Marriage and Polyamory

My fiancé (26M) and I (26F) have been together for 5 years and engaged for 3. Our wedding has been set for next year, venue paid for and save the dates sent. A year and a half ago we decided to open up our relationship because I really wanted to explore my queerness and he had always been interested in nonmonogamy so he encouraged me to get out there and start dating in queer spaces.

Originally I assumed my other relationships would remain casual because I had so much on my plate already and was happy in my relationship with my fiancé that I just couldn’t imagine taking on another serious relationship. For most of that year I was reading and learning more about nonmonogamy and going on some dates here and there. However, four months ago I had a crazy strong connection to one of my dates.

We met while they (26NB) were in town and then we started dating long distance. The chemistry and things we had in common were insane. We quickly fell in love and have been visiting each other about once/twice a month. My fiancé and new partner met and they get along great, and it really was blowing my mind how well everything was going.

Now, the problem is that this new relationship is making me question the whole premise of getting married. I’ve been trying to make this decision I made while in a monogamous world view match up with my new perspective and desires, and frankly it is not meshing well. I feel bad because my fiancé is wonderful and has been so supportive of me in this new relationship, but does not want it to affect our upcoming marriage. Furthermore, my new partner has expressed that they are a bit jealous thinking of me getting married when they would love to also get married and live together. (My partner identifies as polyamorous as well and knew about me being engaged from the start btw)

I am trying to consider how NRE is probably heightening my feelings towards my new partner and probably skewing my perspective, but we also keep proving to be more and more compatible. I just spent a week living with my new partner while my fiancé was out of town and it was so magical. Now I am also dreaming of living with them in the future, even though I made these promises to my fiancé… it is really tearing me apart. I would love to find a way to appease and manage both sides here but I don’t see how.

 I feel like I’d be an asshole to call off the wedding at this point when so many people are invested emotionally and financially in the event. But I also feel like I won’t be truly happy without my new partner either. They might be moving into the same city as me soon so we would see each other more often, and idk if I can set up a way to live with both partners… I am considering keeping the wedding ceremony but maybe not getting legally married so that I can be more equal with both.

 Not sure what to do and it is creating a huge weight on my shoulders that is getting worse and worse the closer the wedding date comes and my new relationship continues to deepen. Do you have any advice?

The thing that sticks out for me the most in this is that your new partner, despite knowing that you were engaged to be married, kind of dropped a bomb on you that they are also wanting to get married and live, presumably with you. It's not wrong for them to want that, but that was a really unfair situation to put you in. To me, it would have felt like a light ultimatum, and I would not have appreciated that. Especially after just four months of dating. It's just too quick for me personally. I understand NRE, but that would be a lot for me.

It's okay that you're questioning what a marriage means especially in light of non-monogamy. Maybe you are discovering that your ideal style of polyamory is less hierarchical than you once envisioned. I'm curious as to what conversations you had with your fiancé about your exploration of non-monogamy and if you discussed what would happen if deeper feelings than you anticipated resulted. Did you discuss whether or not there was a time limit on all of this? Was there an open, mutual agreement between the two of you that these would be more casual relationships? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't have many of these discussions because a lot of people don't anticipate things like this, but they do happen anyway.

But we can't put the cat back in the bag so to speak at this point. What we can do is have a discussion with your partner about what this marriage means. While I don't know what's going on in your fiancé's head, I can guarantee that he doesn't want someone to marry him due to a sunk cost fallacy. No one who loves you and supports you would want that for either of you, regardless of the financial contributions made to the wedding. You both need to have a bigger discussion about your ideals and what marriage means to either of you.

Put a stopper on your new partner moving to be closer to you (especially if they are motivated by your relationship) before you figure out whether or not living with and marrying them is even something that you can offer. Even if you took legal marriage off the table, there is a discussion here about what you and your fiancé actually want with your lives. It may very well be that you want less of a hierarchical open relationship, as you both agreed to from the start. You didn't necessarily ask for this situation to happen and being monogamous may have not necessarily protected either of you from developing feelings for someone else.

For better or for worse, this did happen. You feel differently about marriage now. Think on whether or not this would be something you still wanted if no partners were in the picture at all. I think it is a bit premature to reconsider five years of a relationship for someone you've been with for four months. The honeymoon phase and NRE is always wonderful but there are ups and downs to everyone. It's possible to get married, as you've said, without the legalities. It's also possible to live together without combining all of your finances and it doesn't sound like you have progressed into this to the point where you have made more entangled agreements with each other.

If you are super compatible with your new partner, then you will be even as time goes by. There is no need to rush into anything at the moment or make big life decisions. Even if the marriage vows say "till death do us part", you can actually decide what your own vows and your own ceremony says. Trying to decide on what you want for the rest of your life right now may not be the best thing to do.

To sum up, it's worth really talking with your fiancé about what marriage means for both of you. I'm of the opinion that marriage can mean whatever you want it to mean. It doesn't necessarily have to lead to hierarchy. And if you don't want to merge financial assets, have children, buy property together and you haven't done that yet, I think marriage can also be something someone does while still maintaining a lack of hierarchy (especially if there is a freedom to have multiple ceremonies with multiple partners). It's important you and your fiancé are on the same page before you go forward with whatever type of wedding you want to have, if any.

I would also recommend looking for a polyamory friend couple's counsellor that might be able to work with you both, just in case the news that your other relationship is deepening is a surprise to your fiancé and he feels a way about it. I don't think any of this was intentional on your behalf, but it might be something your fiancé needs to emotionally work through as well.

I hope this helps and good luck!