Partner Wants to Quit Polyamory

My partner is new to poly. He dived in headfirst with a new interest who kind of convinced him to try, and he and I had been friends with benefits for a long time but also clearly sharing feelings so we decided to try a more intentional poly relationship.

The hurts are generally low grade conflicts; in terms of him and I, on Sunday he disclosed that he'd started dating again after taking a break and that a few significant things had happened several weeks ago, and he just hadn't mentioned anything to me. 

I expressed that I felt hurt that he hadn't shared that with me, mostly because I'm his partner and I care about him! That I didn't need anything but for him to hear that I was hurting and be sorry. But his other interest... well, that's where it's more complicated. I'm actually concerned there's been some manipulative and controlling behaviour from this new interest who introduced him to poly, and apparently is very poly experienced, but then requested he stop dating new people for a time, and made very early demands (like within a fortnight of meeting one another) for 3 days a week of his time for example, and then saying that it hurts them if he isn't meeting that standard (which of course they are free to say and request.

But it's a big ask and my partner has clearly not spent the time figuring out their own needs and whether they can meet those request, they just want to be chosen). He does have some heavy baggage following a marriage breakdown and really internalising the blame for that because of hurt he knows he caused his ex-wife - to be explicit, he caught an STI while engaging in ENM connections and I think that was the final straw in a trust breakdown.

But actually as a result of this, he said last night that he doesn't think he can do polyamory. That he thinks he needs to end both relationships. I'm quite devastated naturally, because I'd been intentionally taking things slow with him as a FWB and could see he was still clearly carrying baggage from past relationships. He seemed positive and excited so I jumped in too, even though I was concerned he wasn't ready (and hadn't spent much time reading or researching)

And, we've been friends (and with benefits for most of that time) for 2 years. It's very frustrating that this new connection has effectively created an issue for us by convincing him that he's poly, but I'm also fully aware that it's on my partner to have been managing his needs (and being honest about whether he actually was ready) and his part of our relationship. I also wonder if his big feelings about hurting people is effectively avoidance of accountability.

I also think he definitely is hard on himself and I've tried really hard to provide a loving voice in that space; that he's human and I don't expect him to never make mistakes. I'm finding it hard to be objective. I do think I've been carrying more of the emotional burden and people pleasing, and I've been working to unpack that. I have seen that he's been responsive to my needs at times. But there's been some lying by omission to try and avoid hurting me, I suspect.

I agree that there's an inevitability of hurting people in any relationship and that he probably has some work to do in therapy for himself. I wish I could walk alongside him in that, but perhaps I just can't until he's done some of that work.

There's a lot going on here.

In terms of your first conflict that you mentioned, I feel like wanting him to just hear that you were hurting and be sorry isn't actually an accurate reflection of what you wanted. It doesn't seem like you had any hard line agreements on disclosure of relationship shifts, especially if you're a FWB where most people tend to interpret this as more casual.

Did you want to make an agreement about that? It doesn't seem like this is something he should apologise for. It seems like what happens a lot of times when things aren't explicitly discussed and it's really no one's fault. If you didn't make any overt agreements of the timelines of when he had to notify you about things, then he didn't do anything wrong. So what is he apologising for? And did you actually just want an apology? Or did you want changed behaviour? It seems like a little mixed messaging there.

When it comes to the other interest he has, I think here you might be overstepping your responsibility here. You know a lot about his other relationship and if you were a friend with no romantic or sexual involvement with him, you would be able to be a listening ear for other relationships, provide your opinion about what's going on, and generally help him in that regard. But I don't think you're in this position right now. You're not an objective third party. The way you speak about him is as if he's not an adult who's capable of making his own decisions. While this interest may influence him, he is the one making these decisions. He is the one accepting these terms. You also keep blaming these things on him being new to polyamory, but really reading doesn't protect people from making agreements they don't want. Reading also isn't going to stand in for therapy he may need for other issues in his relationships.

You seem quite sure of what he's done inside of his own head (such as figuring out his needs) but yet he knows he needs well enough to outright tell you he doesn't think he can do polyamory, which is actually a huge sign of self-awareness. Sometimes we don't know what we want until we have experiences, and that sucks, but he doesn't read to me as someone who doesn't know. He's saying so outright. You say that you have been carrying the emotional burden here but I have to ask if that was something he requested of you or is it a role you took on yourself because it makes you feel more in control of the situation? I have done this a lot of times in all of my relationships and stepped in as The Adult and took charge even when nobody asked me to and then became frustrated and angry when nobody thanked me for it or recognised me for it.

Everyone has work to do on themselves. We're all works in progress. But what he's done here is part of that progress. I would encourage you to divest in the thinking that there is some echelon that reading and therapy will get to you where you don't hurt anyone, you don't make mistakes, and you don't end relationships. Ending relationships isn't a sign of failure. Him being aware enough to be honest with you is him doing the work, not a result of a lack of work. Maybe there are things he needs to work on and he didn't write to me so I can't advise him of that. But I can say that it might help you to think about how much responsibility you take on for the management of relationships that you're not involved in.

It might be worth considering more stringent boundaries for how much you know about your partner's other relationships in the future, especially if it leads you towards wanting to mentor them and especially if they are new to polyamory. While that might seem a little bit cold, it's actually important to know when to step back when it comes to other grown adults and what they decide to do with themselves and, if it bleeds into our relationships, know when to put down some boundaries so you can thrive within that relationship.

I hope this helps and good luck!