Resentment in Polyamory

I’ve been with my partner, E, for over a year now (it will be two years in March, if we make it). They also have another partner, A, whom they’ve been with for about four years. E has one close friend they sometimes have sex with, and they also like to go on dates and have sex with new people. They say that to be their happiest, most authentic self, they want to have many sexual partners.

The dynamic is supposed to be relationship anarchy style and non-hierarchical. At this point in their life, E "does not want to spend all their free time with any of their partners." They want free time for themselves, other dates, and friends as well. This is reasonable enough...

However, I can’t get over how their other partner, A, got to spend way more time with E before E shifted to this "more balanced" approach. Over the course of their relationship, A and E spent a lot of time together—more than I ever spend with E—and they also had long periods where they were only dating each other. Consequently, I can’t shake the feeling that I "never got a real chance" to have that with E. It also makes me feel less desired, as if it is easy to keep me at a distance or limit my time because I’m "not enough" in some way. I cannot seem to shake this competitive feeling with their other partner, which makes me worry that I can’t do non-monogamy after all.

For me, this has been my first long-term relationship in my adult life after not dating for many years, as well as my first experience with non-monogamy. I also struggle to manage anxiety and depression, so this has been a really hard time for me. I was hoping to grow through these challenges and figure things out, but we are once again at a breaking point.

I have been working intellectually on accepting and being supportive of who they are, but I’ve harbored so much resentment and sadness. I feel so rejected; I feel like I’m constantly mourning the relationship I wish we had instead of appreciating what is actually there.

Mainly, I feel like this would all be easier if I just found my own other partner(s)! I’ve been dating and trying to do that for the last year, but I've been failing, and it is incredibly depressing. The longest stint I had dating another person lasted only three months, and it was weird. E worries that even if I find another partner, it won’t solve our problems—and they are probably right. I also worry that my current relationship is sabotaging my ability to start a new one.

I wouldn't necessarily say that your current relationship is sabotaging your ability to start another one, but I would say that what you're resentful and angry about demonstrates self-abandonment that ultimately needs to be addressed.

On a basic level, you wanted more time with E or there is something that was lacking in your relationship with E that you either didn't ask for or you did ask for but didn't receive. Instead of walking away from the situation or asking for what you needed, you stayed within this relationship and the resentment continued to build. It's not just resentment for what happened between E and their partner, but mainly towards yourself. Starting a new relationship or even E deciding to give you more time, despite their values, will not solve this resentment towards yourself.

This isn't really about intellectually accepting who E is. It's about the fact that you're ignoring what you want to stay within relationships. I don't know whether or not non-monogamy is for you, but I do know that it's possible that you want more time than E was ever able to give you. It might be worth thinking about your ideal relationship scenario. Do you actually want a life where your partner spends the lion's share of their time with you? If so, then definitely someone who practices relationship anarchy and desires a lot of independence is not an ideal partner for you.

You don't have to appreciate a relationship just because you have it. You're not entitled to accept someone's interest in you just because it's there. You're not required to "accept" someone's differences to the point that you ignore what you actually want in your life and in your relationships. Your sadness and frustration makes sense. Your partner isn't necessarily rejecting you but you are rejecting yourself here. You can't grow through an incompatibility and it seems like you may want something which E cannot and has never been able to give you from the beginning, and definitely can't now since they are moving towards a less hierarchical approach.

This isn't necessarily about you being enough or you competing with E's other partners in the same way that you meeting someone new in a coffee shop and becoming good friends over a period of time isn't about your current friends not being good enough. Situations are much more complicated than that and we are only encouraged to see romantic relationships or sexual relationships as things to compete for in that way, but that's not really the reality of how and why our feelings work the way they do. It makes sense that you would focus on this as an explanation because it gives you a sense of control.

If you can control whether or not your partner focuses on you, then you are more empowered in the situation -- or so you think. But really, although it gives you a temporary sense of power, it's ultimately disempowering. If you focus all of your energy on trying to control what your partner is doing, then you're not focusing on where you really have power, which is whether or not you stay in situations that do not serve you.

Sit and think on this for a little while. Imagine E is not in the picture at all. What is your ideal situation in life? How many partners do you want? How much time do you want to spend with them? Have E do the same exercise and meet together in the middle and see if your ideals match up. That will help you come to a better understanding of whether or not you two are compatible. Avoid agreeing to things you don't want just to keep E in your life and maybe raise this with your therapist so that you can work on separating your own wants and needs from the needs and wants of your partner.

I hope this helps and good luck!