That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

My partner is non-monogamous and lives with her other partner in a tiny home on her parents property in her small, rural hometown (they moved in together over a year ago). They have been together for almost 8/9 years and we have been together for almost 3. Them moving in together was a major dealbreaker for me, but after hearing that it’s largely to support her partner as he goes through nursing school, I thought I’d test the waters because I’ve never done this before and I’m not done trying to make this work. So far, it’s not as crushing as I thought it’d be, but I do resent the fact that this guy is very much my partner’s anchor partner.

He hangs out with the family regularly, he’s been introduced to everyone out there, and he shares a very important home base with my partner. I, on the other hand, do not have access to any of this. I live over an hour away because I can’t afford to live where my partner is; I’m not exactly welcome out there until the three of us have a “successful” hangout which has yet to happen and it’s been over a year since I was first told that that was something that needed to happen; I’ve never met my partner’s family (aside from a very rushed 10minute hello to her mum); I’m not invited to any holidays or even my partner’s birthday.

Suffice to say, sometimes I can feel very low about this arrangement and the relationship’s structure that dictates it. In particular, I personally feel that if there is hierarchy in an ENM relationship, i.e. anchor/primary partner, the competition, jealousy and even resentment will inevitably surface. (Thoughts?) I have been working hard on this in myself, but again, it’s hard to avoid the pangs of wishing I was more integrated into my partner’s life, especially around the gathering times of the holidays.

During the holidays, as far as I know, she fills her schedule up and is very busy. While I’m happy she’s got so many fun things going on, it hurts my feelings when she seems to let our communication wane. I understand she can’t talk as usual, but considering how inherently tough it is to spend the holidays without one’s partner, I get sad when I think that she is not prioritizing carving out even just 10minutes for a phone call with me. And I really do mean phone call. Texts are fine, but terribly distant and hard to read sometimes—I’ve begun to really dislike them. Hearing voices is a comfort and a little blast of reassurance that my partner cares enough to touch in with that kindness.

Additionally, the kicker is that when she stays with me, she takes walks by herself and makes phone calls. Sometimes, she’ll even randomly remind me that she needs to be able to do this sometimes (which includes calling her other partner). Thinking about that and how it doesn’t feel reciprocated when she’s back at home can be hurtful, frustrating and disappointing.

How have you gone about spending the holidays with your relationships? Am I crazy for wanting a 10-minute hello on the phone with my partner during major holidays?

Are there any helpful questions I should be asking my partner? Do you have any general advice about this predicament?

I’m really at a loss right now. I hate caring so much about where my partner is and how she splits her time because I want her to feel independent and autonomous in her life. I get really self-conscious about my language and how it may land as possessive because that’s not where I’m coming from! I’m just trying to advocate for myself, my needs and equilibrium in this dynamic.

All in all, I hope that my partner has the heart and head to realize soon and understand that sometimes she gives me an inch while her other partner gets a mile. She’s incredible and so loving most of the time, but I do struggle with how her words do not tend to match her actions. Sometimes it feels like I belong in her life only where she can fit me in…and that really bums me out.

Response

So this is a little bit more challenging for me, because I don't have a big family, and I don't have much connection to my relatives, so I don't really have this type of dynamic. But I do feel like, if I were in this situation— this is a really good example of how different setups work for different people in different ways. If I were in this situation, in terms of being introduced to family, I'm not opposed to it, but I haven't had very good experiences with it in the past, so I don't prioritise it, and I don't necessarily want it.

I'm very hesitant about it going forward, I'll do it… But I'm not keen on it, and I know that for some people, this is a big part of who they are, and they will introduce their partners to their family, but it's just not something I would fight for. If I were in this situation, outside of the communication, I wouldn't mind, because I'd be like, "Nah, you take the family stuff, I don't want anything to do with that."

But I think for me, whenever people hear about polyamory, it's always about jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. But this is low-key the worst thing I think about polyamory, this experience of not getting something that you really, really want from a partner and seeing them give it to somebody else. It's fucking heart-wrenching and awful. This is a really hard situation to be in, and I hope that you realise this.

