That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I’ve been needing some help with my new relationship. I’m really struggling with the new relationship energy. I’ve been with my partner for almost 6 years now, we just got engaged and the same day, we ended up finding a third partner. We’ve discussed having a third before, but we ultimately ended the idea and decided that I could just get a girlfriend to fill the needs I’ve been missing.

When we found our new partner, we were so confused because we never thought finding a third partner was real, but we were both exited and wanting to change our relationship for this to work. We’ve always discussed making sure the relationships are separate because we have a friend group that is a triad and they never let their man take them on separate dates or really get any separate time with them, so we knew for us we wanted this to be different.

We all agreed to take the relationships separately, and together very seriously. We have great communication, always talk about what’s bothering us, and overall really care a lot about each other.

Where I’m struggling is my existing partner doesn’t seem like he (wants) to be around me as much since we started this. We’ve had issues come up, and jealousy came to play with me the first few times we all hung out. But even after our conversations, they still are somewhat holding me at arms distance. The last time we all hung out was amazing, but I could still feel like he didn’t really want to be around me when he was.

He was generally more involved and happier when spending time with our other partner, even when I was at my best. I’m really struggling with how to deal with this because I’m not trying to be jealous, but it’s really hard not to be when I can physically see my partner not wanting to be around me as much as our new partner. I tried to talk to them about this, and they saw it as an attack that I’m not allowing them to express themselves fully with our new partner but that’s not the case.

I just want him to want be around me as much as I want to be around him AND our new partner. Our partner is long distance so when we do see each other it’s natural for us to want to give more time to her because we don’t get to see her as much, but I still feel forgotten about often.

Another issue is our partner (she) feels like our connection is so strong that they’re trying to strengthen their relationship with him. This hurt me the last time we hung out because it didn’t feel like she wanted to be around me, she really wanted to be around him.

I let them have their alone time and I’ve expressed countless times that I want them to have a separate trip, I even offered to buy his flight for him. For me right now, I just want this to feel normal. We all have an attraction to each other, but because they want to feel more connected to each other it leaves me on the outside. I don’t know what else I can do or say to help alleviate that.

On top of that, he has been treating me differently at home. He doesn’t want to cuddle me or give as much affection, and I rarely hear compliments anymore. It’s making me feel unappreciated and unloved for all the things I do for this man, which is a lot. I don’t want to leave my partner, I love him so much and we’ve cultivated an amazing life together.

But I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay happy in the relationship when I see him giving less happiness and intention towards me and more towards he r. He doesn’t smile at me like he used to, he doesn’t want to kiss or hold me like he used to, but it’s so easy for him to do it with her. I’m really struggling with wanting to keep this triad because it’s amazing and I know it can flourish, but also wanting to leave because my partner is treating me differently and I don’t feel like the y want to connect with me like they do with each other.

Me and him have had many talks. we’ve expressed how we both feel and what we need, but I feel very stuck in how to make the next move and what to do. It’s exceptionally hard because when me and him do talk about things, he sees it as an attack on him. When really I just want to feel heard and understood and find a resolution to our issues. Any advice would be so appreciated because I don’t know what else I can do or say in this time of our relationship.

Response

The first thing I kind of want to highlight is that you say in your letter, and let me find it for a second: you say explicitly that "we have great communication, always talk about what's bothering us, and overall really care a lot about each other." Personally, I feel like if you are telling your partner that something is upsetting you, and it's okay if they're defensive at first, but if they always take it as an attack on them, and they're never able to come to the table with less defensiveness, and if they're never able to come to you with "I don't want you to feel this way" or "I want to solve this problem," if that's all that happens when you bring up issues, is "why are you attacking me?", that's not great communication.

You may be talking about stuff, but nothing is getting resolved, because any time you do bring things up it's seen as an attack, and that is going to encourage you not to bring anything up. That's the only result of that. And like I said, it's understandable for people to get defensive, especially because sometimes when we do talk about feelings, especially in situations like this, it can be so much about not wanting to be the jealous person, but then you obviously can't help it.

