Fear of Losing a New Polyamorous Partner

I’ve been in a long term relationship with my primary partner for nearly a decade. We’ve been polyamourous from the very beginning. It’s been going great, he’s a very loving and warm man. 

I have also had other romantic interests during that time but they typically do not last long, mainly because of the usual reasons why relationships end (drifting apart, falling out of love etc). Since the start of this year I’ve recently been involved with a girl who has become my girlfriend. She’s absolutely wonderful, she has met my partner who gets along with her very well and I have an amazing time with her. She is also in a triad with her two partners, and I’ve also met them and get along with them. I love her and I cherish every moment with her. 

My worry is that like the other relationships I’ve been in that this will not last long either. She hasn’t done anything or given any indication that she wants to end this, I’m just going by my previous experiences. And I don’t think I’ll be able to cope if this did end prematurely. I know you’ve mentioned that every relationship will end and that we can’t stop our partners from leaving us, and I’ve been trying to keep that in mind but I feel like as a result this relationship feels doomed to fail.

I certainly don’t want it to end; I know that’s just my anxiety talking but I’m finding it hard to feel secure knowing that at any moment this could be over. I’m almost tempted to bring up my fears with her but I’m worried I’ll come across as clingy or give her the impression that she can’t break up with me. Still it’s hard to act like this doesn’t bother me. What should I do? 

One thing that might be worth exploring here is what you're hoping to achieve. You say you don't want your relationship to end "prematurely" but what does it mean for a relationship to be "mature". It feels like you're judging your relationships based on the cultural script of monogamy and typical relationship "escalation". It's easy to emotionally feel that there is some sort of "progression" that relationships have and there is some truth to the fact that when we invest time into a relationship with someone, we build relational trust. As we learn more about people, intimacy also builds. All of this is pretty typical and normal.

But our society also encourages us to believe that the more time we invest, and especially if we follow the path of the typical relationship escalator, we will reach some type of secure, stable foundation what is unshakeable. Unfortunately, this really does not and cannot provide us with the control over the situation that we desire. We feel as though the relationship is under control and we feel protected and safe. That isn't necessarily a bad thing and I think it makes evolutionary sense that we feel this way, but we have to also realise that this is an illusion.

You can make people want to leave you (by being cruel or hurtful to them) but you can't make them stay if they fall out of love with you. They themselves don't have total control over their own feelings. None of us do. If we could choose whom we loved easily, there would be no heartbreak. Recognising that this is out of your control can be extremely freeing because the more you believe you have control over this, the more anxiety you will likely feel. It's terrifying to be faced with the fact that we truly have very little control over some of the key relationships that we rely on in our lives, but I personally have felt that the less I made this my responsibility, the better the relationship I built with myself.

No one can guarantee to you that any of your relationships will last long. Any moment any of your relationships or even your life could be over. There are a million things that could stop any of your relationships that have nothing to do with you and are completely out of your control. Security is not built by your relationships "maturing" into something. Security is built by you recognising that it's the relationship with yourself that is key. The more you tell yourself that you are unable to be alone, unable to handle hardship, unable to cope with change, the more anxiety you will feel.

Your anxiety isn't just talking to you. It's actively responding to what you're telling it. That you cannot cope. And personally, even though I do not know you, I'm fairly sure that you would be able to cope. Would it be difficult? Yes. But it's not impossible.

For me personally, the first step I took in improving this anxiety came with being more compassionate with myself. Rather than hating myself for having anxiety, disregarding it or seeing it as me being ignorant or stupid, I started to be compassionate with myself. I also committed to remaining neutral with myself in how I spoke to myself. I refused to call myself names, even as a joke. I was committed to remaining kind to myself and over time this helped out significantly. I described this process a bit in my episode on Childhood Trauma and Polyamory, which you can review.

It's not an overnight thing. I still have anxious thoughts, but I am far better now than I have ever been before and a lot of that came from me having compassion for my anxiety, listening to it, sitting with and letting go of what I could not control. Take your time here and give yourself a little bit of grace here and have some patience.

I hope this helps and good luck!