about what's going on between them. So these are things that your partner really needs to do.

Emotional relationship management

And I see sometimes—a lot of the cases like this—this happens a lot, where two metas end up kind of emotionally managing the relationship, because a hinge doesn't step up. A hinge is usually a man—But it's not always the case, but it happens all the effing time. And I'm tired and bedraggled, on behalf of the people who write into me and also the people I've seen in so many cases of this, where it's just like the hinge is not hinging, and then the two metas have to negotiate with each other.

It's like the freaking hinge is a hostage. It becomes a hostage situation instead of a hinge situation—not even a hostage situation, because it's just the fact that the hinge is not stepping up, and it's not doing any kind of management of anything. It's just going like, "Okay, I guess you guys figure it out." And it's just—I have very, very little sympathy.

But I don't necessarily know what's going on in this situation. But I, again, I don't think my advice would have changed that much from the video that I put up on Instagram, where it's easy to blame the metamour. And I'm not saying that your metamour is an angel and has never done anything wrong. But primarily, even if you want kitchen table, I think you need to go to your partner as a first port of call.

Sometimes adults don’t get along

And I think also—depending, again, I don't know what it means that she's done some things that aren't necessarily good. I mean, if she's violated your personal boundaries, if she's hit you, then don't talk to her. That could mean anything. So it's hard for me to say, but yeah, first port of call would probably be my partner.

Sometimes people don't get along. So even if you are all on the same page, maybe you just don't get along with her. Sometimes adults just don't get along— just not each other's vibe, whatever. And then you might have to think if kitchen table is really realistic, because sometimes I do think that unless you're a person who's totally fine with living in a household of people that you kind of don't really like that much, and maybe that's not a big deal for some people, then maybe that works.

But sometimes I just think that adults don't get along, and I think we got to be realistic. I think as nice as kitchen table sounds—lovely to have this co-op with all these people that are so awesome, and you don't have to drive anywhere to meet up with anybody—sounds like my personal nightmare.

But if it's something that you want, that's fine. But I just think sometimes people don't get along, and I think you just got to be realistic about that.

So yeah, overall, I think my first port of call would be the partner and figuring out if you're on the same page, and then see where you can go from there. You don't have to meet up right away. There's no deadline. You've got plenty of time. And nobody in the situation, from what I can gather, has an illness or a situation where this absolutely needs to be rushed, so take your time. Figure stuff out with your partner first, and then you'll be a lot more secure about what's going to happen in the future.

So yeah, I hope that helps, and good luck.