Jealousy is totally warranted

This is a very clear case where jealousy is totally fucking warranted and where jealousy is not the enemy, because it makes sense. And you don't want to compare, but at the same time it's kind of hard not to compare in this situation, because you're seeing very visible evidence that your partner is capable of treating someone this way, and they used to treat you that way, and now they're not.

So I just want to point out that this communication is clearly not good, and there may be some aspects of you trying to make this situation a lot better than it is in your mind. Reread what you've written. Try to be a little bit more, I don't want to say negative, but you're flowering it up a bit. And I think that it's a coping mechanism. It's helping you deal with the fact that this is not a great situation to be in, but it's also sometimes preventing you from seeing the problems.

Triads and unrealistic expectations

The other thing I want to say is I hate the use of the word "a third," which has all kinds of problems, and I'm sure that has been pointed out to you if you've been involved in polyamorous communities. If you haven't, I do have an FAQ on my website where I explain using the word "a third" and why people have problems with that. I totally understand. It's super fun when you and your partner fancy the same person. It is so fun. And I get why people want to be in triads, why triads are fun, why the idea is really fun, and sometimes the reality is fun too.

But it is kind of unrealistic to expect that individual relationships will be identical. I don't think there is necessarily any problem with the idea that this new girl might feel more strongly towards your partner than towards you, and nobody should be forced to pretend. That's not what I think you're asking for here. But I just want to give some context to this, because it's very easy in these situations, especially when you and your partner fancy the same person, to think that you're both going to have the same type of feelings, and that it's going to be intense and the same for both of you.

And it isn't always. Sometimes you might get that NRE, it's a new person, just like in monogamy, it's exciting, and then that dies down, and you're like, actually, I don't know if I'm as attracted anymore. That can happen. It's not necessarily because anybody's at fault, though somebody is at fault here, and I'll get to that later. But that can happen. So if you enter a situation like this again going forward, just be kind of realistic with yourself: "okay, we're all into each other right now, this is great", but sometimes relationships develop more organically in certain ways, and you can't always compare apples to oranges.

As much as it's all happy and flowers and so fun, I understand that draw so badly when your partner and you like the same person, it's like hallelujah, I get it. But the idea that everybody's going to like each other in the exact same way is a little bit unrealistic. It doesn't have to end badly, but just be cognizant of that going forward.

The withdrawal of affection is fucked up

Now, what bothers me about this situation, what I'm super angry on your behalf for, is the withdrawal of affection and attention towards you. I generally encourage people not to compare themselves with their metamours, but this is so on the nose, so comically obvious, that it would almost be like gaslighting. It's not gaslighting, but like, literally not wanting to cuddle you as much, like, you know, not saying you should be forced to cuddle you or forced to, but you're clearly experiencing a withdrawal of affection.

You get this kind of feeling when you're all together that they kind of want to be together more so than hang out with you, and that's fine. But what's not fine is making you feel like, "oh no babe, it's just in your mind", it's just a thing, and then you bringing it up and getting "I feel attacked, I feel like I'm not able to express myself." That's not what you're fucking saying. I'm so mad on your behalf, because that is such a hellish situation. To witness somebody who was super affectionate and attentive towards you just slowly stop doing that.

This is triggering me personally

I'll be honest, I think this is triggering me, because I had a friendship that was kind of like this. We were really close, like literally I thought we'd be friends until we died, and our friendship was so strong that I felt like I didn't even necessarily need a romantic partnership in my life because I got so much out of this friendship. And I slowly felt them pulling away from me, and I reacted badly to it. I didn't confront the situation head on, I just stopped talking to them, which was a really stupid thing to do, but hey, I was young and didn't know how to handle conflict.

We tried to reconcile, and their way of reconciling was basically "you have to believe me when I say that you're my friend," which was almost like, without saying it, "you're crazy." And then something happened that I won't go into details about, but it became obvious that they actually didn't want to be that close of friends anymore. I get why people don't know what to do when someone else has super intense feelings and they can't really feel like they mirror those feelings, and not really knowing how to handle that, maybe procrastinating on talking about it.