Autonomy doesn't mean you can't need anything

I really want to say, we fetishise independence a little bit too much. Autonomy is one thing, and autonomy is one of my core values, I really believe in autonomy, but we are fucking interdependent creatures. We're not— we require social interaction. As much as I am a very introverted person, and I don't really like socialising, even I require social interaction. We need to interact with each other, and it is not possessive for you to want to spend time with your partner.

I'm not angry at you, but I'm just trying to say, we have so much of this language, sometimes within the polyamorous community, where it's like you having any wants or needs at all is somehow possessive or an imposition, and that's the whole fucking point of relationships. It's not possessive for you to want a ten-minute phone call from your partner. If she truly wants true independence, then she should just be by herself in the middle of the woods, not talking to anybody. I'm not saying that's what she's arguing for, but part of being in a relationship is spending time and caring about somebody else.

There's a whole post out there, it's really brilliant, I wish I could find it and quote it right now, but community is inconvenient, people are inconvenient, and that's the price that we pay for having a community, that's the price that we pay for having relationships. If somebody wants to be so truly independent and autonomous that they never have to have any responsibility to anybody ever, then they'll have no relationships in their life at all. That's part of having any kind of relationship, a friendship, anything, it's going to be an inconvenience to you, and that's life. I'm sorry, you can't just do whatever the fuck you want.

Anyway, you see my point though, it's not you being possessive, and you're not imposing on her independence by requesting things that you want, because if she wants to have relationships with people, she needs to spend time with them, that's just part of it. You are not crazy for wanting these things. It's what you want in a relationship, it's what you need in a relationship, and that's acceptable.

This isn't the kind of comparison to avoid

This is one of the key examples of why I think it's not always bad to compare yourself with other partners. Sometimes it doesn't really help, but this is a really good example of where you're not necessarily comparing like for like in a way that's uncontrollable. If you were to compare, like, "this person's prettier than me," that's something totally subjective and not fully within your control. But seeing that when your partner has time with you, she takes part of that time to spend with other people, but she's not doing that when she's spending time with other people, to spend time with you, that's an obvious situation of a lack.

When you approach the situation, it doesn't have to be a tit-for-tat thing, because that will elicit defensiveness. It doesn't have to be, "Well, you do this, why don't you do this with me?"

What I would actually say to her

If I were in this situation, what I would say is: “Okay, first and foremost, I want to be introduced to your family, and I want to be properly introduced, and I don't agree that we all need to have a successful three-way hangout for that to happen. I'm going to object to that, because either this hangout needs to be arranged with a solid date now, or it needs to be dropped, because I don't understand what us all hanging out together has to do with me being introduced to your family, and I object to that, I don't agree that needs to happen. So one of two things needs to happen: either a date gets set where I'm introduced to your family, or a date gets set where we all three hang out, because I've been waiting for a year now, and I've been trying to go at the pace that's fine with everybody else, but I feel unhappy with the way things are, and I'd really like this resolved.

“I can't continue in this relationship where I feel so unprioritised. I want to feel prioritised, and this is one of the ways I would like to feel prioritised. I would like to be introduced to your family, I don't like that I haven't been, and I would like this to change”. I would also say: “I would like set, scheduled, dedicated time with me, physically or on the phone. I would like us to have a scheduled appointment, an uninterrupted, focused time together. I will not speak to other partners if I have them during this time, and I would ask that you do the same, because this is focused, scheduled, dedicated time. Then you're more than welcome to have that with other people, and I will respect that and not interrupt you or expect you to respond to me during that time, but that is what I need”.

Frame it as a need, not a complaint

So if you approach this less as "you do this with somebody else but not with me," and more as, "this is what I need. Right now, I am unhappy in our relationship, and that is because I'm not getting what I need, this is what I need, can you meet this, can we negotiate around it, or is this not going to be met?" I think you have to be really real about this.

I get that you've spent three years in this dynamic, or not completely in this dynamic, but you've been with her for three years, and yes, you're absolutely right that hierarchy does elicit this kind of thing, but I don't think you're resentful, I don't think you are trying to compete, this is not you being an unfair person. Long distance is hard, some people don't even do long distance because it's too hard for them, and for a lot of people, maintaining long distance requires intentional, scheduled work, not just whatever's left over at the end.

It's not that she doesn't care, it's that it falls to the wayside

Sometimes it feels like you belong in her life only where she can fit you in, and that really bums me out. One hundred percent, that's what's happening here. She may not be cognisant of it, but that's what's happening here. If you are long distance and you don't live together, you have to ensure that you have that scheduled time with one another, because it can fall to the wayside, and not necessarily because anyone's trying for it to.

