That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I'm facing a challenge that my therapist hasn't helped me make progress on. I haven't been able to find any therapists covered by insurance that are well-versed in non-monogamy. And the same can be said for disability. I became non-monogamous about ten years ago. I was solo poly for about a year before I met my current partner, B.

He entered a relationship with me knowing that I wanted non-monogamy and accepted the arrangement. Fast forward to me taking a 60 foot fall and getting a spinal cord injury. I use a wheelchair full time now. We temporarily closed the relationship while I was healing and adjusting. And then, after a year. I was ready to try it again. The issue is.... once I put up pictures of me sitting in a wheelchair, all my matches dried up. It was crickets.

And I felt so terrible comparing my old experience on the apps to my new. It was a huge blow to my ego to feel this undesirable... and if I got messages, they were often painful and insensitive. People asking me if I could still have sex and what happened to my legs. And then we moved cities, and I left my entire network behind. It was very lonely. I struggled to make new friends. We got on the apps in the new city and soon my partner was going on dates that he was excited about and starting new relationships. It hurt so much.

So many things changed due to my fall -- but I wasn't prepared for how lonely and vulnerable I would feel with him going on dates now. It started taking a toll on my mental health. I don't know which of my needs are not being met. I took up new hobbies (pottery, book club) and tried to tough it out. But it continues to hurt. I think part of it is access intimacy and how much I rely on him. When I'm with my partner, I don't have to worry about access or be strategic and plan everything out.

He understands my needs so fully, I can relax. I don't feel disabled when we're together. So the long afternoons and evenings and nights that he's gone... I'm acutely aware of my limitations. Like, last Friday he was on a date with a lady he started seeing about a month ago. Lots of NRE. I wanted to do something. not just sit at home. So I found a star party happening nearby. But figuring out access soon shut me down. It turns out it was happening in a gravel parking lot, which would be difficult for me to navigate. Plus I had finger surgery recently, so my mobility is even more impacted.

Anyway, I'm just struggling with non-monogamy as a wheelchair user because when my partner is on dates, I feel much more limited in the things I can do. And my friend circle is so small, I can't find a friend to hang out with every time he goes out. I just feel left behind. And sorry for myself. I feel jealous of how easy things are for him. How much easier it is for him to get dates, go on fun dates (no need to worry about access), and how independent he is of me.

I worry that he will get so caught up with his able-bodied partners and the fun things they can do together (hiking, backpacking, climbing) that I will become an afterthought and somebody that just stays at home, waiting for him to come back so I can do stuff too. It feels really asymmetric. I can't help but feel like right now, he's getting all the benefits of non-monogamy while not having to do any of the hard work. While I get all the hard work and see none of the benefits.

And the work is really hard. It feels very triggering and brings up all this grief I thought I had processed -- grief over my injury, loss of mobility, and the ableism of society. I feel like I've lost my way here and lost my reasons for being non-monogamous. I used to love the opportunity to meet new people, connect, learn all about them, explore sexually. My current rate of dating does not fulfill that need.

And I haven't been in a relationship (other than with my nesting partner) since we moved. So, what do I do? I floated the idea of closing the relationship to him and he said he was not interested in that. That being non-monogamous is a part of his identity now. I feel stuck in being sad and stressed all the time.

Response

So firstly, I want to say that I haven't been in the situation that you have been in, and I haven't obviously had to face these types of issues. With my disability, there is a lot of admin, and I can't really be spontaneous in the same ways. I don't struggle with the same access needs that you have. But I definitely have felt restrained in my ability to participate in certain things, and also I'm looking at a future where potentially I could be completely blind, and that has been an issue.

And so I can't say that I fully understand your position, but at least—I want to say that you're definitely not alone in how you feel. And I'm sure, I'm pretty sure, I have known people who have access needs, both in using a wheelchair—definitely known people who are using a wheelchair or using mobility devices, who are polyamorous, who also face similar issues, and it's a massive pain in the ass. And I just, you know, for what it's worth, I want to say that you're not alone in that. And I can only say that I'm sorry that the world is so shit, especially around access needs and around making things actually properly fucking accessible for people.

