When You Get the Hard Work and Your Metamour Gets the Fun

My partner and I live together and have been together for a little over 3 years now, and they’ve been with their other long distance partner for a little over 1. My partner and I share a life that requires a lot of responsibility and sacrifice of comfort and “normalcy” for uplifting our community and keeping it safe and running.

Since my partner has gotten with their partner, there’s been a pattern of my partner planning out these fun dates, and trips, and adventures with their partner, and doing fun spur of the moment activities with them that I really wish they would do for me. 

We’ve had a lot of issues in the past where I feel a bit neglected romantically, specifically about dates and activities, and though it’s gotten better recently, I can’t help but feel a bit jealous when this stuff happens. I’ve tried to communicate how it hurts me that I kind of feel like i’m the partner that has to do all the hard parts of being with them, and I rarely get to enjoy the fun parts, while she gets to enjoy all the fun parts without having to deal with any of the hard stuff, and my partner never really responds well.

No matter how I try and word it to get my point across, they can’t see that it’s an issue of their own emotional capacity, and time management & communication skills- all they can see is that i’m jealous.

I know that they have more limited time together since she lives so far away, and i’ve worked on myself a lot to not be as sensitive. But I know that my feelings are valid in this, and I don’t know how to bring it up in a way that my partner will understand without causing a fight.

Should I just get over it? Or should they just treat me with the same desire they treat her? I just feel so undervalued :’{

Ooof. I feel this so, so hard. This is one of the reasons why the concept of "couples privilege" left such a bitter taste in my mouth for years. I'd look around at having to do all of the hard work in the relationship, complain about chores, organise this and that while other people got to just do the dates and the fun bits. What privilege?! I'd shout. This really, really sucks.

Your feelings are valid in this and this is a classic case where in the past, I have assumed my jealousy was me having low self-esteem and where I would ask for reassurance but it wouldn't do bupkis because the problem was not that I was insecure. The problem was that I wanted the quality time other people were getting and getting a front row seat to witness my partner giving that to someone else was excruciating in a way no one seemed to care about or acknowledge. You cannot just "get over it". This hurts. And you're not alone and you don't deserve to feel this way.

The way you bring this up is important, as you've pointed out. This isn't about going, "Why are other people more important than I am?" even though that is how you feel. Immediately comparisons and accusations of "you never do X" don't tend to work that well for any couple in any style of relationship. So while your feelings are valid, I think the best way to phrase this going forward is asking for what you want directly rather than complaining about what you don't have.

"Hey, partner, I was wondering if you would have any capacity to do any fun trips or adventures with me. I think it's great you had (recent trip or fun adventure here) with (metamour) and it seemed like it was really fun. I really want the time we have together to be like that sometimes. We do a lot of work together and sometimes it takes a lot out of both of us. And it's nice to have a little break. What could we do together that meant that we also had more fun trips together? Can we take turns organising them? Or maybe organising them together? Maybe if we can do it together, it will be a bit easier?"

One thing to consider is that your partner might feel like, in their other relationships, they are doing the heavy lifting. Do their other partners surprise them? Or are they mainly the one in their other relationships doing the labour that makes the fun happen? And then they have to remember to do that for you as well on top of all of the other things--- it's a lot on their plate. And that's not your fault either. If they feel like they do all of the work in their other relationships, that's something they have to work out with their other partners. But seeing it through that lens might help you understand why getting another request to organise more fun things might feel super overwhelming for them.

Offering to do it together might take the pressure off the situation. It's possible they are polysaturated and not realising it, but at least if you're able to extend an offer of doing something together first, that might make it a little bit more doable for them. In some cases, I do think that there are some people who end up in this type of pattern and refuse to budge. It's almost like they don't know how to live with someone without taking them for granted and it's honestly because of that and a few other things that I personally refuse to live with anyone anymore. Before I would throw in the towel completely though, I would suggest trying approaching it as something you do together first. Maybe it doesn't feel as great as a spontaneous thing, but it might help remind your partner to do those kinds of things with you more going forward.

I hope this helps and good luck!