When Your Polyamorous Partner Dates More Than You Do

I've been in a NM relationship for about about 4 month. After a 10 year long monogamous relationship. We've connected very quickly and very deeply. My partner has another more "primary" partner (he sees both of us a few times a week) and is doing a great job at splitting his time. He also has a bit of what I'd consider an addiction to dating.

He will still go on a lot of dates and play with other people (he has trouble being alone and if he has a free day, he'll instantly book a date) I, personally, don't understand the need for constant female attention but I'm learning that it's not for me to understand why others need what they need. 

What I'm finding difficult is that I am deeply in love and I don't feel the need to always be with other men.Though I have been (however, the sex is never as fulfilling and I never orgasm with other people). I've pushed myself into dating as I'm thinking that maybe if I had another partner, I'd understand how it's possible to feel so deeply about more than one person. I don't always feel comfortable with the fact that he's in love with someone else too and I'm trying really heard to work on it. But my jealousy sometimes makes me very sad and I keep wondering if it will get better or if I'll have to eventually consider whether the pain is worth it. 

Again, he's very giving, attentive and communication is amazing (he's well versed in NM and is one of the organizers of a NM organization in our city). I really believe that monogamy is not a sustainable thing for me but my need to be the focus of his attention is starting to weigh on me.

Sometimes one of the more difficult things that come up within polyamory is seeing how your partner dates, which you don't often get the chance to see in monogamy and so it doesn't become an issue. Different people date and love in different ways and they aren't always directly comparable or translatable.

During one of my long term relationships, I remember having a discussion with a partner where they mentioned how they didn't have other partners and I was like, "What are you talking about? You have tons of other partners." They dated and saw other people regularly in ways that I would consider, if I did the same, those people as "partners" but they did not. I struggled sometimes with fear when they had a new partner – only they didn't call it a partner – in wondering where I stood, especially because we were hierarchical so I had more to lose than these other partners did.

What I see you doing here is kind of projecting yourself onto your partner in a way that's a little bit unfair, even to the point of assuming "addiction". If he really liked to go to the movie theatre and didn't like sitting at home alone and would go see a movie when he had a free night, would you say he's "addicted" to the movie theatre? Probably not.

Some people genuinely enjoy dating. They love getting to meet up with new people, getting to know them, and sometimes they enjoy the sexual aspect of this but sometimes it doesn't have to be that for them to enjoy it. I don't get it personally. I absolutely hate dating. I would have to be addicted to force myself to date that much – but this is me. And perhaps we are both alike. But this doesn't mean your partner has to behave this way.

You say that he is giving, attentive and communicative. He's great at splitting his time. He doesn't make you feel like an afterthought so it seems like the primary issue here is that you're projecting your own needs onto him and telling yourself a story about how you're not enough. You might not feel the need to date around -- and that's fine. But your partner may just be different. Your brain is scared to lose this connection and you have likely grown up in a mono-centric society that's already scared you're not following the social script. This is causing alarm bells in your brain and your brain is looking for a problem where one doesn't actually exist.

It's possible that you do want more time with him and polyamory is not for you because you will not get the same amount of time with one partner that you would typically get within a monogamous relationship but I would ask yourself if that is truly the case or if you're just expecting your partner to behave the way you would and therefore feel freaked out by the fact that he's not. Consider the fact that, if you were monogamous, he would still be this person, you just wouldn't have really seen this side of him fully. Maybe he would have enjoyed flirting with people even as a monogamous person, but maybe he would have toned that down knowing it wouldn't have been socially acceptable. It depends.

So it comes down to doing some personal introspection. Are you okay with getting the time he has to give you? Do you enjoy the time you spend alone? Personally, I hate dating but I enjoy having my independence and I like my alone time, so I am absolutely okay with not getting all of my partner's attention and I don't want the typical monogamous setup. I think the emotional side of feeling nervous about him feeling strongly for someone else is something that's almost separate to work on which may resolve itself if you can accept that someone's pattern of dating may not be like yours and that doesn't necessarily mean that you mean less to them. But even if you are okay with that and can reframe your perspective, if you actually want more time than you're getting, that will come up again.

To answer your question, I don't think any form of non-monogamy is universally easier for anybody. And sometimes I think being the "primary" partner means you have a lot more to lose and therefore can increase anxiety rather than make you feel safer. When it comes down to it, I think you need to do some soul searching. Do you have an anchor which I discuss in my 101 article, or a personal reason for being interested in polyamory or are you trying it out purely just to be with this person? I think rather than considering hierarchical non-monogamy, you should focus instead on considering if this is about wanting more time or assuming your partner loves and dates the same way you do.

I hope this helps and good luck!