Have you tried disability rights groups?

One thing that I've kind of—I'm going to make these suggestions, and my genuine hope is that I'm not telling you some shit you've already tried, but it's because you didn't mention these in your letter that I'm going to assume that you haven't tried them. But I want to say, have you tried reaching out to local disability rights groups? I know that they probably won't be polyamorous disabled groups. There probably are those. I haven't really sought them out because my disability situation is super unique. I've only ever met one other person with my disability, and I've only ever heard of maybe like two or three or four other people with my disability, so it's a bit different.

But there might be a disability rights or access or advocacy group that is at least a social place where you can go to talk to people and to get involved in things, and they will have access needs.

This situation is nobody's fault

I think that there is an aspect of this situation that is nobody's fault, and is a good example of being long distance—a situation that is unavoidable in terms of— there's nothing that your partner can do. It's like if you were long distance and you couldn't see your partner and you both were sad about it. There isn't anything that your partner could do to address that situation and fix that situation, right?

But I think that in this specific case, it's really important for your partner to make the effort. And you do say that you don't have to worry about access when your partner's with you, you don't feel disabled, and that's great.

Your partner can help with the admin

I'm going to assume and hope that he acknowledges and is willing to listen to you about the social barriers that you face, because I have been with partners who have faced social barriers that I do not face in terms of their dating life, and there wasn't anything that I could do about it.

It wasn't necessarily anybody's fault, other than society being shit. I mean, it's society's fault, but you know what I mean. But I was still wanting to be there for them, not only in listening to them being frustrated about their experiences dating, or them being frustrated by their experiences and accessing spaces that were supposed to be safe for them.

But also I personally, and even as a friend, I would do this, and that's why I'm wondering—have you reached out to—yes, you've lost your social network since you've moved, but both your partner and your friends can help you with some of the admin. When you were describing that situation of you found this party and figuring out access is so difficult—do you have a friend that you can call and be like, "Hey, look, I want to go to this thing, but I don't see anything on here about access needs. Could you call them for me?"

Can he help you with that? Is he willing to, kind of, if there are regular polyam events, is he willing to be an advocate for you so that you don't have to be the one always asking about access? Is he willing to take some of that burden off of your shoulder?

Because I have done that for partners who wanted to be part of safer spaces that they didn't know if they would be allowed to be a part of because of their gender expression or the way that people would interpret their gender expression. I have been like, you know, when they felt overwhelmed and didn't want to be personally rejected, I've been like, "Let me ask. I will be the one to ask. I will be the one to email. I will take some of that admin off of your shoulders."

Can he put on accessible events?

Is he willing to—is he interested in putting on events? Can he put on an event that you can attend, a polyamory speed dating event that fully embraces and welcomes all different people and is accessible for you? Is he interested in doing any of those things? Because, I mean, he might not be able to put on events, but if there are specific things, you can research things that you're interested in—can he take on some of that? And can your friends?

Because if I had a friend, even though I moved countries, so I completely lost most of my social network when I moved countries, and I would still, you know, if I had a friend who was in London and was like, "I really want to go to this party, but I don't know if it's accessible," I'll call them. I'll email them for you.

Can you get together in a group chat some of your friends who you need help from, and they're willing to help you with that, because that's what mutual aid is all about. That's what friends and a social network should be for. And even if they're not physically in the same city as you, they might still be able to help you out with stuff like that, and take some of this admin off of your shoulders.

Mutual aid to support disabled people

Because, yeah, it's stupid and you shouldn't have to do all this. It should be obvious what is accessible and what is not. And shit, if you were my friend, I would be like, "Oh my god. You like comedy. You like stand-up. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to find, do some research, and ask all—find all the major venues that are around you and that would put on stand-up. And I'm going to email them and ask them if they're wheelchair accessible, and I'm going to make a list for you of all the venues that are wheelchair accessible, or all of the places where they've promised wheelchair access.

