Plan Changes in Polyamory

For context, my partner and I have been dating for almost a year, the first 4-5 months were long distance, and then they moved back to where we met for work and moved in with me. They have another partner that they started seeing a few months before me who lives in the same small town with us. I have a decent relationship with my meta, we are able to hang out one on one and have a good time together.

I can still get jealous seeing my partner and meta together but I feel I've gotten through the bulk of making my peace with it. My partner and meta are both experienced in nonmonogamy and don't seem to struggle with jealousy or anxiety the way I do. I only started practicing nonmonogamy to be with my current partner and have been learning how to make it work for me and fit it into my life. Your podcast and book The Anxious Persons Guide to Non Monogamy have been very helpful.

It's been difficult, but I find it's very rare that I find myself attracted to someone, and my partner and I have a strong relationship with each other and love each other very much. It's important to me to have this person in my life.The boundary I'm trying to set has to do with spontaneous plan changes. My partner lives with me and will spend one or two nights a week with their other partner. The issue is I struggle a lot when my plans change last minute and often times my partner will be invited to spend the night or on a date with their partner last minute, and they'll tell me that plan/ask if it's okay right before they leave to go to work for the last time before I would have seen them in the evening.

And of course I don't want to say no because that's not fair and I want them to enjoy their time, they enjoy spontaneity, so I say yes. But then I feel anxious and left behind and have to quickly figure out how to fill my evening so I don't feel alone. I've asked them if I can have at least a days notice so I can better prepare and they agreed to talk to their other partner about it, but we both kind of came to the conclusion that it might not always be possible, just because they are both last minute/spontaneous by nature.

I realized I should have approached the conversation with a boundary, but I can't seem to find the right one. So the boundary I'm trying to set is what can I do if my partner makes a last minute plan with their other partner? My understanding of your belief of what a boundary is is "if my partner does X, I will respond with Y" and whatever Y is, is something I have to do and acts as an incentive for my partner not to do X.

My partner suggested Y be the two of us plan a date night. But that feels like something I then have to rely on them to participate in and we've agreed to have an intentional date night every week anyway so it doesn't feel impactful? And it also feels like a win-win for them while I still feel hurt. So I'm struggling to find what my action is.

Your letter is such a good example of why permission is such an unhelpful rule. You're being asked for permission and of course you're going to say yes because you're not your partner's parent. Then permission secretly and covertly becomes "Are you going to freak out if I do this?" and then once you give it, you're now bound by your agreement to not freak out – cause you gave permission! It's such a shitty experience for everyone involved.

As an autistic person, I can absolutely appreciate being rocked by sudden changes and struggling with that. But the truth is that the conception you have of regularity is actually the problem -- especially if it is something that hasn't been explicitly agreed. You're assuming that your time with your partner is always going to be there and working off the assumption that you have to be told when that is not the case. What if you reframed the situation and reoriented yourself towards the opposite? What if instead of assuming your partner is always going to be there, you and your partner make plans to actually spend time together? I get that living together means you fall into a sort of routine, but this is the exact thing you want to avoid as people who live together.

Because even if you weren't polyamorous, there is nothing to say that your partner wouldn't want to suddenly spend a night with friends or go out with co-workers. Within mono-centric culture the idea is that romantic relationships where partners co-habitate means they will always spend every night together but that's actually just a cultural script we've all accepted and is not necessarily what everyone wants or what anyone has to do. It's just a cultural assumption that I think even monogamous people would benefit from actively negotiating with each other. If you can let go of the assumption that every night is yours and your partner's unless otherwise claimed, you might feel less rocked by a sudden change of plans.

Unfortunately, it seems like I have failed to adequately explain what a boundary is. Boundaries are not an incentive for your partner not to do X. That's a punishment. Not a boundary. A boundary is also not what you apply after you've been hurt to equalise a situation. That's revenge.

A boundary should facilitate your connection. It should not be something that strongarms your partner into doing something they clearly don't want to do. Point blank, your partner is an adult and their time is their time. They are in charge of how they spend it. Your partner's suggestion absolutely is spot on. Instead of trying to control the time your partner spends with others, you should focus on scheduled intentional time together. I'm confused as to why you're hesitant to rely on your partner to participate in something when that could demonstrate to you that you are valued. If you don't automatically assume that time not scheduled with others is automatically yours to have with them, then you can also have spontaneous adventures too.

I absolutely understand you feeling hurt by what's happened so far, but I am a little bit concerned that you're approaching this with such an adversarial way, especially combined with what sounds like a punishment that you want to enact. By suggesting that a mutually agreed upon dedicated date night is a "win-win" for your partner, it suggests that you're not on the same team and that you're keeping score. Are you hoping for a win-lose situation? What does it mean for your partner to lose in this context? Is what you genuinely and truthfully want is for your metamour to experience the same sudden shift of emotions and pain you have felt? To feel alone? Would that make it even? I don't honestly feel like this is genuinely what you want, but I want you to look deeper at the way you're framing this situation. No one is supposed to win or lose here. You're both supposed to work together. Revenge shouldn't be on the table.

Genuinely, I think you would benefit from reframing your assumption that you have all of your partner's time automatically just because you live together. Maybe that works for some people who live together, but it clearly doesn't work for your partner. Schedule dedicated, intentional time together that isn't subject to spontaneous changes. Your partner could even go the extra mile by making sure that metamours understand that, for example, Tuesday nights are your nights. Then they would know your partner already has plans on this date and would know not to ask. Of course, this wouldn't mean that only your scheduled time is your time, but would mean that any extra time is a bonus rather than a given.

It's worth remembering that your metamours do not operate on the assumption that every night is a night that is theirs because they can't. Unless you and your partner have agreed that this time is automatically yours, it's not entirely fair for that to just be a given. Work out with your partner what nights are your nights, whether they be official date nights or not and agree that, barring some type of emergency, they can't be cancelled upon spontaneously. They can like being random and spontaneous, but if they do that it is a compromise for them to be willing to set these sorts of things in stone. Also, work on cultivating either friendships with people you can call up and hang with or activities that you can enjoy on your own that give you enjoyment.

Your partner can recognise that thus far, the sudden plan shifts have been painful for you and apologise for that pain, but also keep in mind that sometimes we just feel a little lonely when our partners are away and that is sometimes an inevitable part of polyamory. Polyamory does mean that you will get less time with your partner than you would typically get. Sometimes it's a bummer and that's not necessarily anyone's fault or something anyone has to pay for. I know it can feel like you're "losing" when you spend the night on your own and your partner is with someone else, but it's genuinely not a tit for tat thing. These are moments when I think an anchor is helpful because it reminds you of the personal reasons why you are or have chosen polyamory. Even if you did have another partner, they might be busy and you still may end up spending time on your own. Sometimes that just happens.

In general though, I do believe if you can reframe your assumptions here and agree upon some time that cannot be suddenly cancelled, you will feel a lot more grounded. I would also consider working with a therapist about the framing you've done here in terms of your relationships being a "win-win" type of situation or wanting to use a boundary as essentially a punishment. I think that probably just stems from the hurt part of you that wants to not be hurt again -- and that makes sense and is a good thing. That part of you that desires to protect yourself is a good part of you. It's just important to make sure you're not being so defensive that you forget that you and your partner aren't actually adversaries and there is nothing to win or lose here.

I hope this helps and good luck.