Polyamory and Grief

This is a super complex scenario but I really need some outside perspective. My husband and I have been together 16 years, married 8. We’ve been poly for just over 2. I have a long time girlfriend of 1.5 years. My mom passed away at the end of June. We had an extremely complicated relationship and her death was very messy and unexpected. It’s turned my world upside down to put it lightly.

Right after she passed my husbands ex girlfriend of almost a year broke up with him - it was amicable. Because of the complexity of my relationship with my parents my husband was not very affected by my mother’s death. He began actively dating right after she died and had a first date with his now girlfriend less than 30 days after her passing. I was in such a state when he started dating again I didn’t say anything cause honestly I didn’t have capacity to think about anything besides the immediate crisis left behind in my mom’s passing, which included resuming another no contact parental relationship with my step father, taking on lots of legal and caregiving responsibilities, planning the funeral, and taking care of her house which is in foreclosure.

Now that some of the dust has settled I am feeling SO angry and hurt that he even considered dating so soon. And they’ve moved really fast in my opinion - they’re already labelled, having sex and overnights. I’m struggling emotionally, I’ve got really intense depression, my panic disorder is on high and so is my PTSD. My husband is having trouble performing during sex with me, mainly staying hard and getting an erection, but is not with this new partner. And honestly it’s just sending me into chaos emotionally.

I resent the idea of having to ask him to pause or slow his partnership. I don’t wanna be that person and I hate being in this position. But I don’t know how to move on from this and let go of this anger. I love him deeply but I’m also hurt deeply at the moment. I am terrified of our relationship not being able to bare the weight of all of this.

Am I warranted in my anger or is my grief overriding my emotions? What kind of requests are reasonable to make of him as a hinge? Is it totally unreasonable and unethical to ask him to pause his relationship, especially if I am not pausing mine? I get a lot of support and joy and peace in my other partnership I need right now and I want him to have outlets too. I’m considering couples counseling - we already have individual therapists.

How do you know what happens sexually between him and his other partner? Whatever source of information this is coming from, it needs to stop because it's not helping either of you, regardless of all of the other things going on in this situation. Whomever is sharing this information with you or if you are asking these questions, definitely stop that first and foremost. It's not something that is helping.

Validating anger as a signal for unmet needs

Your anger is your anger. If I were to tell you that your anger wasn't allowed, it wouldn't stop you from feeling it. I think it's important to pay attention to but I also want to applaud you for not letting it take the wheel and make decisions for you. What you actually want is not for your partner to not have this other relationship, but you needed more support in this situation than your partner provided. Your anger is telling you to pay attention to that need because it was deep and dire.

Navigating the timing of new connections during crisis

This is a good example of a situation that was really not anyone's fault. Your husband couldn't help that he managed to find a connection on a first date at the time he did. His dates could have been fun but not things he wanted to pursue. You also couldn't help this crisis from happening to you or that you seemed to have been thrust into this situation with little, what sounds like, family supporting you. I think what's worth exploring with your therapist is, should something like this ask again, what sources in your life do you have for support -- and these don't have to just be romantic relationships. How do you ask your husband for support when you need it? What signs can he look out for that might signal that you need more support?

Why controlling other relationships won't fix the hurt

I don't think that controlling your husband's other relationships is going to fix this problem. It might temporarily cause your husband to focus on you, but that's not what you actually want or what you needed at the time. It might be worth speaking to your therapist about, but what I think you need is a chance to help your husband understand that this was a time that you desperately needed his help and support. It might be worth walking through what kind of support you needed. While it's not about asking your husband to take a break from other relationships, we do sometimes change around the time and energy we give to certain relationships during times of crisis.

Communicating the need for a supportive presence

For example, if we had a friend who experienced the death of a parent, even if we don't tend to spend a lot of time with them, we might spend more time with them during that period of crisis to support them. That's understandable and it wouldn't be too much to ask. While we would hope that our friends and the people who love us would see that we're in crisis and automatically do this, it doesn't always happen and that's not because people who love us don't care. I'm sure your husband absolutely does care and doesn't want to be unsupportive during this time period, but it's important for him to understand that you need support and help and you can work together on ways to make sure that he can be there for you in other times of crisis.

Repairing the relationship through honest dialogue

The conversation can be less, "Why weren't you there for me when I needed you?" which is a valid feeling to have, but more focused on, "I really needed you and it hurt that I didn't have the support I needed from you" or "How can we work together to make sure that I can ask for help, regardless of what's going on in your life and get support?". You could have this conversation with a couple's counsellor that understands polyamory. Really think about the physical and emotional ways you may have needed support and work together on ways to repair this. I absolutely do think it's worth repairing and I am going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt in that he genuinely does want to support you and be there for you. I think having a space where you can talk about how hurt you felt might help you release some of the anger. Give yourself permission to have those feelings. And also give yourself credit for not acting on this anger. I think that's an incredibly good sign that you can both work towards a solution together.

I hope this helps and good luck.