Anxiety and Co-habitation in Polyamory

My partner and I have been together for over four years and living together for almost as long.

I have been in open/polyamorous relationships in the past, but never for my own needs. I'm not interested in other partners, but I'm not always able to provide for certain physical needs for a variety of reasons (mental and physical health, general disinterest, and being "fraysexual"). I recognize that a large majority of people need sex, including my partner, so they are able to seek this elsewhere. My partner has also been in poly relationships—when we first started dating, they had a long-term partner, but they broke up within six months of us being together.

Neither of us wants additional romantic partners or even friends with benefits; they are just interested in having their needs met.

The problem is that, theoretically, I don't have any issue with this and don't particularly feel negatively when talking about it. However, once they leave the house to meet or hook up with someone, I can't stop myself from panicking. Ultimately, my reactions end up making my partner feel horrible about what they're doing. When they were still with their ex, I didn't have these issues.

I'm in therapy and have an established relationship with my therapist, but I can't seem to figure out what the problem is. It hurts so much to feel this way when I want them to be happy and have their needs met, especially since I encourage them to do this.

When I'm in that panic state, I can't pinpoint what I'm panicking about. I just feel a ball in my chest that won't go away no matter how much I try to sit with it and process, and trying to distract myself doesn't help. One time, they found me in the empty bathtub blasting heavy metal through my headphones, my shirt soaked from crying.

When they get home, I'm frantic and angry, but I can't explain why. Maybe I'm worried they'll leave me for someone who can meet their needs more fully; maybe I'm scared I can't protect them if something happens; maybe I'm just an asshole. Either way, it isn't fair to either of us that I respond this way.

I've been working through it with my therapist for almost two years now, but nothing seems to help. I feel so prepared going into it, but by the end, I just want to cry in a cramped, dark place where no one can find me.

I don't know what to do; I don't understand why I'm like this. I want so badly to not feel like this anymore.

You didn't have the issues with the ex because that relationship was established. You knew what to expect. It seems like their time was divided between you and this other partner so that's how it started and you didn't have anything to lose. You didn't say so, but I am assuming that your partner started spending more of the time that they once spent with their ex with you instead. You live together now and you're used to having this time so now, there is something to lose and time lost to mourn.

Have you ever talked with your partner about what their ideal is? How many other partners do they want to have? How much time do they intend on spending with you versus other partners? You live together, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have scheduled, intentional time with one another. Do you have that?

There is a certain amount of expectation of fear to have and I always advise people to just expect to feel rubbish the first time their partner goes out. Seeing them come back helps over time, but if you have no idea how much your relationship might change with just one single date, that's what you're continuously picking at each time your partner goes out. Think about it this way. Living together gives you some form of feeling of stability. You're singing from the hymn sheet of the cultural script and that is reassuring. But then your partner is going out and dating others, which is not on that script. When that happens in the script you've been given, that is a huge, relationship ending calamity. If you're following the script to reassure yourself when you're together, then following the script when you're apart leads you to... calamity. It makes total sense.

You're not an asshole. You're just scared and that's okay. I'm not promising you that if you have an understanding of intentional time with your partner that you will suddenly feel amazing. But if you understand that your time with your partner is scheduled, it is meant to be there, and it is something that you can count on, that will help ground you a little bit more. Because if you always have that time, you don't have to worry about changes in your partner's other relationships.

See what you and your partner can do about imagining your ideal situations and understanding what time your partner will spend with you versus each other. Your partner should spend the time they intend to have with others away from you so that you don't have to continue to also mourn this loss of time on top of it. I also do have a Fast Track Your Polyamory course which might be helpful for you and your partner. Even though you're not new, it might help you figure out how to set things up easier for both of you. I also would recommend looking at my 101 and 102 articles.

I hope this helps and good luck!