Navigating Non-Monogamy Post Affair

My partner of 10 years cheated with his co-worker (who was at the time already ethically non-monogamous with her husband) six months ago, the affair had been going on about a year. Before the cheating me and my partner had been discussing about opening our relationship but I was too scared of abandonment so I wasn’t ”ready” (I don’t know if this is relevant?). 

Well, eventually the co-worker said that she can’t continue this unethical relationship if I don’t know about it - so fastfoward my partner tells me about it, says he loves me and her, wants to be with me and also with her etc. Takes full responsibility and wants to treat me right and be honest about his feelings. He kept the affair secret because ”he didn’t want to lose me” and, of course, was scared of the consequences of his actions I think.

Now I’ve been doing a lot better mentally than six months ago. The thing I’m struggling the most with right now is that I feel like the biggest loser sometimes. My friends are constantly asking me why the co-worker (aka metamour now) is still in my partners life. Why didn’t my partner leave her for me? And even though it was tough for me to admit but how could I make him leave someone who has became so important to him? Someone who is his genuine friend, who makes his life better and improves his self-esteem.

But that question brings me shame - should I make those ultimatums? My therapist said that this situation is ”unsustainable” and ”some couples therapist wouldn’t even take us in because she (the co-worker) is still involved”. And that my partner should do more to repair our relationship. But he is doing a lot and the sad reality is that he’s only human (or am I too emphatetic?). I don’t even know what I could ask from him that I haven’t already asked to make this easier. 

I think the situation is unsustainable because I’m hurt and betrayed, my partner is feeling guilty and remorseful and trying to juggle two relationships and the metamour is struggling with guilt and shame because of the affair. Sooo maybe someone will lose it at some point! 

And I think the question isn’t that should the co-worker and my partner continue to date each other. The real question is: are me and my partner compatible anymore? And even though I really, really don’t want to and I want to make this work - I think it’s me that will walk away if this doesn’t work. But I feel like no one understands my point and everyone thinks that things would be alright if he just breaks up with his metamour. But the betrayal has already happened and my partner wants to be non-monogamous even if he and his metamour would break up. 

I’m taking my time to heal and we are really trying to repair our relationship. And I’ve felt genuine excitement that now I can also experience the same experiences my partner has through non-monogamy. But of course I’m still feeling things out if this is for me or not. If this relationship is for me or not.

So, what my question is… do I sound like a complete fool to you? Are my thoughts naive and complete nonsense? I would love to get your insights on this. Thank you.

First thing's first, your partner's co-worker was not ethically non-monogamous with her husband. If she helped your partner cheat, she is not ethical by definition. Even if she later felt she couldn't continue because you didn't know, she willfully started it and continued it knowing that you did not know. So she already is massively unethical. The fact that it was losing her that made your husband come clean means that he didn't take full responsibility, in my opinion. Taking full responsibility would have meant deciding of his own accord to tell you, not waiting until he had no other choice.

You're absolutely right that you are the one that has to walk away because, as far as I can see, your partner has and continues to demonstrate that he behaves in a cowardly manner. I am a lot more understanding than I used to be about cheating. Sometimes things happen and adults make mistakes. And I do believe that a healthy, sustainable polyamorous relationship can come from cheating, even if the person who they cheated with is still involved. But that comes with an ultra large caveat around the circumstances of the cheating. Cheaters who do not confess of their own accord and only do so when forced do so... that does not bode well to me.

I wish I had better news for you OP, but I think both your partner and his girlfriend have demonstrated extremely poor judgement and complete disregard for your feelings. She actually had more respect for you than your own partner, but still lacked the respect for herself and you to not help your husband cheat. Despite all this, here you are trying to feel bad about his guilt and remorse and "juggling two relationships" and her guilt and shame -- I have such anger on your behalf OP! To be explicit, to hell with their guilt and shame! If after a year of cheating behind your back at work, he is now struggling to "juggle two  relationships"... good lord. Maybe they both should have thought about that when they cheated the first time... and the second time... and for the entire year that they hid this from you. And after all, she's there to help his self-esteem! What are you? Chopped liver? Afraid to lose you? But not so afraid that he couldn't just be honest? After the first time it happened... let alone a year?

The question I think you need to ask yourself is that even if this were some you were totally compatible with, would it still be acceptable for them to treat you this way? The question I think you need to ask yourself is why after ten years of being with you did you not deserve a little more patience, respect and to have a partner be honest with you? The question you need to ask yourself is why don't you believe you deserve better than this and why are you extending this compassionate, empathetic interpretation of the situation to two people who spent a whole year not giving a single solid gold plated chicken fried fuck about whether or not what they were doing would hurt you?

You're trying desperately to make lemons out of lemonade and be excited about finding a new relationship in a lifestyle you're not even sure you really want, that you have been forced into. I think you can have that excitement about finding a whole ass other partner who won't cheat on you and lie to you for a year and then only confess to it when he has been given an ultimatum. I get that after ten years, it's scary to walk away and you don't mention if you share owned property or have children together. It makes it harder to separate. But I would, if in your situation, much rather find a new monogamous partner who was not cowardly in their actions than stay even a second longer with someone who treated me this way. Personally, I wouldn't even bother giving this guy an ultimatum. I would just leave.

You deserve better, OP. I hope that you demand better for yourself from any relationship you enter. I hope this helps and good luck.