That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I am a 52 yo cis while male and only recently realized I was bisexual. When I say recent I mean like a year ago.

I have been immersing myself into queer culture, reading books and working with my therapist. There are a lot of concepts which I am discovering and figuring out that many of them resonate. I spent 50+ years hiding these feelings away so they all feel so new to me.

I have been married to a straight woman for 20+ years now and for the most part have had a wonderful life with her. The goal is to stay in that monogamous relationship at least physically. My wife does not like emotional or intimate conversations. So, we have not done that for as long as we have been together. As part of my journey I am realizing that not only do I like those kinds of conversations I crave and need them.

As most people in my generation, I was taught that once married your spouse is everything and having friends especially female is not a thing to pursue. With lots of help I am breaking out of that mold. I am making close friends, lots of them being in the community. I have two friends which I consider a level above others. Both of them are female and married. One is bisexual and one is straight. The bisexual one is also polyamorous.

My first thought about polyamory is nope not for me. I have since realized that was decades of monogamy and patriarchy talking. I know now that if my wife were ok with it I would for sure explore the physical side of polyamory. That is not going to happen and I know that being with someone without her consent is cheating not polyamory, so I am resigned to not go down that path.

What I am thinking of is a term I have heard but struggle finding much information about. The term is emotional polyamory. For me, I view this as having a multiple people which I can share my inner most feelings and thoughts with. Someone whom I know has my back and we care for each other greatly. It’s a person for whom I love and feel an immense connection with. Essentially it’s like describing a partner but without the sex part.

Is this a thing?  I am sure that I’m not the only one. I think this because when I first realized I was bisexual I felt that my story was so unique. Then I realized nope, it’s very common. The problem is no matter how much I research all I find are situations about the physical and emotional side connected. None where one exists without the other.  Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Response

So there's a lot of things going on here. I think in general, what you're describing is what most people today would just call a friendship. It's not really emotional polyamory, what you've described in terms of the way that marriage used to be seen and also, I think the fact that you were pretty closeted is what facilitated this type of connection with your wife, one where you don't have intimate or emotional conversations.

You couldn't have those conversations, it sounded like, because you were kind of hiding away part of yourself. It actually was better that your wife didn't want to have these emotional conversations with you, because then you might have come out a little bit sooner, in a way.

The way you've defined marriage isn't the only way

Your definition of monogamy and marriage, and the way that this is structured, has been one where, as you said, you don't have other friends, you don't have other intimate connections, you don't feel strongly for anyone but the person that you're supposed to have this romantic connection with, and that isn't actually the case for a lot of people, and that isn't a good thing that I think people, even people who are monogamous, should strive for.

I think people should have strong, intimate friendships with other people. Actually, way, way back in the past, in Greco-Roman times, if I remember correctly, romance was seen as a sickness, in a way, and the bonds of friendship, especially between men, because, you know, that's how they were, were seen as more important, and higher, in a way, than the bonds of romance.

I'm a relationship anarchist, so I don't personally believe that one should elevate any relationship over another. I think the only time when you should really prioritize one relationship over another is if you have a child, because that child literally relies on you to survive. But in any other case, I don't think that friendships should be necessarily less important than romantic relationships, and you might benefit from doing a little bit of research into relationship anarchy, because that might actually be what you mean, that you have strong friendships.

But the thing that's a little bit not so relationship anarchy here is you saying that the goal, or you also, like, prioritizing your friendship, saying that some mean more, and it's fine to feel more intimately close with other people. That's not what relationship anarchy is saying, that you have to feel intimately close with everybody, but those people that you have strong, intimate connections with, they aren't necessarily always prioritized, or you don't consider them to be better in some way than other relationships, if that makes sense.

Your goal shouldn't be saving the marriage

But sorry, your goal here, you said, is not to get rid of this monogamous relationship. And whilst I'm not trying to encourage you to break your 20-year marriage, because I understand why you wouldn't want to, it worries me a little bit that that is your ultimate goal, because really, I think what your ultimate goal should be is learning more about yourself and being able to be yourself, and being able to experience the things that you want to experience that you haven't been able to experience because you've spent years, decades, literally hiding from who you are. And so I think that that should be your goal.

I think that there are plenty of examples, like there are asexual people who are polyamorous, who have strong romantic connections with people who they don't have any sex with. But you're not asexual, presumably. Maybe you are, you don't really explore that in this letter, but I don't want you to self-impose asexuality, or a type of asexuality, onto yourself purely because you're too scared to end this marriage that you have. And that's what I'm kind of worried about, is are you doing this because you're too scared to be alone?