So I think I would explicitly ask for these things. She's reminding you of her needs, she needs to be able to talk with another partner, okay, that's fine, but then you need scheduled, intentional time. I don't think you'd mind so much if she spent ten minutes chatting with another partner if you had scheduled, intentional time with her. But exactly as you said, it doesn't feel reciprocated, and that's frustrating and hurtful and disappointing.

You're not crazy for wanting a goodnight call

You're not crazy for wanting a ten-minute hello during any period of the time. When I was first with a partner, when we lived together and also when we didn't, the first times they'd be off on a date or overnight somewhere, I felt terrible. It elicited all sorts of horrible things, especially since I'm not a party person. Whenever they'd go out to parties, I'd be like, "Oh, I'm not a party person, they're going to meet somebody else who's a party person, they're going to realise I'm a wet blanket and no fun, and then they're going to dump me." It was a whole thing.

When my partner spent time away, even though we lived together, even though they spent so much time with me already, they would give me a goodnight call, for the first bit of our relationship. As we developed more trust with one another, I didn't really need that anymore, and that was fine to not have, I wasn't bothered. But initially, yeah, we did a goodnight call, and that was really nice. They would take five minutes away from their night and just give me a goodnight call, and it was so nice, and it wasn't very much to ask for.

Sometimes stuff like that, it could be temporary, it could be permanent, but you've got to ask for it. So I think it's important how you ask for it, because if you start saying, "Well, you never do this," it's natural that people are going to be defensive about that. But if you need this, please feel a little bit more confident in yourself. If you're not trying to be possessive, then you're not, and you can always communicate that. You can always say, "Look, I want you to feel autonomous, and I don't want to impose”, but please understand that part of being in a relationship is being there for somebody when it's not convenient for you. That's part of what being in a relationship should be.

Your value isn't that you're easy to deal with

You're not valuable to somebody because you're convenient for them. Please reframe that. That's a way I thought for a very long time, and it's very hard, because you don't want to be a burden to anybody. But hey, guess what, your value as a person is not that you're easy to deal with. I so sympathise with that.

Especially if you've grown up as the kid who people say, "Oh, that kid just doesn't even need to be raised, parents themselves," oh that's great, but that's not true. You kind of grow up believing that the way you get love is by being useful, and therefore not an inconvenience, and therefore never a problem, never needing anything from anybody, only ever filling other people's needs but never having needs yourself. That's not the way to do things, and it's just not true. You're going to have needs, you're going to be an inconvenience to people, and that is okay. That is okay. I'm pretty sure that if the shoe was on the other foot, you would have no problem, but it's hard to accept that of ourselves.

Recap

So yeah, I know it's hard, but I think I would just sit your partner down and say those things. I'd be like, "Look, we need to talk, because I'm really feeling unhappy in this situation, and this is what I want. I want to be introduced to your family, I don't know why we all have to hang out for that to happen, but I either want to be introduced or I want a set date for when that hangout will happen, because I don't feel like it's fair and I don't feel included.

“I need scheduled, intentional, dedicated time, especially since we are long distance, and I don't get to just go to your room or say hi to you or see you in the morning or have five minutes with you before you leave for work, the way people who live with you can. So I need that intentional time, this is what I need to continue. Can we negotiate about this? Can we figure out a way to get this resolved together, so we can continue?" Because I'm not happy right now, and I think you need to be really honest about that and ask for those things and advocate for yourself. It's not possessive to ask for what you want and to have needs.

There might be situations where this type of arrangement would be fine for some people, and that's absolutely fine. You can have this situation not work for you and not be possessive, it could just be that this doesn't work for you, and it's not because you're a bad person, it's not because you want too much.

So, I hope that I've reaffirmed for you that it's not crazy for you to want a ten-minute phone call with your partner, even on major holidays, it's not crazy. Ask for the things that you want, and hopefully she will, maybe she's not even realising that she's doing this, that's totally possible, but hopefully when you explicitly ask, she will respond to that. And if she doesn't, then at least you know, and you can find somebody who is more willing to do that for you.

So yeah, I hope that helps, and good luck.