That’s what’s on this week’s episode of Non-Monogamy Help.

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Podcast Transcript

I’ve been in a relationship with a solo poly man (the hinge) for 9 months now. For the first 6 months or so it was just the two of us but he met a new partner a few months ago. Of course I realize that losing some time with him is natural with the addition of another partner but we have gone from him wanting to spend full weekends with me to get as much time together as possible (we live an hour and half apart) to just wanting to see me overnight one night on a weekend to then asking me to show up later and leave earlier that one night and now quite often he just wants to spend a day together or go out for a dinner together and then I go home.

In the mean time he is seeing this new partner 3-5 times a week. Just this past week he only wanted to have dinner with me so I saw him for three hours…meanwhile he had a date night with her several times and a couple of those were sleepovers. This weekend he went to her house Saturday and now it’s Monday and he is still there. Normally we talk constantly all day when we are apart but while he’s with her it’s dead silence except possibly a good morning in the morning and a goodnight in the middle of the night.

Also I find that when I do finally get my one date with him he is in his phone messaging her quite frequently and I know they are talking constantly on the regular as well. I have talked to him about being so sucked into this NRE but he doesn’t feel like he is taking anything away from our relationship and I am struggling with how much to even ask from him because the biggest thing for him is complete autonomy and so I feel like I shouldn’t be concerned about how he is spending his time.

The only problem is I don’t know how to reconcile him wanting to spend so much time with her and less and less with me. I feel pushed aside and unwanted and like I’m about to be replaced because they have a better connection.

Response

This is the kind of person that made me think that relationship anarchy was just for people who basically just didn't want to be emotionally committed to anyone. And it's giving relationship anarchy a bad name. Like, yes, there's autonomy in there. That doesn't mean you're free from responsibility.

If I could like, turn back time in this situation, I feel like I would have definitely advised you guys not to do what a lot of people do even in relationship anarchy. And that's they spend, you know, they get sucked into the NRE. They spend all of this time together with each other, almost as if they're in a monogamy relationship. And then when somebody in that partnership gets another relationship, then not only do they have to deal with the emotions of like, missing, you know, dealing with their partner being with somebody else, which is pretty normal, but they also have to deal with the mourning of the lost time together. And the fact that all of a sudden they have all this time that they spent with this person is now basically just time they have alone, which is a lot for people to deal with.

So like, I would have really discouraged you from doing that. And if somebody is going to be solo polyam and going to be a relationship anarchist, I feel like they shouldn't be doing that. Or at least they should have given you a better idea of, like, "Look, I really love us being in this NRE kick, and us spending a lot of time together. But just so you know, when I do find another partner, this is the amount of time realistically that I'm going to be able to give you going forward." Especially since you're kind of in a long-distance situation, I feel like that would have been like the honest kind. It is a little bit selfish, in a way, which I am Jane's complete lack of surprise.

But this isn't relationship anarchy. That's giving anarchy by the definition of how people think that they know what anarchy is, like. This is somebody who doesn't know how it—gets sucked into NRE, and just blasts through people one by one.

This is giving escalator energy

And you know, like, I just, I'm very unhappy with the way that you've described how this has gone, because I totally get—and I don't think it's necessarily harmful to be like, stuck in the NRE, and it's kind of fun, and you want to spend all the time together, and if you have all the time to spend together, spend it together, fuck it. Do it.

But you need to like, be very wary and realistic about the amount of time that you can actually commit. And it's not cool, as well, for like—and that's certainly not fucking relationship anarchy, right? I'm so mad. I'm sorry. It's not cool for like, while you're actually on, do get the time that you have with him, he's on his fucking phone, talking, and I don't care. It doesn't really matter about this other person, right? It's very easy to be sucked into this idea that you're being jealous and that it's about this new partner.

But like, realistically, if he was doing this with a friend, like, let's say he didn't even meet a partner. Let's say he like, met some dude at work and they really loved fantasy football, and now he's spending all of this time like, hanging out with this dude, playing fantasy football, or whatever. I don't know anything about that. I don't know, he or a LARP thing, it'd be—it'd be less likely to be that, but whatever, like, and he was spending three to five times this week like, with a LARP or something. It wouldn't matter if it was another romantic partner. It's the fact that you had all this time and you're missing that time, and that's fine.

He should have been honest

I think he should have been more honest about like, "Hey, I don't have any other partnerships right now, so I really want to spend a lot of time with you, but like, here's how much time that I can actually give you once I have another partner." I think that would be more understandable. But if he was texting his buddy whilst he was on a date with you, that would still be shitty. And that's no excuse.