Why can't your wife be one of your great, amazing friends that you're close with? Why can't you end that marriage and that agreement between the two of you that you can only have sex with her, and maybe you don't have sex anymore, and then you're free to do what you like physically, but you still have that strong intimate connection with her as a friend?

Do you have a strong intimate connection with her, or has it just been that the society that you've been in has told you that you have to be in this relationship? You've been in it, it's worked very functionally well, because you've been hiding yourself. And now that you're not hiding yourself, you're finding that, oh, actually, I can't have a strong, intimate, close connection with my wife, because she doesn't want that for whatever reason, and the only reason we've been able to be together is because I've hidden who I am.

That's kind of the thing that you have to answer for yourself, and what I would hope that you don't do, because you've already spent 20 years hiding and lying to yourself and being someone that you're not. It sounds like you're going through all of this exploration of who you are, and that's really freeing, and that's really wonderful, and that's really awesome, and I don't want you to continue on a path of basically prioritizing everybody else, including the culture that's told you that you have to do these things, over what you actually want in your own heart. Because why is the ultimate goal to save this partnership? Why is the ultimate goal not to make sure that you're taken care of, to make sure that you're happy?

Happiness isn't the end goal, but neither is hiding

I know that might sound selfish, and we're not always going to be fully happy. Happiness is not the end goal. That is a feeling that comes and goes, and sometimes we sacrifice things for friends, not just in romantic relationships. Being in community is not about everything being copacetic and happy all the time.

Sometimes it's about getting up at 3am because your friend calls, and they're drunk and they're sad and they don't have a ride home, and going to pick them up. Sometimes it is about sacrifice, but it's also not about hiding yourself, and it's also important for you, maybe for the first time in your life, to actually go: do you know what, fuck what society has told me that I should have, what do I actually want, what's actually important for me?

Have you had this conversation with your wife?

Because my worry is that, yeah, you can have close, intimate friendships with friends, that's fine, but two things about that might become the problem. One is, if you've never talked with your wife about what defines a relationship. Cheating, and what people consider cheating, there are obvious examples of that, like actually sleeping with another person, but people can feel cheated on in lots of other ways.

I think that people need to actually talk and come to an agreement, even in monogamous relationships. In this digital age, where you can see people, some people consider their partner liking a sex worker's pictures online, following a sex worker online and liking their pictures, as cheating, and some people don't. So you have to have some type of conversation about what is actually cheating, because you might be working on a definition of, well, if I don't have sex with anybody then it's not cheating, but that's not necessarily going to be what your wife feels.

Does your wife know? Have you told her, “Hey, I really want to have these deep, intimate, emotional conversations, and we don't have those, and I actually need that”? Have you given her a chance to actually provide that for you? Have you let her know that this is actually something you're finding that you need? Maybe she's fine with you having close, intimate friendships with other people. So that's one thing.

The other thing: are you also bisexual, and what do you actually want physically?

And then the other thing that I'm kind of worried about is, you're like, well, if I were allowed to be physically with other people, if you were allowed to have sex with other people. I'm going to make a wild assumption, and I might be wrong, but I don't know, are you now bisexual? You haven't had sex with a man. Do you want to have sex with a man at some point? Let's put all the cards on the table here.

I have personally, when I came out as bi ages ago, I was like, well, I haven't had a girlfriend, and I want to have a girlfriend. I wanted to have a sexual experience with a woman. And I was interested in this guy, and we were talking, and I was considering dating him, and this was even before I knew anything about polyamory. I was basically like, “Look, I'm bi, I haven't had a sexual experience with a woman, I want to have a sexual experience with a woman. Are we going to, is there any opportunity down the line, like is there a threesome-potential situation, is there any opportunity for me to be able to have that experience if we end up being together?”

Because he was monogamous, and I thought I was too at the time, or I was okay with monogamy at the time, and he was like, “No, I don't ever want that, I'm never ever going to want a threesome or have any kind of experience like that”.

And I was like, well, then we are not dating. Because, like, that sounds harsh, and it doesn't sound like a "good enough" reason to not date somebody, or a "good enough" reason to end a relationship, but at the end of the day, I knew that at some point in my life I had not, because of all sorts of reasons, internalized homophobia, whatever, I had not had a sexual experience with a woman, and I knew that I wanted to have one, and I wasn't going to— just because I had met somebody that I did genuinely like.