And I'm going to find a list, you know, find, if you tell me which comedians you like, I'm going to find out if they're coming to the city, or if you just want to try new comedians. I'm going to look for social events and a list of social events in your area, and I'm going to call and message all of these venues.

Should I do that for you? Email me. Your friends can help you with this stuff, and they should, they should want to help you with this stuff.

It's a combination of unavoidable grief and practical help

And this is about, you know, it's a combination of shit that is unavoidable. You're going to have grief about what's happened to you. You're going to have grief about being in a shitty, ableist society of people who act like dicks. And if I had a friend who was going through that I would want—I'd be like, "Talk to me about it. I can't fix that situation, but I want to hear about it. If you want me to check your email or check your messages before you have to see them, screen them for you—fuck. I'll do that. I'll look and make sure, and then you never have to see any of that shit. I will absolutely do that."

You know, these are things that your partner can help with. Your friends can help you with, even if they're not in the same city as you. They should want to help you with this stuff. We can solve these problems, of admin shit and dealing with this stuff by working together.

Check out the Nuclear Fusion app

Also, I wanted to point out— I would check out a friend of mine who is on Instagram at Remodeled Love. They have a thing called the Nuclear Fusion app, and it's all about helping folks find, sustain, and build and sustain modern villages and chosen family.

And you know those people—get on that app. Maybe you've got people local to you who would love to talk to you, would love to help you out. Love to help figure out access to stuff, who maybe are people going through the same thing you're going through. So check out the Nuclear Fusion app. It's also on Instagram, nuclear fusion app. I feel like I'm saying it wrong. Anyway, check out the app. I think you might be able to find people.

Try anarchist and leftist events

Also go to anarchist events. Go to leftist events. You know, as difficult sometimes as the communities can be, those events sometimes—they don't have to be polyam events, and they will, they might have access. I mean, I don't know what town you're in, so it's so hard, because you could be in a very small town, or not a very urban place, or a place where there aren't a lot of people, so there isn't a lot of information about access. So I'm not sure of that.

But a lot of times, if they don't have the access information listed, they're at least not going to be hostile. And I know I have definitely heard of friends who have had the experience where people say something's wheelchair accessible and it's fucking not. But as much as you can, you can try and find those communities and seek those things out. And I really genuinely hope that this isn't something that you've already tried and hasn't worked.

There's a part of this you can't fix, but you can help

But I do think that, yeah, there's an aspect of this situation that is just shit and difficult. And you know, just like when I had a partner who had those issues with their gender expression and the way that society saw them, there's a part of that that I couldn't fix for them, and I would have fixed, I would fix for all of my friends who face similar issues.

And it's the same with my friendships. I have friends who face social obstacles that I can't fix, that I wish that I could fix—social oppressions and all sorts of shit. And I'm sure they wish the same for me, if they don't experience the same things I've experienced.
But I can help them with stuff, and I can do my best. I can do some of that admin. I can pitch in. These are things that we should be doing for one another, and these are things we can do for one another.

We don't think of asking friends for help

And I think we just, we don't always think of those things, right, because we're kind of in that mono-centric society, and in that mono-centric kind of cultural landscape, it's your partner that's supposed to be the one to do everything for you, and that becomes really difficult in the ways that you've described. But there's no reason why friends can't help you out with this. There's no reason why—your partner could do some of the admin stuff, but also even your friends, being in other cities, they can help you out.

So I would definitely also really consider reaching out and asking for that type of help, and reaching out and asking your social networks that you've left, even though you've left, ask them for support. When I have gone through stuff, like I said, I moved to another country, whole other country. I lost my social network completely. I started completely from scratch. And I have friends here, but you know, there are people that I know that I didn't always have friends that were super close to me, and I went through a lot of stuff, and I just had to call—make the regular calls with my friends. I reached out to people sometimes. It's about asking for that help from those people.

And I know, and I have had friends who have needed help, and who are all the way in the US—not even people from the UK, but all the way in the US. Well, I'm more than happy to help. If there's any way that I can help them, if I can take a little bit of burden off of their shoulders, you know, if they're like, "I really love going to these types of activities," fuck it. Give me 20 minutes. I will search in their town for all the activities that they could possibly want to go to. And I'll email all those places.

