Rebuilding Trust After an Ultimatum

If I’m being honest my poly journey with my NP has been incredibly difficult. My partner wasn’t upfront about the dynamic the wanted when we first started dating. I asked them straight up what they were wanting, and they said due to the negative experiences they had with polyamory that they weren’t interested in that dynamic. A situation happened where their friend called “just to seduce them” and it caught me off guard (it happened in front of me, phone on speaker), so I decided to clarify what type of dynamic we were going for.

I wouldn’t exactly say I am poly- I am perfectly fine being poly or mono. I told my partner this from the very beginning, and that all that mattered to me was clear intentions on what to expect from our relationship. When I asked again what dynamic they wanted, they again stated they wanted monogamy. It wasn’t until last August (2024) that they told me they wanted a poly relationship- after giving me an ultimatum out of nowhere that left me kind of spiraling.

Recently, like last month, we got into an argument after I expressed my need for transparency to rebuild trust with them because they’ve done a few things that have broken that trust. This led to a full blown screaming match that resulted in them deciding we will no longer shared a room. Change is already hard, but this change feels almost like a punishment for me sharing my feelings and needs. Many times throughout our relationship they have urged me or pushed me to be open about my feelings because I tend to shut down & isolate to process my feelings and move forward.

They shared that my process often left them feeling disconnected from me or like I’m pushing them away. I told them that I was worried/afraid that me sharing my feelings or thoughts would cause them to be upset with me, and that’s not what I wanted. They would push anyway, then almost always react in the exact way that made me not want to share. I found myself having to comfort them for my hurt feelings more than I was being comforted or reassured over said hurt feelings.

I can acknowledge that since that blow up fight, I have noticed their effort to be more receptive, less defense, and less dismissive- however, that change has been nearly as long as my experience without that effort, so I still feel on edge about sharing. Their response threw me off, simply because they aren’t very in-tune with their feelings.

They tend to keep their feelings close to their chest. And what led me to urging them to be more open about their feelings was because I kept noticing that they only shared their feelings or grievances with me when I was addressing my feelings or grievances with them. I told them that it felt like they were doing it to push my feelings aside while we focused on theirs. That made them go “so when am I allowed to share my feelings” & “am I not allowed to have feelings about things too?” and it made me feel even more like I’m the problem in our relationship.

In regard to the trip to see an old flame, it isn’t the first time I’ve spent time with someone I’m interested in having a romantic relationship with. But it is my first time traveling out of state to see another person. And I am worried about how it will make my partner feel. They have expressed feeling jealous about my relationship/connection with my old flame.

On top of that, throughout this journey, I know I haven’t handle them seeing or entertaining others well. A lot of it was me not really knowing how to or feeling like I could express my needs. Most of it was me recognizing how little I seem to matter when another person has their attention/interest. At first I thought, maybe it’s just really intense NRE, but even when it was a person my partner themselves told me they weren’t all that interested in was still getting more time, attention, and affection than me- more so getting the very things that it felt I had to beg them for. I’m worried that if I have any struggles or issues in this similar realm, that me going on this trip will be held over me or thrown in my face as a “how can you be bothered by xyz when I didn’t make an issue about you going to see a person that you know I feel jealous about.” I’m not sure if any of that makes sense.

Basically, I wanted reassurance that feeling anxious about this trip is normal. I’m excited to see this person, I’m just scared for what it could me for my current relationship. And for the other part, I guess I wanted to know if I was wrong to feel on edge about being open & honest, and if it was fair for my partner to say “well how can you want or expect me to be open with my feelings, if you won’t?” Also to answer one of your questions, I am currently in therapy.

It's normal that you feel anxious to go on this trip. It's also normal that you feel anxious generally.

In a reference that may go over the heads of many, love is, in fact, not a battlefield. Your partners, whether you're monogamous or polyamorous, and you should be on the same team. And while comparisons can be helpful and useful when it comes to understanding your own needs and how you want to be treated, it shouldn't be about keeping score. It concerns me that you always seem to be afraid of not really your partner's feelings but of punishment from your partner.

Everyone feels nervous to expose their feelings to their partners, but if the result is a screaming match and you being essentially kicked out of your own room, then I can't blame you for not wanting to share your feelings. Your anxiety makes sense if sharing your feelings in the past has ended with these types of things happening and no further discussion or apology regarding these incidents has happened.

This on top of the fact that your partner has not been honest from the beginning about wanting to be polyamorous -- or at least not clear to you that they were still considering the dynamic -- and then sprung it on you via an ultimatum... I just don't feel like this represents a good pattern in a relationship that would make you feel like you are able to voice your concerns. You mention how you often feel like you have to comfort them and don't feel like you get comfort or reassurance. It's actually not necessarily an issue that you might require a little time or thought to process your emotions before you share them with somebody. As long as you aren't hiding them and you're able to bring things up later on, there really shouldn't be an issue.

I don't feel like this would work very well even in monogamy. For whatever reason, what you've written to me demonstrates a pattern of just not being honest with you and then when you are honest with them, it leads to a screaming match and being kicked out of a room with them. It's not necessarily great that you seemed to be screaming back, but this doesn't really feel like a place where you have the freedom to be yourself. I think the bigger question you might want to ask you is whether or not the way your partner treats you now is the way that you would treat this old flame you want to see.

Is part of the excitement of seeing this old flame is that it might be a romantic connection with someone who you can share your feelings with without fear of a punishment? Are you sharing your feelings with your current partner because you hope things will change or because you're basically being pushed to share them?

Normally, I might encourage you to have a RADAR as well as scheduled dedicated and intentional time but I am wondering if you may want to contend with these bigger questions first. Really ask yourself if there is a  way to properly rebuild trust in this context and how many chances you're going to give someone to rebuild trust with you. Your anxiety in this situation is not only expected even if you felt comfortable sharing your feelings, but even more so

I hope this helps and good luck!