This is not like. Oh my god, autonomy doesn't mean you just get to do whatever the fuck you want to do and fuck the consequences. Excuse my French. That is not what that means. Like, it means that yes, you don't follow like, strict ideas about like, that romantic relationships should be prioritised over other relationships. You don't necessarily—if anything, he's more sticking to the relationship fucking escalator than you are, because he's got a new partner, and he's spending every single—I guarantee you he's probably like, ignoring his friends, ignoring his family, too. That's not relationship anarchy.

That's doing exactly what this society tells you that you should do when you have a new romantic connection. I'm so mad on your behalf, and I'm so sorry, but let me breathe. Let me breathe.

Your feelings are valid

This is like, it's perfectly fine for you to be pissed off about that. That is not you trying to control him. That is not you. Yeah, he has complete autonomy. He can make his choices, and he is making the choices, and the choices are making you unhappy. Oy, like, be mad about this. That's absolutely fine. You should be concerned about how he is spending the time he has with you.

Fuck sake, man, I'm mad on your behalf, and I'm so sorry. Anyway.

I think at this point, if you still want to salvage this—you've only been dating for nine months, and he's already shown his ass. It's up to you. I think you can go to him and say, "Okay, you had this new partner. That's fine, but I would like scheduled, intentional time with you." Like, if he's going to be solo polyam, especially, he needs to be able to manage his own schedule like a grown-ass man. And learn how to like, not get sucked into relationships and not get sucked into spending all of his time and ignoring his other partnerships. That is part of it.

Like, so you could be like, "Look, can we have scheduled, dedicated time with each other? I would really like that. I am going to focus on you when we have our time- Equally, I would like that of you." And I would frame this so that it's a little bit less about—I know that it is, and I know that it's quite obvious. It's very easy for you to compare these two situations. I don't know how you know so much about like, how much time he's spending with this other person, if it's because like, whilst he's with this other person, he basically pretends you don't exist except for two texts a day, you know.

But if he's telling you all of this, like definitely, it's going to be very hard for you like, not to compare, but I would try to approach this less as "You're doing all this shit with this other person and completely ignoring me," and just kind of take that person out of it, because really, it's not about that other person. I know it seems like it is, because it's NRE, but if it was anything else, like if it was, you know, unless there's like, a major family emergency and like somebody died, and that was why he needs to use up all of his time on that.

That would be understandable. But if this was a friendship, if this was like a new work thing, like if he was completely engrossed in work and then basically had no other time to spend with you, you would still be upset. You might handle it a little bit differently, and it might emotionally impact you differently. But the problem is the problem, regardless of whether it's about another partner or not. So focus on the problem.

Figure out your ideal

Figure out your ideal. Like, what is your polyam ideal? Get together. Figure out how much time, scheduled intentional time he is willing to dedicate to you. And if he fucking balks, if he's like, "I'm a relationship anarchist, and this means that I don't have to schedule anything," fuck that, man, honestly. Like, people, especially grown-ass adults—I mean, I don't know how old he is or how old you are, but like, presumably you're over the age of 18. Like, people should be able to schedule time and put a time in and, you know, give you that scheduled, dedicated time.

And figure out that ideal and know this going forward in new relationships. Like, be very wary of falling into that whole, "Let's spend every single day with each other, because we have these strong feelings." It's fun, and that's fine, but then it creates this expectation later on, which people can sometimes not reasonably meet, even if they're not being assholes about it. Like, realise that that's probably something you might want to avoid in the future.

But ask for what you want from this person. Like, you want scheduled, intentional time. Yeah, you won't get the same—you're like, totally self-aware, it seems like, and that you're not going to get the same amount of time. Like, you can accept that. That's fine. But you want scheduled, intentional time. And that is okay to ask, even if he's a relationship anarchist, which I personally don't think that he is, whatever. That's my opinion. It's not here or there. Scheduled, intentional, dedicated time. Ask for it.

What his response will tell you

If he's not willing to give that to you, then that is showing you what kind of result you're going to get out of this relationship. Like, you need to be able to come to your partner and say, like, "I don't feel like I'm being valued in this relationship." And their response—like, they may be defensive at first, but if their response isn't, at some point, especially after they've like, calmed down a bit, isn't "I want you to feel valued in this relationship," that is a problem, in my opinion.

So yeah, I hope that helps, and good luck.