I'll get on the phone and call, and I don't like calling nobody, but I'll get on the phone and call them and ask them if they're wheelchair accessible. And ask them if they don't know—well, my friend is using a wheelchair, and I need to know if this place is wheelchair accessible. I do that for my friends. I think your friends would do that for you. So I would reach out for help.

Sex workers might be an option

Another thing that I might consider, and this is something that, you know, it depends on where you are and the legal issues. I'm not advising you to do illegal things, but there are sex workers who work with people with disabilities or disabled people, and that is an option, because I have definitely—I know that some people might feel a way about that, but I feel like my personal experience is that actually, a lot of sex workers are trauma-informed, a lot of sex workers are understanding of boundaries.

And there might be situations where you could have fun and you could have a good experience without having somebody ask those types of questions, or you tell somebody your access needs, and they will be respectful of them. And actually, you know, even the sex workers might know of really friendly and great social places to hang out that are actually accessible as well. So there's also that aspect of, depending on where you are, that might be something that could also be helpful in the short term, if you're thinking about just having some fun experiences.

Kink spaces can be accessible too

That is also something—I'd also check out, sometimes kink can be accessible. Kinky people can be accessible. And it's not to say that your disability is a kink. Not saying that, but I do think that in terms of making things a welcoming, consentful place—consentful, that's a word—sometimes kink places can be friendly about questions and requests and things like that, and not be immediately like, "Why are you asking? You're giving me a hard time." Not saying that's always the case. You know, your mileage may vary, but yeah.

To summarise

To summarise, yeah, local disability groups, disability rights organisations—they might have social gatherings, but also they might have a list of accessible venues, or a list of accessible activities, things like that. They might be able to help.

Your partner, it's really important that your partner is able to kind of listen to you talk a little bit about these struggles. It doesn't necessarily mean—I know you have a therapist, and that's really good. But I think sometimes, especially just having your partner hear and say, "You know, this is really unfair, and I'm sorry that you have to deal with this"—that can be really helpful, and I hope that—it sounds like your partner is super supportive, but that is important.

Maybe see if your partner is interested—if he's all excited about all this stuff. Can he use this to his advantage—not his advantage, but can he utilise his ability to be independent and put on an event that would be accessible for you? Can he take away some of the admin for you? Can your friends take away some of this admin for you? Because I think that that would be—reach out to your circle, even if they're not in the same village, same city as you. Maybe they can still help with some of that admin.

Check out that Nuclear Fusion app that I talked about, and you might be able to find more supportive people locally to you, or people that will help you out, and that can make this a little bit easier for you.

And then, yeah, there might—if it's illegal, and again, I'm not advising you to do illegal things. If it's legal where you are, then a sex worker might be a short-term option for just the ability to have new and fun experiences with someone who will be supportive and trauma-informed. Not every sex worker is, but that might be something that you could look into as well.

I don't fully understand and know all of what you're going through personally, but I can relate to the feeling of feeling like you can't be as independent as you want to be, and being really frustrated by that. And I'm glad that you have a therapist, and I'm glad you have someone to talk through these things with, because I think that's really important.

And yeah, I'm just—I just have to say I'm sorry that society is so shitty. And I genuinely hope that people get better at access needs, that things become more accessible and that people stop being so fucking shitty to you on dating apps. Mate, I'm so sorry. That's just fucking shit.

If you send me your city and let me know what kind of stuff you like to do, I'll call some venues for you. I don't fucking care. I'll demand to know. I will do that for you, because I think that, you know, a problem shared is a problem halved, as they say, and there's no reason why we can't all pitch in to make things a little bit better.

And it's for the venues' benefit too. If they have to figure out whether or not they're accessible for you, then that will only bring them more business. And that's always, you know, if you want to be real smarmy about it, you can always pitch that to them that way.

So yeah, I hope this helps, and good luck.