He was a nice guy, we had some great conversations, I did really want to be with him, but I knew that eventually, at some point in my life, I was going to be like, I want to have this experience, and I can't. And I just wasn't willing to say no to that, for the rest of my life. So are you willing to say no to that, forever, for the rest of your life?

Knowing what you want

That's a really difficult conversation, because this sounds so much like the forbidden fruit, and I'm really trying hard not to make it sound that way, but genuinely, can you have those intimate, close friendships now, and that's satiating now, because you haven't even had that. But that will become your norm, that will become what you should have had, and the new thing which you hope to expect from people.

I don't think that's a wild thing to expect from a friendship or from a marriage or from a relationship, and my fear is that you're going to get to a point where you're like, “Actually, I do want to have physical experiences”, and this will become a long, drawn-out thing when it doesn't have to be.

I think people sometimes are afraid to break up. They're afraid, especially if they have a very long relationship that they've been in for decades, sunk cost fallacy, afraid to be alone, especially if they've never been alone. Also dealing with the fact that you're bi, coming out, it's a lot.

But dragging out things like, “oh, I'm just wanting to be close with people, oh, and actually, I think I do want to have sex”. I think it would be easier, in a way, if you were just as honest as you could be with yourself. You might be like, you know what, I'm bi, but I'm perfectly fine watching porn or whatever, and I don't need to have sex with another man. I'm fine if I died and I never had sex with a man, I won't regret that. That might be you, but it might not be you. So I think you need to have a real, honest conversation with yourself about what you ultimately want.

Full honesty with your wife

And I think you should be real with your wife. I think this is going to become a struggle. Like I said earlier, I think that the reason why you were able to go for 20 years without having emotional, intimate conversations, and why this has been a thing that's been lacking in your relationship, could be wrong, is because you've not been yourself. And now that you're stepping into who you actually are, I think, over time, how do I say this?

A crumb seems like a feast to a person who is starving, but then when you actually start to get the meals that you deserve, a crumb is starving. So I think it's going to become difficult for you, because this is something you need, and point blank, you are not getting it from your wife.

Now, I think you should give her a chance to be able to do that. This could also be a wonderful exploration journey for her. Maybe she's bi, I don't know. You never know, maybe she would benefit hugely from this opportunity in her life to become closer with her emotions, to become closer to you.

This could end your relationship, or it could be the thing that draws you even closer, because you are being honest with her, you're being yourself fully with her, and you're saying, “This is something that I need. So please, I want to stay with you, please help me, help us get to a point where we can be together, because I don't want to lose that”. And I think you should be fully honest with her, because especially if you've been together for 20 years, especially if you don't want to break up, if you should be fully honest with anybody, it should be her.

Recap

So, to answer your question, which I feel like we've gone way off course on, which is as per normal for me, what you're describing is a friendship. It's not really emotional polyamory, it just depends on how people define it. The future that I want for all monogamous people is a future where they're allowed to have intimate, close relationships with their friends.

I don't want this form of monogamy, where you're not allowed to have friends of a certain sex, where the sex of the other person somehow matters in terms of whether or not you can be friends with them. The whole concept that your romantic partner is the only person that you're allowed to have any connections with, I don't want that for monogamous people.

You don't have to be polyamorous. I don't want a future where the idea of a monogamous person having close, intimate friendships with other people is so anti-monogamy that it becomes defined as polyamory. I don't want that at all. This is just being friends with people. This is what people should do.

And so I'm going to push back a little bit on that and say that it's not polyamory, because polyamory is specifically the intention of having multiple romantic relationships with people. They don't always have to include sex, for sure, asexual people can be polyamorous, but they are romantic relationships, generally speaking. In some way they're romantic and deep, and some aren't deep, it depends. But it's that intention, right, that's generally polyamory.

And I'm really worried that you're trying to basically get as close to what you want as possible, when really what you should do is have this conversation with your wife about what you really need in your relationship with her, and give her the chance to rise to the occasion, because she spent 20 years with you as well, and this could be a great opportunity for her to have these conversations with you.

She should be trying as hard as you are to meet you where you are. It can't be just that you're doing all of this kind of, oh, I'm learning who I am and I'm trying to find a way to define this so that I don't have to end my marriage. She has to also try to understand who you are now and try to be closer to you. I think that she should try to do that, and I think that that's important.

So, yeah, I hope that helps. And good luck.