Hiding Another Relationship

I’ve been dating Pete for about 4 months. Pete is very attentive and devoted, we are extremely in tune to one another, we have a lot of interests and life experiences in common, he is open with his feelings, he cooks for me, he is a good listener, and the intimacy and sex is the best I’ve experienced in my life so far. We have both developed strong feelings for one another. He feels I am his person and soul mate.

I’ve only been in monogamous relationships before. At the beginning Pete told me he had grown apart from and was currently broken up with Ana, the mother of his elementary school age child, Andrea. 

What Pete did not tell me in the beginning was that he has an open relationship with Ana. He described it as roommates who are no longer having sex, but are still friends who love one another, are deeply committed to one another, having supported one another through hardship. Ana has recently come out as bisexual.

Pete had a very hard childhood with significant abandonment, his father left abruptly at a very young age, and his mother neglected him and dated abusive men. Therefore, Pete explained that it’s critical to him to actively remain in Andrea’s life every day as her father.

Pete told Ana about me from the beginning, but as our dating progressed, Ana explained to Pete that she still expects affection and attention from him, and also, again/later at some point, sex. 

Ana knows that Pete and I are having sex, Pete says that Ana is okay with this and supports our dating because she wants him to be happy. When I ask Pete how could Ana not be unsatisfied with this setup because she’s not getting the intimacy she wants from a 10 year relationship, he gets upset and says that he tries to please everyone but it just doesn’t work. He also said that he’s scared that if he has sex with Ana again that I’ll break up with him.

Pete has also said he really wants to have another child so that Andrea is not lonely. Pete has told me several times that he’s afraid of losing me. We weren’t dating for very long when Pete asked me if I wanted to meet Ana, and asked me several times if I’ll consider a triad with the two of them. He has told Ana about me, and he says that Ana cares about me. Deep within me I feel it would be very hard to impossible to share Pete with Ana in a full and equality intentioned triad long term romantic relationship.

I have gone back and forth several times unable to clearly come to a firm decision on whether to continue in this relationship. I recently decided on a specific date next month after which I planned to end the relationship. Ana is getting the full-time relationship, notwithstanding that per Pete he’s having sex with me but not with Ana. Pete ostensibly agreed to this breakup/transition timing plan, including saying that he will respect me whenever I reach the point that I’m ready to start dating other men after this relationship ends, but he has since backed off of that and says he wants to continue dating me and that we can figure out a way to make it work.

I have done a lot of research, including reading books on polyamory, and despite a lot of thought and journaling I mostly feel ongoing sadness. I distinctly feel like the “other” despite being told by Pete that I’m not.

When I talked to Pete about my intention to transition to friendship/end the relationship next month, and then planning to take a pause from dating, before I start dating again, and when he’d earlier brought up the topic of polyamory (the triad with Ana) he said he would not be comfortable with me dating other men.

One of my goals was to build a life that offers me peace, love, and serenity. This relationship is bringing me love, but not peace or serenity, and I’ve experienced increased physical and mental stresses in the last four months.

Honestly, I really wish I had some other hopeful advice for you, but there are so many issues that are coming up around this situation for me.

I would invite you to examine the depth of your feelings -- that already within four months of knowing this man you feel like he is your "soul mate". This is new relationship energy talking, which you may not have a lot of experience with if you have been married and not dating for 15 years. It's normal to feel excited about a new connection, but four months is not that long and I would avoid rushing into such deep commitments and exclamations of love for someone you've known for such a short time.

The second huge issue for me is the fact that he lied to you from the beginning. It's not up to me to tell you how to define cheating, but if someone was not only in an open relationship with someone but also had a child and didn't tell me until I started dating them, I would consider that suspect at best and lying at worst. He cheated on Ana and... pretty much doesn't seem to really be that interested in being truthful going forward. Is he really that open with his feelings if he's totally hidden his life from you? Until you were committed? Is that an open person?

The third huge issue for me is already within four months you know this much about Pete's childhood but I wonder how much he really knows about yours. And personally as someone whose parents stayed together "for the kids"... yeah, it made sense in the 90s but in 2025, the idea that a child is broken by having shared custody is nonsense.

You know far too much about what happens in Ana and Pete's relationship as well and I have no idea why Pete is telling you this other than to keep you on his side and keep you hooked into the drama so you accept the fact that not only has he hidden Ana from you but that you feel sorry for him as some sort of victim of circumstance. He's not. He's a grown man.

The fourth huge issue for me is springing a triad on you – while also admitting he would not treat Ana equally. And then he springs a closed triad on you. It's totally fine for him to be able to have two women on the go but I guess you're not allowed to have sex with other men?

Just... There's so much about this that is you being put into a pot and him slowly turning up the temperature without you even realising it. There is no peace or serenity because of the new relationship energy but Pete is not the only person who could give you this. You could find it with someone who is actually caring and open with his feelings.

I want you to think honestly about what is happening here and ask yourself if someone who was so attentive, loving, and in tune with you have lied to you about being in an open relationship from the beginning, be asking you to adopt a relationship style that you don't have any interest in, and make you feel like the "other"?

It doesn't sound like to me that this is something you want. And I would really, really avoid people who only know you for four months, are already in a relationship with someone else, and claim you are their "soul mate". Put yourself in Ana's shoes. How would you feel?

He is making out that he is this sad victim torn between two women and a child but really... he didn't have to date you from the start. He chose to do that. He chose to hide the truth from you. He chose to string you along. And he is choosing now to try and trap you into a closed triad that you have no interest in.

Think about this and ask yourself if you deserve much, much better. I'm sorry for what you've gone through and it's understandable to get swept up in new feelings but I have no doubt you could find someone who treats you better than this.

I hope this helps and good luck!