And then things develop even more, and it might be super awkward for your partner to be in a situation where they do find themselves connecting more strongly with somebody else. It might just be NRE, keep that in mind. And it might also be that, you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Sometimes being away from somebody, you don't get to deal with all of their annoying shit. Especially when you don't live with them, you get all the good parts of them. You don't have to pick up their laundry all the time.

And I kind of wonder if you're the one picking up the laundry, because it kind of sounds like that. But what your partner is doing, the slow withdrawal of affection, is fucked up. It's just inherently fucked up. It's not because he's required to give you a certain amount of affection, you're not walking around with an affectometer measuring how much affection he gives you, you're not making a tally or keeping score. But you can see this happening in front of you, and other people are going, "it's not happening, what are you talking about, I love you". And that is crazy-making, even if it's not officially gaslighting. I'm so sorry you're going through that, because it's not cool and it's not okay. And you're right to confront this, you're right to talk about this.

His defensiveness versus your needs

I totally understand the defensiveness, especially in a triad situation where people can be hyper-aware of how they behave. She's probably hyper-aware of the fact that you two have been together longer and have a more established relationship. That's intimidating. There's a lot that comes out of that. But think about this: if your partner comes to you with something that is hurting them and wanting to change it, they should be wanting to change that too, or at the very least be able to express something like "I don't want you to be hurt, I'm sad that you are sad, I want to work on this together, we are a team and I want to build with you and create a solution to this." Even if they feel attacked, they should still be willing at some point to work with you.

Stop sacrificing for this man

Now it's up to you, because you have been together for quite a long time and it sounds like you have a tied life together. And I really, really hope that whatever else you're doing, because you said you've given all these things for this man, stop doing things for this man. I'm sorry. I'm so triggered. You don't need to be doing things for this man. This man is a man. This man can do things. Whatever you're doing, if you find yourself in that situation, speaking as a person who has been in way too many situations where I have given a lot to somebody and they've not treated me well in return: I've not given it with the intention of getting something back. I have genuinely given it out of the goodness of my heart. But they've treated me like shit, and that is such a horrible situation to be in.

You can't help but feel, even if you didn't intend on getting something back, you still expected to be treated decently. And then when you're not, there's so much resentment that you didn't have before. So notice that. Pay attention to whether you feel unappreciated and unloved not just because of this exchange but because you're giving a lot in this relationship. Is it an equal relationship? Because even if this other person wasn't involved, even if there was no triad situation at all, that is something to pay attention to. Please don't be in that kind of a situation. I've been there and I had nobody to blame but myself really, because I'm the one who decided to give that much. It's not a fun situation to be in. So please do pay attention to that.

Seek professional help

Given you've been together for a long time, I would try to find a polyamorous-friendly couples therapist, definitely seek that out, and express your unhappiness. I would focus for now less on the interactions between all three of you, because that's something you can handle at a later point. The NRE will die down, and maybe you can come to an understanding that there might just be a different connection, that she may feel more strongly towards your partner than she feels toward you. It doesn't have to mean an end to the triad, it doesn't even necessarily have to be bad, but just be cognizant of whether or not you're assuming that things have to be identical. Put that on the shelf for now.

What really, really needs to be addressed is the fact that you have tried to raise this with your partner, and the only response you've gotten back is "I feel attacked, I feel attacked, I feel attacked." This shouldn't be about attacking. There might be a way that you're phrasing it that triggers defensiveness, and there might be a better way of phrasing things. But on a basic level, coming to your partner and saying "hey, I'm feeling really unhappy, I don't feel loved right now in our relationship, he doesn't want to cuddle me, I don't hear compliments anymore, he doesn't smile at me, he doesn't want to kiss or hold me like he used to," and seeing him do all of that with her, is reminding you that he can do this. It's not that he's incapable. You can see he's capable of it.

So you can't chalk it up to him not being able to. But that would be a problem whether or not there's a third person involved. If there was no triad and he just suddenly withdrew all of this, yeah, you'd probably be more concerned with his mental health and what was going on than thinking you are jealous. But it would be a problem regardless. So it has to be addressed. And he can't just keep saying "I feel attacked." I get that he feels attacked, that's fine, but try getting a mediator, try getting a couples therapist. Since you've invested all this time, see if there's any way he's willing to work toward a resolution. And you need to talk about feeling underappreciated and unloved for everything you do, which is a lot.

Don't fall into a sunk cost fallacy

Don't get stuck in a sunk cost fallacy here. Please do not. Yes, you've given a lot, and maybe you've given more than you should have. But do not stay in a relationship because of a sunk cost fallacy. Please look that up if you don't know what it is. I too have given way more than I should have in situations, and that's one of the reasons why reciprocity is so important to me now, because I give too much sometimes and I have to be super aware of that. So think about that as well on your own. You don't have to do all of these things. That might be part of the relationship escalator that you're still following, and you do not have to be.

The three C's: confront, consent, or cut

Just to recap: approach triads now and in the future with the realistic expectation that as much as you might all feel strongly about each other in the beginning, natural differences between relationships might develop, and that isn't necessarily a reason to end anything, it may just mean things look a little different. You seem flexible with that, like you're saying you'd even buy him a flight so they can go off together, you'd be okay with them taking their own trips. That's great. Sometimes that just happens.

The withdrawal of affection really has to be addressed. Your partner is allowed to feel defensive, we all get defensive, we all sometimes feel attacked when a partner says they're unhappy, that's totally normal and totally fine. But ultimately he has to be willing to work with you on this. You can do that through a couples therapist, you can suggest things, but if you're continuously trying to solve this problem and all he does is "I feel attacked, I feel attacked, I feel attacked" and there's no way to change this, then you know you're running out of options for what you can do about another grown adult's behaviour.

It's like the three C's that I learned from Matthias Barker: confront, consent, or cut. You confront the problem and ask for change. You consent, meaning you accept that this is how it's going to be. Or you cut your losses and leave. You cannot make him want to fix this situation if he doesn't want to fix it.

Your self-worth is not based on usefulness

And last but not least, please, this thing just screams out at me, maybe because of my own issues, and has nothing to do with you, but the idea that you have done all these things for this man: don't do these things for this man. Don't do these things for this man! I'm sorry. I just genuinely want you to think about that, and genuinely want to make sure that you're not over-sacrificing and over-giving in a relationship. And even if that was fine because you got all this attention and affection back, just think about that. Just think about it. Think on it. Maybe you're fine with it, and you're only not fine with it now that he's just decided to fucking ignore you, which is horrible, and I'm mad on your behalf. But just think on it.

Think about whether or not you're giving because you genuinely want to, because like, I have given stuff, and I'm gonna just recap: I have given stuff out of the goodness of my heart. But also there's an issue for me personally with feeling like I have to be useful to be loved. And that is a constant struggle of like, am I giving this because I really want to give this, or am I giving this because I think if I'm not useful, then I'm not loved. You know, it might be a mystery, and you might not figure that out until later. And sometimes it may not be that big of a deal, because I might get rewarded for being self-sacrificing in such situations. But I just don't want you to do what I did. So just think on that a little bit. Talk with a therapist about it. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe I'm just being triggered by my own shit. But I'm just pointing it out.

Never stop speaking the truth

If your partner is not willing to address this and not willing to listen to the fact that you're hurt, if he can't get out of his own feelings and come to the realisation that he doesn't want you to be hurt and wants to address the situation, if his only retreat is "I feel attacked," or basically calling you crazy without calling you crazy: never stop screaming about the elephant in this fucking room. Do not be tricked into thinking this is all in your head. I don't know the full situation, I'm only listening to your words and I trust your word because I have no other choice. But if this is something you've noticed, pay attention to it, and it should be talked about regardless.

I hope that helps, and good luck.